Nostalgia for Stuff that Hasn't Happened Yet

To the Me of the future: I hope I made it. Obviously I am going to be alive, because dying is not my forte. Actually, is it? I wouldn't know. I guess I'll find out eventually. But I hope I made it past what I thought I'd be stuck in for quite some time / the rest of my life. The way I see myself right now is a 15-year-old girl who's pretty well off, except for the stuff that's in my head (like my insecurities!). I am afraid of judgement, and feel as if I am constantly receiving it from all who encounter me -- be they schoolmates, family, or friends. As for the romantic department currently, who knows? There's this one girl (who, for anonymity's sake, shall henceforth be referred to as B). The me reading this will remember her. I'm only recording this for fun, because it's 9:30 pm right now and I've got nothing going on. But after all, she and I were once girlfriends. Perhaps we will be again. I hope so, but it's not looking great. I currently pride myself in (read: hate myself for) my inability to maintain relationships of any kind. Friendships fade, while anything remotely romantic breaks off. The longest time I've been taken is three weeks, with a boy who was lucky I went for him. (That's a lie. I was desperate at the time. Hi, regret! Nice to see you again.) The only thing I've got going for myself is school. I suffer from a serious lack of motivation, meaning I'm rather fucking lazy. That, in turn, has led to fun things like being overweight, having nothing done, and constantly feeling the presence of a nice, looming sense of guilt and inferiority. Which I just love, of course. But, future me: don't worry. Motivate yourself. Get B to fall in love with you, and vice versa. Make your youth group's local chapter grow. Become a junior counselor at your favorite summer camp (which has in its attendance a second choice in romantic partner, assuming you and B don't work out). Tolerate your family. And, most importantly: be happy. But happiness won't start by wishing for it at 11:11. You've got to create it for yourself. And know that you have my support. Love (with everything, because you need it), MLS, 2017