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A letter from December 14th, 2019

Look. This is not a letter. This is a reminder that you matter.

I know how you feel; worthless, unwanted, untalented, the runt of the group, the last in your class, a piece of shit. Trust me, I've been there before. You feel like you are a failure, a weakness, like your dead weight, like you have no purpose. Everything you do seems to amount to nothing, whilst other people just glide by with ease. You look around you and all you see is expectations and targets - other people look like gods to you, masters of their craft with no flaws and no imperfections. Even if you toil away for hours honing your skills and your attributes, it amounts to nothing - whist for others it seems that they do a little work, a fraction of what you do, and they seem to get the top grades and the achievements while your there crying your eyes out because you worked so hard for a grade to only fall at the final hurdle. And that's it your life is over, your life is ruined all because you managed to fall before the finish. You don't understand how, you just did. But, somehow you get a second chance, though it doesn't feel like it, it feels like pity. It feels like they are saying 'let him have another go'. You can hear the surprise in people's voices when they hear you fell. They didn't expect you to fall, and yet you did. Even though you put in the hours, it was all for null.

And after this you feel worse than ever. You feel like you are an imperfection, a failure, a waste of time. Your friends support you, but secretly you envy them, they have the smarts, the wit, the knowledge, the ease, everything while you feel like you are retarded, you struggle to see why you ever chose this subject, why you ever wanted to go through with this. You feel like you should have just got an apprenticeship somewhere and be secure. You ask yourself often 'why did I not just surrender myself'. 'It would be easier to finish yourself off than having to go through failure after failure after failure.'. You constantly worry if you are good enough, if you are a failure, if you actually mean anything at all. Your death would be meaningless you feel, everyone would still have each other.

If you feel this way, why haven't you killed yourself yet? Why haven't you done it? Because you matter. No matter what people feel, you matter. You may feel worthless, but trust me you aren't. Your family and friends love you. Just work hard and you will be fine.

P.S. make sure to publish a book.

Sent 8 months to the future from December 14th, 2019 to August 14th, 2020

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