A letter from September 21st, 2019

Dear FutureMe, Hi, I can hardly imagine you being there, reading this, breathing somewhere so far from today. Today, September 2019 your chest is extremely heavy, life has been so dark lately that I don't even know if you'll be there to read this. In both cases I'm sorry for you, whatever loss you're trying to overcome, I'm so sorry; right now, right here, a bright future is not even thinkable, your life has ended two years ago and everything after that was pain. If you're still feeling hopeless after almost ten years, please don't treat yourself like this no more, this can't be called life. Now you're alone in your childhood house with your car, remember? When you thought that going back there was great for your mental health, you've tried everything and I'm so proud of you, yet you're crying, again, you're completely heartbroken, again. In a few days you're going to visit your first psychiatrist, you decided that your therapist wasn't enough for your sadness, you were really scared today. Sometimes I feel like it isn't fair, I've had too many options, too many thoughts, too much love to give, and this illness came and took what I loved the most about me, my brain. Now I don't even want to bother my boyfriend and my dad with my heavy presence, yet I'll get up tomorrow, I'll eat, I'll laugh, I'll argue, but that is the opposite of a good news, the fact that I learned to coexist with this unbearable pain, is the saddest part, I'm no longer alarmed by its presence, I'm it. Whatever may come I'm just hopeless about the future, the idea of healing seems far and unfair as well, because I'll never get these two years back, the most important ones, I ruined my family and my current boyfriend. I'll never forgive myself, and this will make my recovery impossible. I don't know what you think about me and you right now, but I'm so sorry about you existing because it means I wasn't brave enough and you've suffered other six years of immense sorrow. Please, give up, love you...really ...deeply deeply love you. Me