A letter from April 18th, 2016

Dear Cory, So it's me. I'm writing you this letter today, but I'll have it sent a year from today. I want you to know I love you more than anything. I'm sorry for the person that I am. You have 100% of me, there is no one else. I gave all of that up not because it was the right thing to do... But because it doesn't get better than you. Cory, you've changed my life so much. You've made me see the beauty in life. Not because all of my problems are gone but because I know I have my best friend. Through thick and thin for the rest of my life. I'll probably forget that I wrote this to you by the time you get it.. But I do love you. You're the most amazing man I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. You've seen sides of me that I didn't know existed the good and the bad. As I write this I want to end it all, because I feel like I'm tired. I'm tired of being destructive. I'm tired of feeling trapped in my body. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not here for a reason. You deserve someone so much better than me. It's times like this that make me wonder- why are you even with me. I'm not the most beautiful woman, there's not really anything sexy about me, I'm not confident, I have a terrible attitude most of the time. I know that I have the ability to change but I don't know what is holding me back. I'm not going to tell you I feel this way because you think I'm doing better and I don't want to disappoint you again. You're at NTC & I know you're already stressed out. I don't want to make you worry about me anymore. I really hate when you do that . My mom , mirta, jimmy everyone thinks I do this for attention but I don't. I feel so utterly hopeless right now. I feel so trapped in my life and circumstances. I chose this life. Every single thing about it. I feel guilty that I feel this way . That you and Corbin aren't enough to change how I feel. The main reason that I feel that God doesn't exist is that I do pray to be better, to stop fucking feeling this way. Maybe most of it is in my control and I just am either to weak or lazy to change . I don't know. I do know I'm tired. If I'm not here when you read this please know I love you. I've always loved you. Not as much as I do now but you've made my life so much better. You've shown me what it's like to be loved unconditionally. I hope that's still the case when you read this . I hope you still love me. I know I'm always too much . I don't treat people good. That's why I think it's better this way if I'm gone. I'm tired of being a terrible human being. Corbin would be better off without me. The moment I truly fell in love with you was the day that I told you about my bipolar. I'll never forget that. Our first date together when we were 15 ... What like 7 years ago... I'm smiling as I'm thinking back on that. Us in your truck, our teeth hitting during that first kiss . So awkward at the time, I didn't know that my future husband was right in front of me. I wish things had turned out different after that date. Maybe I wouldn't be so fucked up. By who knows maybe I was super damaged at that point already . I love you Cory . I love how I feel when I'm with you. I just need to be with you. But that's the problem you can't always be here because that's exhausting. You're not truly living if you're too busy worrying yourself about your wife. I wish I was as strong and confident of a woman as I led you to believe when we finally decided to work things out all these years later. If I'm not here I hope you find a love that is able to love you the way you deserve. Sometimes I think you're just with me because you think I'm as good as it gets . That's not true. There are plenty of women that don't have 5 million emotional problems .. Women that wouldn't snap at you for leaving cigarette buds on the ground ... Women that wouldn't cuss you out when they don't get their way . Sometimes I hope that you'll leave me so I can go back to being bitter . At least I'd have a reason to feel this way. I want someone to make you feel the way you make me feel. I want to leave not because I don't love you, not because I don't want you.. Because you deserve better. You & Corbin are seriously the only reason I'm making it through today . & right now that's the only thing I can promise myself . Get through today. I love you baby.