September 2011

Peaceful right?

Hey, kiddo. So, you just wrote a letter to yourself the day before you wrote this one, but since they're coming a month apart, I doubt you would have even remembered that if I didn't tell you. Something I do wonder if you remember, though, is how you were feeling back in the beginning of September 2010. Probably not...you don't tend to think of these things until they're pointed out, which is completely okay. I mean, I'd rather know you were living in the present than being stuck in the past. Anyways, you weren't even really sure how to approach this subject, because you felt like you were teetering on the edge of something that could either be amazing or heartbreaking. You knew you weren't ready yet to be heartbroken again, and that was the only thing that kept you from just taking the plunge. Well, no it wasn't. Okay, so here we go: Every time you spent time with Roach, he grew to be a more and more important person in your life. You grew to like him more and more. But you weren't ready to acknowledge that feeling, or even really think a whole lot about it, because you didn't trust yourself not to get obsessive again. It was such a complicated feeling, because you felt like you were restraining yourself so much, because of how completely important it was to you that he stay in your life. I think you finally understand the meaning of not wanting to screw up a friendship, because yours with him is so ridiculously amazing that you can't bear the thought of it not existing in the same way. It was totally worth suppressing your feelings to experience this friendship. I hope you still feel that way. Well, actually, I hope that he is still in your life in some way. Whether it be in the same feeling-suppressing friendship way, or whether it's something more, when you wrote this, he was so important to you that you hardly contained the words to describe it. It was all a little dramatic, really, and though you weren't quite as dramatic as you used to be, it felt familiar and exciting at the same time. I love you, hon. Sorry to babble your ear off about old things. I typically don't write to you like this, but it's good to have a private place to hash out my feelings.

Epilogue

about 17 hours later

Dear lovely wonderful self,

I could cry reading this letter because I know what is in store for your future with Roach and it breaks my heart to remember what...

'ovuye ihm tiwh neeb ghhruot. Sillt a(nd a atrfe ti roewt imh of ritp eht yuo swa you gpa,e fra, a -ngkowlee yb estb lte,ert ktoo ot rdoa and is) eeirnt siht ntmoh tiwh your leif eewk. Juts ihktn. . . Na ewek yu,o h,aocr tujs uyo rnetei tiwh nda het the epag eolv eppleo tsmo. Daerm baotu tkla a. .
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Rtfid iletlt tath ot itb dsertat a you tarfe. Ot yuo eld hiwch a mih and ni ifel ,bedrecem of uto ttngcui edsiconi uyo tdisup eadm aletr sih. Ekli atht utsj. Eht i emmerreb ,ho slitl elngfie. Reev ot was lbpoabry a het ti loetcss eneb ewev' capin actkat. Ugscirhn ti saw. 'tdlcnou eneks sbos ontmigesh eghu twen all tnio burst aws tjsu dna yuro ilke he,batre akwe escht uyro oyu dan ouy on adn. Ot ni you tno lowud oshwre, oyu adh rgundo nllaef ma hte vpostiie dan enbe i veha het. Nsouds ti was mdtiaacr ti ucabese so. .
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Oyu yuo have on even oyu cudlo iade eocemb ,own ttah ohw eh rnigzeila to ti pomaintrt totihwu ahev. Erhte fo in eth uwhotit oruy eh ikle ryuo tkoo was dan odro ti up cakb ather iesipnomsr nkcus edcrniees. Hksnuc kown nmegaad he adn uheg kate mhi td'nid wtih mdove fo he wsa utnil adn tsqretau a ti uoy on uory trahe to.
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Bratdhyi aws slat mhi eth eitm aws uyor yuo. Ktoo itnhsg his fo oyu mih all akbc. Bx,o orod losecd deneop eht ish toko eth nda odr,o eh. Swa ti atth. .
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Hnmtso rwee os darh the woollf to. Dan i,t uoy ginbe muhc at dba vene dthteresa, rof ewer nmkagi mhi orf ofuseryl ebne dan at had uroy lycmotleep angry hitw ngyar isnaethtgr ot orf thta rhate and iagrnc eoiindssc. .
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Yiapllchys ueesxc uyo nolyemotial lavee sedu ihm ot giaevnl na sa. Rna uyo aawy. Tail nar, rianzoa uryo ,glse ot teeebnw. Osnedc fo redi ognrw evrey tath tfle arnti dna. A aks hte fi you erfnids ruyo og ttxdee eh ehav uyo dan lucod on 'ourey ot no fo to vnhiga nad ackb isad et'sssir ,mtie attcasfin dhulso dan ever uyo iydhtarb bengi he,re tow roeu'y won. .
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Uoy ryt a swa adsi it worht. You tidre. Rigdintf gnaai e'royu wno. To taht nowk ii,nerdfpsh mesli do 0,002 yuo a illw. Now ebroef the they acft to etrho, evha og ithw ckab lrabey tath adn ntccato to eewr het oyu evil cannot uyo nhsgti cahe way. Pafiuln out tbu evha 'loyul a tgihnno iwht hrrate ifdr,pshnei 'oduy ywa of end rrofme anth eth ndraw pu nda esllh in atht a beaym dan ysywa,an nogl. .
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Lyawas hdra hrca insght yuo od wy,a did eth.
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Wot drntue yrrso htis ma nhisgt ndoybe eneetwb yuo i fo atht uot awy teh. Irhpifnsde solu ouyr mih yldhra thwi letfibauu uryo swa clduo so sgpra ti msohietgn. Adn it saw yteoredsd. .
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Orsyr m'i. I uyo leov. Am pretaipcdea dlag hcmu i nad to oyu eard woh hmi to nmtea uyo nrhevyegti eh. Adn epmiatmrenn si't ohw nuy,nf ilef rae dna so tosnatisui oplepe. .
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Bakc og you i dluoc i wish ot. Doulc enos to i casueeb het mhi so utocn, enocds twhi llet you i reyev siwh akem vaeh oyu rea dmiietl. .
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Mi' ysorr.

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