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A letter from November 12th, 2019
You're 18 while writing this and you're confused. You know what you want, but you're afraid to get it. You're now a legal adult, but you can't help but feel that everyone you know who's slightly older than you still views you as a kid. You're struggling with not having friends and not being comfortable with voicing who you truly are and how you truly feel. You want to be outgoing, you want to be free-spirited and inviting, but you're afraid of being judged by others so you stay silent. You're afraid of being alone, but you isolate yourself from others anyway.
You're sitting on your feelings and shying away from them rather than voicing your thoughts and acting on them. You're crushing on a friend from the past, but you don't want her to feel like a fallback option, a second choice. You want to be with her, but you don't at the same time; she's not tangible or available at any time because of distance. You've met someone who you truly are interested in and you fawn over absolutely everything about them. You constantly think about them, but you barely communicate. You tell yourself absence makes the heart grow fonder, but you want to be there with them 24/7 even though that's not realistic for several reasons that concern you. Your heart rate increases a ridiculous amount any time you're in their presence or you even think about them. You find yourself smiling to yourself whenever you see something that reminds them of you, you see a picture of them or you hear their voice. You're not in love - not yet - but you truly think (and deep down you know) that you could fall for them. Hell, you're already falling for them and you barely know them. Everything about them is truly incredible and you'd do anything to spend more time with them and just co-exist. But you're afraid of being loved less than others given the circumstances and of not being the one to be chosen at the end of the day. You're afraid of being too immature for anyone older to actually date you. You're afraid that you're too clingy and pushy and that if they truly want to be with you, they'll put in the same effort. You want to tell them how you feel so so so so SO badly, but you are so so so afraid of rejection and of not being enough. You're afraid you're going to put too much of yourself in and not receive anything in return because they don't want the same things that you want. You're still healing from the emotional damaged that he caused. You're still coming to terms with your own preferences and desires.
You're struggling a bit in school. It's different being away from home. You can't decide whether you like it or you hate it. Some days are worse than others, but at the end of the day you can't choose. It's not as nearly as easy as high school. You've realized that you're much better prepared than you thought you were, but it's still not easy. You could be applying yourself more, but you have no drive or motivation to do so. You're doing the best that you can, but your grades still don't reflect that. You can't seem to shake the feeling that you could be a failure or that you could potentially turn out to hate your future career. You don't know what else you could do in life, so you continue to ride it out and try to improvise as you go.
You miss your friends a lot. You've been here for four months and while you've forged new relationships, none of them seem to be the same. You do have one really great friends, but sometimes it seems that you put more into the friendship than they do. That's alright, because you believe it's more important to give than receive anyway. You've gained nearly 35 pounds in the last year. Everyone calls it happy weight, but you only see it as ugly. You're working towards losing the weight, even if it has to be unhealthily. You take the weight loss pills, you fast, you go to sleep hungry. You hope that it will be worth it in the long run. You see a little progress but there's always the one thing that sets you back.
Some days you feel like a bad bitch and like you're unstoppable. Other days you hate being alive and you hate everything about yourself. You go through periods where you have to constantly reassure yourself and others where you are the most confident you have ever felt. You know it's normal, but you don't know how to come to terms with it.
A year from now, I hope that you have it figured out. Hopefully, you've found friends that you'll keep for a lifetime, or at least for the rest of your education. You should be 19 by now and maybe you feel more like an adult. Maybe you're starting to do more on your own and moving towards become more independent and self-sufficient. I doubt you'll ever get over being shy, but maybe you'll find it a little easier and you'll be able to open up to others more easily. As for your relationship, maybe it worked out with them. Or maybe it worked out with her. Maybe you learned to stop sitting on your feelings and you're not afraid to love anymore, no matter what the circumstances are. Maybe you have healed a little from the damage he did and maybe by this time, you've forgiven him for what he's done. Maybe now you are more comfortable with who you are and unapologetic about it. Hopefully, the homesickness has gotten better and you feel like you belong at the place you are now. You're probably still struggling in school, but you should stop being a dumbass and apply yourself because you know you can be successful. Maybe you've changed what route you're going with your career or you've come to enjoy what you're doing, but either way, you know you made the right decision. Maybe you're just as confused, and that is 100% as well, you know you're doing your best. Maybe you've lost that weight you wanted to lose and maybe you're happy with your physical appearance. Maybe it's gotten worse. You still should remind yourself everyday that you are beautiful no matter what and that you are working to make an improvement and that is what matters the most. Most of all, I hope that through all of the confusion, you have gained more a sense of self-worth and confidence out of anything. It doesn't matter if you don't have a direction, a purpose or even the motivation. Just remind yourself that you are worth it and that you can be resilient through anything. It is okay for you to just be you.
Sent almost 1 year to the future from November 12th, 2019 to November 12th, 2020