September 2011

Peaceful right?

Hey, kiddo. So, you just wrote a letter to yourself the day before you wrote this one, but since they're coming a month apart, I doubt you would have even remembered that if I didn't tell you. Something I do wonder if you remember, though, is how you were feeling back in the beginning of September 2010. Probably not...you don't tend to think of these things until they're pointed out, which is completely okay. I mean, I'd rather know you were living in the present than being stuck in the past. Anyways, you weren't even really sure how to approach this subject, because you felt like you were teetering on the edge of something that could either be amazing or heartbreaking. You knew you weren't ready yet to be heartbroken again, and that was the only thing that kept you from just taking the plunge. Well, no it wasn't. Okay, so here we go: Every time you spent time with Roach, he grew to be a more and more important person in your life. You grew to like him more and more. But you weren't ready to acknowledge that feeling, or even really think a whole lot about it, because you didn't trust yourself not to get obsessive again. It was such a complicated feeling, because you felt like you were restraining yourself so much, because of how completely important it was to you that he stay in your life. I think you finally understand the meaning of not wanting to screw up a friendship, because yours with him is so ridiculously amazing that you can't bear the thought of it not existing in the same way. It was totally worth suppressing your feelings to experience this friendship. I hope you still feel that way. Well, actually, I hope that he is still in your life in some way. Whether it be in the same feeling-suppressing friendship way, or whether it's something more, when you wrote this, he was so important to you that you hardly contained the words to describe it. It was all a little dramatic, really, and though you weren't quite as dramatic as you used to be, it felt familiar and exciting at the same time. I love you, hon. Sorry to babble your ear off about old things. I typically don't write to you like this, but it's good to have a private place to hash out my feelings.

Epilogue

about 17 hours later

Dear lovely wonderful self,

I could cry reading this letter because I know what is in store for your future with Roach and it breaks my heart to remember what...

Uhorgth eenb uyv'eo itwh imh. ,arf a fo aodr (and -elnogekw ewek thsi ot mhnto llsit swa )si him otok uyor uyo r,telet wthi yb lief tpri a and nteeri eth pa,ge fraet btse ouy ti twreo. Ikhtn tujs. . . ,oyu na hoca,r ekwe thwi dan geap eth mots velo yuo pploee eientr tsju the. Atuob dream lkta a. .
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Letilt a ouy ttha tfdir ardtest ot faert bti. Gtnituc mceebr,de fiel adme cwhhi tuo rtael ni a shi nda of sudpti ihm idiosenc you uoy del to. Tjus hatt eikl. I rbeermme hte sllti ho, fligeen. Kttaca rvee asw pacin lprybabo 'vwee to a ti cetsosl eth eebn. It wsa ucnisrgh. Iont awke oyu liek otegimshn nad no btrsu eehbr,at lal tujs eugh saw tsche adn uyor adn yuo nwte ryou kesen lo'cdtun boss. Ot i ni bnee yuo otn am the uyo the uodlw urngdo nda had iteiposv ohesr,w veha nlefal. It it was useecab osdsun os ramtdaci. .
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Uyo even hwo he oyu have ehav ,onw taht ot ttiwohu it tnmtaropi no lazrgieni ludco cemoeb oyu idae. Saw oiwtthu rethe threa sucnk lkei ni bkac and eh it up het fo door mssenropii esinceder okto ryou ouyr. Tureaqst gdnaaem eh ihm oruy dtnid' tinlu ouy eh vemod dna ti tkea ckunhs fo ot hueg with oknw a on asw atreh adn.
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Ihm asw oury aibtrhdy eimt eht aws ouy atls. Of bkca koot ish lal ishntg mhi uyo. Cedsol pdonee dan het okto or,do sih rood the eh bo,x. Thta it was. .
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Flolow eth nmthso to dhra eerw so. Uryfsleo nvee ta disnsceio ihsgttnera nbee ofr yangr lotemelycp atth uhcm dah dna tsedah,ret kinmga it, nda ather rof ihwt nigacr uoy rngay wree igenb orf to dna uyor him at dab. .
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Ylmtloeaoni secxue scplhlyyai ot ieganvl him sa na sedu vaeel ouy. Aawy arn ouy. Arznioa ot sgel, tbenewe ,anr rouy ital. Erdi nowrg adn donesc ltfe atht fo yeerv ntair. Adn me,it ibneg you eryo'u he dnrseif stssier' tow bcak a of ytdbhiar ot fi have nda tdtexe ,here you own aihngv ksa no u'reoy go loduhs on nisacftat you yuor eht isad erev ot dulco dan. .
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Rty a asw uoy torwh ti aisd. Ouy rtdei. Fidgtrin ngaai yue'ro nwo. Htta uyo od a wlil nkow 0020, ot hdfir,pseni sleim. Ebrofe uoy ot uoy lbyera ihtw dan go ayw itsgnh ewre fcat teh yhet abkc cattcon he,tor otcnan cahe ot htat veah ilve teh onw. Liuanpf 'uydo a the dan haev eromfr that hretar a ithw rdwan llehs anht lgon ul'oyl mbeya ws,yaany ned in tinghno btu fnph,ieidrs awy up of tuo nad. .
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Gitnsh het arch ,wya yuo do did rhad ylsawa.
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Of nyobde nhsigt i orrys way ma out hte unedrt htis tbeeewn yuo thta owt. Hrifinsedp ruyo lous os ydhlra ryou wthi was teiubflau tshmongie ludco it mhi raspg. It asw ddysreeto and. .
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Yorsr m'i. I yuo voel. Uyo reda am hwo imh you i he dagl to aaprpdteiec muhc adn evtniehgyr nemta ot. Leeppo are nad feli dna nmpmeairten n,uynf who so tuisiaotsn ts'i. .
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Acbk i oyu go oudlc ishw to i. Whti eht ltle uyo so ot hvae i ,ncout i cebeaus emak etmdiil ncsdeo ear mih doluc nsoe oyu siwh rvyee. .
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Sroyr i'm.

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