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A letter from January 1st, 2018
Well, 2017... What a rollercoaster. I learned so much and my mental health hit a all time low and I mean...a all time low. I'm in debt, my sister is in the process of divorce, I'm loosing friends one by one (Megan, and now recently mylin) and possibly Cory. I don't talk to Courtney that much but we're cool.
I'm back at Infocision but I'm in the Christian division and so far I'm liking it, it's less stressful and easier honestly. I'm still in contact with Angela and I'm making new friends in the Christan and media department so there is a silver lining to all of this, but on a real note, this year I was introduced to marijuana and around the middle of the year is when my mental health started talking a dive..I used it as a crutch and it wasn't good, I've sold so much stuff... For it... I'm ashamed and I'm working on trying to fix... Everything! And after I do I'm leaving Ohio, I don't know if I'll even be happy in Cali again but all I know is I gotta go.
As far as a love life I met Isaac in February 5th, and we're still together and still very much in love. I love him so much and I want to marry him right now.
Well... It's 11:35pm 12/31/17, I'm watching Dave chapell with my dad, high as a kite. I'm feeling ok, I'm trying out a new strain * fire og * I can't smoke over at home anymore so I smoke over dad's all the time, to crash over here all the time too.
I want to be there for Claire especially with her going through her divorce, but I don't want to suppress what happened when Claire tried to kill herself, the image is still very fresh in my mind. I'm still terrified that she'll try it again but things have changed for her and I'm starting to see a lot. I think in a lot of ways I've channed a lot too, I've lost a lot of weight but in a incredibly unhealthy way, I was so addicted to weed that I would only eat when high so when I wasn't high I didn't eat, and when I had no more money I wouldn't eat at all and I was ok with it. Isaac wasn't of course and he was worried and I understand.
On top of that my depression was hitting it's pique, I was starving myself and extremely suicidal and trying to keep it together, and somehow I did, I don't know how but I'm still here, I'm working at a stable job (for now) and I'm self medication properly and it's working wonders, I'm eating a bit more and I'm at a decent weight.
But overall I'm closer with my sister, with the whole suicidal thing it made us close, I was there for her through all of it, I didn't leave her side and I didn't cry in front of her but when I got back to her house and went in bathroom... Closed the door and lost it, I was sobbing and pleading for God or someone to not take my sister, I broke and it woke something in me in a strange way.
But... To rap this up, this was a very rough year, possibly the roughest year of my life. I'm never going to be the same and I have a lot of shit to make up for, but I'm looking forward to 2018, I'm hoping it's better, I'm hoping to explore more, to express myself more, and explore new things, to enjoy life. I want to have fun, I want to enjoy everything. So... 11:50pm here's to 2018. Good luck Lauren, you can do this and I believe in you 100% don't give up, please... It gets better I promise. Love your family more, and pay more attention, your art is getting hella better!! Although at the end of the month... Lol either way good job!! Keep it up!! You still have a chance to spread your art around the world. Do it!!! I love you <3 take care of yourself!!
And most of all, stop worrying about what other people think. Have fun!
Sent 1 year to the future, from January 1st, 2018 to over 1 year ago
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