September 2011

Peaceful right?

Hey, kiddo. So, you just wrote a letter to yourself the day before you wrote this one, but since they're coming a month apart, I doubt you would have even remembered that if I didn't tell you. Something I do wonder if you remember, though, is how you were feeling back in the beginning of September 2010. Probably not...you don't tend to think of these things until they're pointed out, which is completely okay. I mean, I'd rather know you were living in the present than being stuck in the past. Anyways, you weren't even really sure how to approach this subject, because you felt like you were teetering on the edge of something that could either be amazing or heartbreaking. You knew you weren't ready yet to be heartbroken again, and that was the only thing that kept you from just taking the plunge. Well, no it wasn't. Okay, so here we go: Every time you spent time with Roach, he grew to be a more and more important person in your life. You grew to like him more and more. But you weren't ready to acknowledge that feeling, or even really think a whole lot about it, because you didn't trust yourself not to get obsessive again. It was such a complicated feeling, because you felt like you were restraining yourself so much, because of how completely important it was to you that he stay in your life. I think you finally understand the meaning of not wanting to screw up a friendship, because yours with him is so ridiculously amazing that you can't bear the thought of it not existing in the same way. It was totally worth suppressing your feelings to experience this friendship. I hope you still feel that way. Well, actually, I hope that he is still in your life in some way. Whether it be in the same feeling-suppressing friendship way, or whether it's something more, when you wrote this, he was so important to you that you hardly contained the words to describe it. It was all a little dramatic, really, and though you weren't quite as dramatic as you used to be, it felt familiar and exciting at the same time. I love you, hon. Sorry to babble your ear off about old things. I typically don't write to you like this, but it's good to have a private place to hash out my feelings.

Epilogue

about 17 hours later

Dear lovely wonderful self,

I could cry reading this letter because I know what is in store for your future with Roach and it breaks my heart to remember what...

Mhi bene ourhtgh wtih oyeuv'. Peg,a )is tnerei a nmoht ktoo lief you yb ltlsi of ttlee,r eglk-weno fa,r dna week aws tish ot droa ti hwti nad( royu you setb a mih fetra hte rtpi rwoet. Itnkh tusj. . . Rniete you mots rac,oh eekw dan itwh ustj an vloe eppole teh you, epga het. Amdre a tkal ubota. .
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Ltilet to bti atht trdif rtsdeat uoy a trfae. Lde shi dtisup adem debe,merc dan ilfe a you ni ihm ihhwc ralet fo to you otu iosceidn tuctign. Tjsu htta klie. The lfeigen mrmrebee sillt h,o i. Sscolet orbbaylp het a ti picna akttca was eerv v'eew ot enbe. Grcisnuh ti swa. Htcse yuo ekesn uyo rouy sosb lal gheomsint n'utodlc oyur adn adn ntoi saw twne eikl tujs ,bteehar kaew dna no strub uehg. Hvea odwul he,wsro eebn ni i gdruon and am oyu iostvpei to teh flalen tno oyu hte ahd. Asw besucea dusosn ti ti triadacm os. .
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Imopnattr to ti yuo edai vene wno, htta on evha uthowit woh oyu obcmee arnilzegi he uoy evah lcduo. Ilek uoyr hte nkucs kcba rateh nsorieipsm ttiouhw adn ni redscenie koot eh saw it fo ethre up ruoy door. Of no imh yuo nad adn agneadm it omedv traeh tdd'in to aws twhi aetk tulin eh oyur a gheu wkno teqratsu he scnkuh.
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Slat imte you aidhrtby eht swa swa hmi royu. Shting hmi ckba ookt ouy hsi of all. The rodo, edoslc and bo,x otko rodo sih he het ndeeop. Htta ti wsa. .
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Lloofw the os hmsnto ot drha eerw. It, mhuc bnige hatt htera ebne ysulfoer with cainrg nagyr fro lmlptceyoe ta mih weer hsintgaert ot yuo agimnk dan eevn ta sdinoecsi nad rof ryang ouyr ahd bda ethrstead, ofr nda. .
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Leaev an cesuex tnoaelmioyl aylyscpihl ouy vnegali hmi dseu sa ot. Nra ayaw you. ,ran to onairaz wtbneee gls,e lita your. Edcsno rgown intar fo evyre dna idre elft taht. Ghniva ntiastfac adn if no ouy eh,er nibeg iet,m veha nda adn on sida sirdnfe xteetd eth he sak lodcu ot usohld go a yuro akbc uyo of yuo hrtyadbi won ur'yoe wto stiesr's erev eryo'u ot. .
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Ti rhtwo a tyr asid uyo asw. Oyu rtied. Onw eroy'u giana gdtfriin. Emlis do kwon htat a 000,2 ouy ot h,piesdfirn iwll. Ot atht ouy cntano teh erew rbeoef atcf ackb eht go eyth heca ehtor, wno wya veha whti baeryl vile gishnt adn nctctoa ot yuo. Ayasnyw, llouy' ni ngnhito rfnphdei,si of tub dne duy'o nolg ayw a eht dnraw naht emyba hllse a pu uilapfn adn taehrr uot mroref nad atth veha hiwt. .
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Ywasal gnihst ouy rahc drah the ddi do aw,y.
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Eybdno you tuo ma eth ayw wtebene tsih fo rsory rutdne ishtng thta two i. It whit oyru ryou ghosimnte os slou asw uolcd atelufbiu dhlyra aspgr srpniidfhe hmi. Nda ti drtsoeyde saw. .
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Ysrro m'i. Oyu i velo. Ematn ma geiveythrn who he i uhmc you icetapdarep him agld to ot uoy nda raed. Pntmereimna adn so peeplo how efli era nf,nyu i'ts and stnoiustai. .
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I to og acbk iwsh oyu i lcoud. Erevy os ellt cuebeas i osen veah soncde het you ntocu, hsiw ilmetdi uoy to ocdlu whti rea ekam imh i. .
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'mi rrosy.