A letter from May 21st, 2015

Dear FutureMe, A Letter to Myself 10 years from now How was life?I write this letter when I was 3rd year college, reason? I just feel so random or I’m hurt, dismayed, I’m sad and all the negative feelings I can say. It was almost 10 years and I know I still can see the jolly but fragile lady that I am way back then. Welcome to the life you have chosen to be. I know you still have those regrets in your mind and the what if’s. It’s hard to be the 10 years younger version of you, you know why? It’s hard to be one of those girls who believe that they can be more than anyone expect. Expectations and more expectations. That’s how I lived. I hope you won’t do the same thing I did 10 years ago. When I was the grade school kid, still can freshly remember how I build my dreams, how I spend my time playing in the ground my friends, how I was scolded by my mother because my uniform was so dirty and full of grasses and mud. That was priceless. I may cry because my mom is so angry to me but then I was happy because it was a memory that I can brought until my last breath. I also excel in class since kinder, I can brag about that. Ever since I was elementary I was immersed to be one of the best, to be one of the brain of the school. I gain so many awards, I win competitions and I gain more friends from other school. But mind you, we are not rich but we are not poor. Nanay and tatay can provide our 3 times a day meal, our education, our clothes and sometimes lucky to have our wants once in a while. I know I’ve enjoyed my childhood days. I played like an innocent child, worrying about nothing. Then I graduated in elementary as the batch salutatorian. I was the proudest day of my life, I know have made my parents so much and my family. But tatay was not around to witness how I accept all my awards and my diplomas because he was here in the city to work to sustain our needs and understand it, anyway, nanay was there and my tita’s and lolo and lola. I know I’m loved. My highschool life, here was all the first not including the “you-know-what”. First year was my first disappointments, I became so confident and chill in my studies, I fall in the 8th place of the honors ranking. That was a long dropped, and I never see that one coming. My parents are so disappointed and so do I. I cried but I know I can’t take it back, all I can do is move on and take chance on the next year level. First year, I have my first crush his name? Same as my kuya’s name. Now here I can say love is blind, he was not that handsome but he’s attractive, he treat me like something that I can say I’m love. This is what we call back then “Paasa”. Funny thing, right? I still can remember how my classmates tease me on him. He was 3 years ahead of us. I know, that’s kinda far, but still love is love no matter what, and then I realized it was all a puppy admiration thing. Second year, I can say academically I return on the top 3 eventhough it is not the 2nd or first I’m still happy that I bounce back harder than I expected, or maybe because I got grounded the whole year, yes, that’s whole year. I know I break my nanay’s trust and I deserved it. And little by little I’m trying to fix everything back (but I know it’s a long wait). Third year, this year was an achievement because I made it to top 1, I never expected it. Another is that I was given a chance to compete for a foreign language competition and though I never won the first place atleast I ranked 2nd. Fourth year? Last year in highschool, I can still remember how we go to swimming without permissions,really I’ve done that. I don’t know what to feel, my classmates are not just classmates for me, we been together for almost 11years, we share the same classroom, we clean the same ground, we run in the same road, we play in the same grass, we share papers, borrow one’s pen, share the same heartbreak stories, drink the same water,take the same exam, pass together or fail and all of those stuffs. They are not just classmates, they are brothers and sisters. It was our last year and we wish, it wasn’t the end. How I missed those things, we may fight because of misunderstanding but still run into each other saying sorry for what we’ve done. And to my teachers, I would like you to tell them that I was so thankful for being our second parents, for treating us their bunch of childrens and for sharing the knowledge and experiences to us that guides us to where we are right now. Highschool life, it was really the most memorable years of everyones life, though we never experience to have the JS Prom, I know everybody enjoyed everyones company. Do me a favor, tell them I already missed them and I’m really thankful that they became a part of my story. And now I’m in college, I was lucky enough to have a full scholarship in one of the prestigious school in the Philippines- DLS-CSB. I’m currently taking up a bachelors degree in HRIM major in culinary. Overwhelming right, the tuition? Don’t ask for it, it’s too high. Studying here? I know everyones proud but some are doubtful, some say I’m so smart but I am not. I know to myself ever since that I want to be an ingeneer, I want to be known in that field. But I choose to be practical, I choose this course because I have here the assurance to be one of the best but still in my heart I know this isn’t me. I just tell myself that I can learn to love this one, besides it’s about food. Weird right? The first two years, it was challenging I learn to live alone, decide for what to eat, decide which is right, take good care of one self,cry alone and etc. I learn to be strong enough, solve my own problem, experience to be wide awake for more or less 48 hours, experience to skip meals because of schedule, I learn to be myself in the eye of those rich brats, so far that two years was a mix of mess and achievements full of ups and downs. But now in my last year, I realized that I can’t still see myself working in the industry, I can’t see myself working in the kitchen, I can’t see myself in the future, I’m so confused, but then it’s just a year before I graduate, I can never turn back I have to finish what I have started. I know its hard to do things you really don’t like but I have to keep on striving, I have to. May I ask you? Are you happy now? Are you contented with all your decisions? Do you learn to love what I have done now? Or you regret everything I did now? Do you want to go back and change anything? I hope you go on, made your choices right, living with something you never really dreamt of is like living in hell. Please forgive me for all the wrong decisions I made. I wish you can go on, and learn from all the experienced I been through. Yours truly, 18yearsoldyou