A letter from September 12th, 2018

Dear FutureMe, Dear FutureMe, Today is 12 September 2018. Not sure what's gotten into you lately, but you're super emotional. Maybe it's the stress from your upcoming Patho exam (your first, mind you) or maybe it's the stress of being on a full campus again. Either way it's misplaced emotion. Today, after coming back from the public library, you had a bit of a breakdown. To you, it was about not being where you wanted in life. How you were doing everything you didn't want to do. You're studying nursing, living in an apartment (in the living room by the way) that you don't want to live in (not because of Jay, it's just massively expensive), and depending on others to help you get by (see: Francesca giving you rides to clinical). And you're not that type of person. While, yes it's nice to not have to make decisions for yourself sometimes, there is a limit to how much one can take. I don't want my life to be dictated by my parents, yet that's how it is...at least for now. I want to be in control of the direction of my life, hence the sudden need to move to England. Even so, I’d be carrying around a degree in a field that makes me absolutely miserable. I hate the smell of hospitals. I hate the ambiance. I hate the people there. I hate nursing. But then why am I looking at PA schools? I couldn’t tell you. I suck at all things science, but I guess it’s a developing field in England and maybe (just maybe) I could be a pioneer in its full integration into the British healthcare system (too ambitious?). I rather not work on the floor. Hell, I rather not work with patients in general. “But, Lynn, why don’t you do something else with your degree? It’s very versatile!” Great question. Health administration is overdone, overused, and generally overpopulated. Why would I spend four years obtaining a degree wherein my job prospects are more than desirable, only to waste two additional years on a Master’s that wouldn’t even guarantee a decent paying job for me (without prior experience, that is)? Nurse attorney? Yeah, that was the goal for some time. It’s not gonna get me to England though. “Why England?”, I suppose is the final question. And the truth is, at this point in my life, I don’t know. There’s something about the country that compels me, and has done ever since eleven year old me discovered my George. This past (March 2018) visit only served as a way to confirm my love of the country. Being in London was busy and at times a bit crowded. Sure, the people are a bit ruder over there, but in my eyes, it’s just New York across the pond. People are busy and need to be somewhere. They don’t have time to smile at passersbys. Hell, they don’t have time to smile PERIOD as it’s overcast literally all the time. But Bath was a different story. It was downright beautiful. Yes, it’s a tourist town and yes, I was a tourist in it. I understand that that “lifestyle” is one that is very different than one where I actually live and practice there. But in Bath, you feel luxurious. While it may be because of the exorbitant living prices, it is also because the place is just magnificent. Overcast or not, the people are cheerful all the time. They always have time for you and not one person snubbed their nose up at me. They are welcoming and happy and everything I’d ever want in life. I know that you know a different reason why I would want to live in Bath, and to tell you that he was not a reason as to why the town attracts me would be a complete lie. Part of me wants to be with him because part of me feels like he’s supposed to be more than a small part of my life. I know it’s stupid and maybe he is playing me...but it’s been months (I know, brace yourself...I’m cringing for you future Lynn) and I can’t get him off of my mind. Everything reminds me of him. If I am in a relationship of any kind with any other guy (Derek, Ricky, Ryan, Isaac, Liam, etc. // wow I’m a hoe), I always imagine what it would be like for Sam and I to be in the exact same situation. Being in the same location for more than two nights. Gah, what a dream that would be. Maybe it’s because I’ve started watching “Love Island” that I’ve become all melty and soft for him again. Maybe it’s because I feel like there’s no one here for me. Maybe it’s because, despite everything that was going on around me, he made me feel like I had nothing to worry about. Like it was just me and him against the world in our two-hour (many times, longer) chats. Sure, toward the end (June 5th was the last FaceTime, I believe) of our chats, the magic seemed to dwindle. I suppose that’s because we were both busy, going through stuff, or came to the realization that yes, distance was a bigger issue than we thought. I still dream about what it would be like if he just turned up out of the blue. Or if I suddenly saw him in England during a school trip (Summer 2019?). But I digress. I’m not sure why this is on my mind. I guess it all comes with future planning. I’m just worried about how things are progressing as of now. It was only just a couple months ago when I couldn’t see myself living past 30. As a result of that, I’m not really sure how my life is going to go when I graduate from undergrad. Grad school? For sure. Now, it’s ‘which one’ that is the seemingly ever-present question. But after? Will I be married? Will I have a stable career? Will I have my own house? Where will I live? What will my family situation be like? I suppose the surprise factor is part of the fun, but knowing that won’t stop my anxiety about it. In the end, I guess none of that really matters. What I really want is to be happy and I guess the reason why the future is on my mind right now is because I can’t picture myself being happy with my current plans. While I am definitely not the ‘stay-at-home’ type, I’m not sure if a career in nursing (or the healthcare field in general) is something that is for me. This is something I’ve known since freshman year and, as a junior, my feelings have not changed. I can’t see myself being anything but miserable whilst being a nurse. That’s not something I want. Because look at my life so far, ok? -Saint Agnes: hated it. -Bishop Ireton: hated it. -JMU: liked that I had several outlets, but overall hated it (mostly for the study and roommate situation). -Marymount: absolutely loathe it. I know I’m complaining a lot, but why should my future be the same? Why should I have to be miserable in my place of work too? I deserve happiness in life, and whether that be in my work or home life, it’s something that I crave. No, it’s something I need. People say that your work is not your life, but it is, isn’t it? Because it dictates where you live, how you live, who you interact with, how you interact with them, and how you carry yourself. It’s YOUR LIFE. Why should mine be miserable? Just to make my parents happy? That’s a dumb reason looking back at it. And to think that I already put in three years trying to make others happy. Why can’t I do that for myself? I’m not at my lowest, no definitely not. But I’m at a low and for a good reason. I need to reevaluate my life, find the motivation to be better, and put it into action. I want happiness. I deserve it. So, future Lynn, how ‘bout it? Has anything changed? Don’t sit around to tell me about it. Change it. With all the sincerity in the world, Lynn Reinich Library Circulation Desk 23:37 | 12 September 2018