A letter from July 22nd, 2019

Dear FutureMe, I'm in the process of divorce, relationship with V and swiping in Tinder. And today I came to the conclusion that I really mess up and don't know what I want. I broke up with M and now I really miss him. I miss our conversations when I can tell anything to him, he knows all my life and all the people around me. It was so simple. He was always interested and supportive and involved. I love V, but he is on a different side of Earth and usually, he sleeps when I'm awake and vice verse. And it's complicated, to maintain the connection. Also, I'm not sure what he feels towards me... He almost never tells about his feelings first and it upsets me a lot. Every time when I offer something: a call, movie, any activity I feel like I push our relations just by myself:( And to keep it is valuable only for me... And this relationship has no future. But I don't want to break them. I want someone to hug me from time to time. So, I haven't learned to be alone)) Yesterday, after a conversation with S, I realized I also want to have a date. I've never been to, actually) So, I downloaded tinder again. I don't know where it will have left me)) Work. So, I'm totally procrastinating these days:( Mostly watch Coursera, youtube, read books, etc. I'd really want to start working with clients but must wait till October... So, dear future me, I hope you will - cope with depressed mood, which I have now, with procrastination - get US visa - start and develop your psychotherapy practice - know more about yourself and what you want from a relationship - make new friends - start to earn more Please, know that I love you, I care about you. And I won't let anyone harm you.