When four glasses of mixed drinks doesn't hit you enough to do something stupid, think about what's ahead, and you'll see it was all for the best.

Dear FutureMe, Dear Future Me, It didn’t happen. And it’s these sometimes that you think: you wanted it to but at the same time are relieved that it didn’t. It’s the better option, for you especially. Its times like these that I think about my life in the saddest of ways; when my drunken consciousness has only been grazed by a few glasses of vodka and gin mixes. Nabitin ka, pero alam mong kung nakarami ka di rin maganda. LB has nothing left for me. I think to myself for the nth time. I look at myself in the mirror while making that realization tonight. I’m 24, and there’s nothing left for me in this town. I’ve known that since I was 22. No one else is here too. They’ve all left. At 11:20 in the late evening, there is no one to invite for the last three cold bottles of beer of the night. I have no “person”. And the rock star life is over indeed. Too bad it was only just beginning. I’ve never felt more alone. And being alone only gets you thinking about everything. Yes, everything, even those thoughts that you only keep in that Pandora’s Box inside your head: the “what if’s”, and all that self-pity, hopeful chances. It’s the hopeful chances that you want to shut off first. And through the years you’ve learned that there are two ways to do that: stop. And if it still itches at you, sleep. And the most important thing to remember: do nothing. It makes me want to run away again. I’ve always had that want to run away to a far off place for a week, or a month, or two. In a split of the moment I’d just go. Somewhere far like Ilocos, or even someplace near like Makati. Just to get away for a while, do some soul searching. I never do actually. But I’d like to. Instead, I run away in my thoughts, due to lack of budget or opportunity. But the thing about going away to find yourself, as I’ve read, doesn’t work. You know that. Whoever you really are, or would like to be is something that can only be realized where you are, now, in real life. Not some far off place where your problems can’t catch you. Because they always do, and in the end you always come back home and they’re still there. But Batad. That was something. So was Pulag. And, of course, Kalisungan. I want to run away again. Like in that song, Boston. A place where no one knows my name. We want to run off to these places to start over, to forget, and hope that whatever we’re starting is gonna be better than what we have now. I understood this concept as early as the fifth grade. I like how Fior put it, “You know those stories people tell about some poor shmuck's life turning around in matter of minutes? When some unpredicted, unexpected twist of fate suddenly changes everything.” I’m going to miss Fior. Conversing with her reminds me that I should get out of here, every time. But I know you and me are still gonna be here next year. That’s if I don’t decide to skip the boat and jump into unknown waters of a job, an exchange, or something entirely different. I doubt I’m going to, though. I want to finish what I started. And yes I do. Lack. Jumps. In my life. Because when you jump, you want to be ready. The thing is: no one ever really is. It’s gonna be all over soon too; if you consider a whole calendar year and three months till the compre exam to be soon. Yes sometimes I think I can’t wait that long. But nonetheless, all of this will end, like all good things. I’m gonna miss the batch. And it’s sad to note that the fun has already started to flame out. And everything is predictable as it was two years ago. Last year was kick-ass by the way. In the years beginning 2007, among the wishes I had made during my birthday was that one where I’d not be working at UPLB anymore on my next birthday. The assumption was that I’d be doing something better. I got my wish this year. Or did I? Maybe that’s what’s kicking me all over town again: I actually didn’t. And I sometimes miss working for the Chancellor. Sometimes. When I left my job last June, I said I had a lot of time to do all the things I had to do. *buzzer* Wrong again. And so far, I’ve done nothing. Still have no passport. Still haven’t taken the IELTS. Still haven’t gone to the doctor or the dentist. Still haven’t done anything crafty in five years. Still haven’t watched a lot of movies and series. Still haven’t read books and magazines. Still haven’t gotten into the habit of posting or of photography. Still haven’t gotten my life together. Make that your list of things to do. I only hope there are things to tick off from your point of view. And it gets worse: there is still so much left to do, for both my part time jobs, and my academic requirements. And no, they will not end. Whatever you finish, they just keep on coming. That’s the thing about these things and time. The world won’t stop for you. Time does not stop so you can do the things you need to do, then the things you want. In the same light, your life doesn’t stop for your to figure out what you want either. The trick therefore lies in juggling. How many flare bottles can you keep in the air? None. (Another thing I wanted to learn “when I had the time”. Add that to the list.) Right now I’m balancing two part time jobs, and full time school. Great, now let’s add in two porcelain mugs (things that are fun and that you enjoy and that don’t have to do with drinking or smoking) and three more spirit bottles (things to do that are each a step towards something you want) with the liquid in them. Now that’s life living. Until you learn to do that, you’re gonna be stuck: lemons and all. Now all I have to do is apply what I just said. Thing about doing that is, that there’s tomorrow. But now that I think about it: God, please let there be many tomorrows for me. And there’s sem break, and more life breaks. Thing about them is that when you’re there, you go on a break from everything including those things you need to do. Which underscores the fact that they should be as much part of your life as school and work, right? Bingo. This afternoon, I came into HBO class with a wala-sa-huisiyo mood hanging above me. Arlyn noticed it right away and she said so. She was right; I didn’t want to go to class. I’d rather watch a movie. Although I eased up towards the mid to end, I was reminded of a comment/ letter dedication I got from my second year high school teacher, Gng. Andaluz, that went something like: whatever you’re feeling is shown on your face. I’ve always been pretty transparent about my feelings, and that’s why I suck at poker. In teaching MGT 131 I’ve said that managing your emotions is different from controlling them (as the latter gives a connotation of suppressing what you feel, the former is handling them in a way that they don’t manifest at bad times). I’ve improved pretty much over the years when it comes to temper, but there is apparently still a lot that needs smoothing. I feel pretty… In most of the FutureMe letters I’ve read, or even in my conversations with friends about what’s next in life, I find that people usually have this goal that they strive to achieve since they were little. I feel like I don’t. I don’t have any ulterior motives either. This year I’ve realized that, I’m the kind of person that lives in short term, like seasons, like phases. Fior has told me to try to do the things I’m doing now a bit longer than I usually do, maybe that might help in stretching it out for the long run as a goal. Can we try that? Can we meet more new people too? And do all those things I wrote in our planner this year? Your deadline is in 4 months. This writing thing seems good on me. Definitely shut the Pandora’s Box. I’m still alone though, but in the end all we have is ourselves. I’d like to think that people who are in tune with their own thinking enough to end up having thought provoking “conversations” with themselves are stronger on the inside. Future Me, kiss Mom and Dad for me, and tell them how much I love them: very much. And Jeb, I’m half wishing he’s no longer with his current girlfriend, but where will that lead? Mom was right, he needs to show his girl that he loves his family and teach her to do the same. (Remember that line of reasoning ok?) I doubt that stuck. But I hope he’s better off now. Give him a kiss for me too. Yeah, I ripped that off one of the letters too. And to rip off another just for fun, I want you to do the following when you read this: 1. Stop what you’re doing and take a break. 2. Get yourself a pint of cookies and cream and eat it. It’s always been your favorite flavor. And in busy September, you’re gonna need that to cool down your hot nerves. 3. Watch a movie in the cinema, alone or with someone it doesn’t matter, just watch the latest good movie. Watching a movie and immersing yourself into a different world for two hours tops has always worked to get me giddy. 4. Go to the parlor. Either you’ve been putting off trimming your bangs or something else entirely, treat your mane. And if budget allows throw in a mani pedi too. 5. Cook dinner tonight. Great. From bitin, then sentimental, to nostalgic, now to your regular jenavictoria. I learned today that Victoria is one of the most powerful names for a girl. Thanks to Izah. I hope that holds true for the both of us. Smile.