Hi me, it's you!

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Vicki, How are you feeling today? I’m pretty hungover right now after a rather emotional night out with Scott (are you still friends with him?) I’m sure you'll remember it, but in case you don't, you cried for hours because you were drunkenly overwhelmed by that feeling of loneliness and self-loathing you usually get. I sincerely hope all that's better now. I hope you love yourself, I hope that you don't want to end your life anymore and, most of all, I hope you're HAPPY. You will have had a lot of therapy for your BPD by now. How did that go? Did it help at all? Did they put you on any medication in the end? I hope not; I know you don’t like being deemed a ‘head case’ and I think being on medication kinda makes it official. Are you still fat? If so, lose some weight love! If not, I’m so, so, so proud of you! Right now I’m technically single, but I’m just a tad in love with Lenny. If all goes to plan, you will have met in person for the first time now! Was it all you thought it would be? Did you enjoy the adventures you planned? How was he in bed? ;) …Did it even happen? Maybe that fell apart and you’re in a relationship with someone else? Or maybe you’re just single. Either way, I hope you’re happy. How was Thailand? I hope you had lots of adventures. Are Steve and Stop still together? Is Chris still a dick? What poor woman has he gotten into a relationship with now? Oh and I wonder who your friends are now. Joanna, Laura, Adam (I kinda hope not Adam)? I don’t really have many friends at the moment… Do you have a job yet? Or maybe you went back to education? Are you even still living at home? In England? Bit of a morbid question, but is everyone still alive? Life’s short. I hope you remembered to love everyone in the family to the full, Vicki sweetie. Please, please, please learn to love yourself. With all my faith and love, Your younger self.

Epilogue

about 20 hours later

Hey younger me!

I'm sure I feel better than you did when you wrote this all that time ago. I had completely forgotten about that night, but thanks for reminding...

Em. . . Twih any on, tostc ont efirsdn orem i'm. So ngnoith trpeeaas jtsu ceohs latk fi enhdpap,e etyblrir alrery uor efbri we apcarutlri we we ni own ashtp od ts'i lseiv adn to. Bnee tath evha yd,llratimcaa wya fele hteer to sola wnod ewf ym ooahlcl ehav i nitmuoponcs iiporosnpettu utc so.
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I bertet ceasbeu i ohcse ot saw i 'pa'herty tsop onigg to hhugott ,alcuatyl. Nagbe adn lh!wie tuyaclla rzyca tno ojb orf i ,pceo i naiga to tuelgsgr a ta utb ddi gneib a hugtoht oogd ypetrt i i lucod. Sue i was engorl opyisrevul asw i efsl htey but e;ramhd ot gniev to ldot i sesexcrie em dha ueasbce og a,ckb tusj secho i lehp teh on cl'ontud pll-feshe i. Eysevler akcb idemictona cresha i of my netw sdia thye cone on ubt cueaebs iytexan gmnpaicti ni moer yevrayed aws ieecnet,sx. It btu o,tl im' it saw ayko sha ecdfefat a and iiflfdtuc me.
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Yse. I taf am tlsli. I h'vanet vnee gewith an eosl meatttp ot deam. Ryosr im'.
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Atlaihdn. Ifmlay -cegi eth oeurcs of my ke,ew roefcd cdol tou ni ym tihnwi oodm nrutb rkeu,yt was ym dna eeldturs eonnctii esnrenigt ntloyuntauref i rtfsi em ihwch os uiqt to tceafdfe. No hte rehs,tiowe nda epedtis ckba lyhiado ndyflo het olko was trase natermsu,g nrdofeuwl i dna ti. Zuok ylulf buacs cbaatta,h eandrle tnew bmgdeuers e)l(tuayelnv elucutr athi dan i ni i nda to encad tfel ngivid. Ietm keldi btu i 'hsrete vhae ieexpecenr eosppus i oldwu rom,e to ntex aylswa.
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Tsvee nad aer on spot etogreth lrnego. Vdemo )baby a so dna is lsoa tbu d,cki 'esh esh hiwt hitw a ydteieflni ntrhaeo daje yevr ahs ltlis now't eh lnyfali (hwo i ih,m ihsrc fralyi esmse phyap has terfnerei tuo!. Aaikt ogrnst nad hgeoetrt ydna sllit are gigon adn. To so ebwetne fro ratlievgn nad 'ytereh maek mteh lgndnae tlyai ko,wr ti im' lspaede ealyrl. Ehr miss nat'evh i anajon s,tnhom nespok tn'do to tub i rfo. Leif ni be i are hetm lfteargu aualr ebts mreo heva ot amda clntdo'u my and ym nad sriednf. .
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Neroveey oyu ceshrih si nda lvoe orf veai,l eovdl hkfnaluytl iremdgnni tnhak btu ltsil me nose ym ot. Good enes enhuog eth iewlh a rfo mthe sdepn atnevh' odn't a tol i fo nyeral mfliya nad i mtei whti.
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Iekl i to deg,alnn i ta alpec adn as litsl lvie i oson at work asnem aveh ot i do het ini,ontewad my mheo aifnncila luowd tub ni gte own own. .
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Evry amislir teraihlipsno nehw sh'e w(ho to is iahanltd igrl tiwh onw lnyen to sepdotp i niklagt a to ni me em taeorhn dan entw gniolko. . . Evenr vneer stepl so we we xrienceedep adn ) trehgoet ew hte renev datreevuns ,mte.
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Pietlonhsira ppyha veha dna yma ma neeb 24th 0214 i in i nad incse a whti. I em mih oelv he adn slevo. Dpleeh eew'v moecbe eahc caeh pepeol eatorelt rzayc o'hrets ttrbee nda throe we. Iuuaflteb sah heepld and ym obdy he voles me he efle. Nu'dowlt him oipnt i ont a dah lsef rfo eashr eeberrmm ttha fo otn eon eolv nda 'ist btu if we at ihm ew otheliirspa,n eb oru hwo hucm aegrnutms laeyrn urctern rpeceft rfia tehn nda i pu, i kboer ym vhae.
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Wa,y cripts smuclia eht nese the kdcwi,e talaimd eth nwo ho, by iev' adn. Mreo ot nyam ese i !(!!) ed mi' ilwl ithgns adn aehrnes osno uers have ees i kobo ot sktitce adn q, veuean.
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Ti otg icvki ,retebt.
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My oelv, all.
Rivcaito xxx.

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