One foot in front of the other foot and yet still standing still.

Hey man. How are things? I'm just...here, in bed, coughing once again and realizing i've done...well, nothing, really. I'm just where i've always been, with a thousand idea's and no drive to push them out of my head. I can't give up on this, right? I mean...I don't know. I find everything so hard at the moment. I don't get to bed early at all, and I feel like...Like i'm just a massive fuck up. I'm genuinely scared to leave the house, dude. I've blown all of my nans money. I know, shocker right? I guess that's how it'll always be, huh. I'll be bad with money, and then...then i'll just fall apart and wonder where I went wrong. I'm back to square one, or at least a square i've been standing on so many times it damn well feels like it's square one. I got jealous the other day because Grace was sitting on Ludwigs lap and flirting. I know I have no right to, and I kinda hated the fact I did...but I finally confronted her about it. I thought I could do things the way I was, but instead my mind is in complete chaos. I honestly don't know what makes me me at the moment, and I can't afford to have anything else get in my brain like that...I told her, simply, the truth. I can start to switch it off. I can take my affection and attraction, and wean off it. I did it with Phaedra, and now we're good friends. I did it with Cass, way back when. I can do it with her too. I just like to know exactly where I stand with people for my own sanity, or else...hah, I don't even know if I have any sanity left. I'm going to try what Alex said, and right a conversation to myself. Hi me. Hi. So you're back here, are you? actually no. This is not the right place for that. I feel so emotional all the time, man. Everythings getting to me, and I just can't cope. Instead I just hide away in my room and act like, like some mysterious force is gonna come along and save me. But it doesn't work like that, and I KNOW it doesn't work like that. So why can't I just find whats wrong and fix myself? I can't be broken beyond repair. I refuse to believe that. This world is hard, and cruel, and not fair. With the way the world is going, air strikes in syria followed by god knows what else, my first world problems...They probably won't matter. I'm genuinely scared that one of the casulties of this war will be the internet. If the internet gets shut down, if it's somehow erased...what happens to these? What happens to all the letters I wrote, still frozen in time for a version of me who will never recieve them? It scares me, genuinely. I don't love my country. I don't have a religion. This is not my war. So if i'm bought into it, who the hell do I fight for? What do I believe in, when push finally comes to shove? I think i'd have to do what I always do, and fight for my friends. I will stick by their sides and make sure no matter what happens, i'm not leaving them behind. I'm not leaving Cass. Ha...it's funny. In a wartorn england...that could genuinely end up being the final team. Me, Cass and Jake, 3 friends constantly pulled apart and bought back together. I'm really scared Star Wars the force awakens could be a target for an attack, so much so I considered getting a bulletproof vest in order to go see it at the midnight release. It wouldn't be the first time there had been a high profile movie shooting, and it would make sense...that paramedic dude who I was hanging out with Grace with, he said about how there's talks about them being prepared if a dubai massacre happened in the UK...Would I be being stupid? No. I have savings in my book, I can still pay rent. But even if I am being stupid and parinoid, I have to take into consideration...I may not be, and I will not die there. Hopefully I am. God help me, I hope I am. God help us all, I hope I am. I don't think i've ever been this scared before. I finally know where the name terrorists comes from, and I wish i didn't. I have to keep safe. Ha...Since when did I start caring about that? Man, talk about irony...I used to not give a shit about my life. Hell, even now sometimes I still want to die. But that would be my choice to make. And absolutely no one is making that choice for me, but me. I bought the vest. At this point, with the world going to hell...I can't risk it. Hell, if Doc Brown did it, so can I. I really hope I look back on this and laugh at my parinoia, rather than creeped out by how right I was. Be you later, man. Hopefully. -Oliver, aged 19.