To the one who will always be Pooh Bear,

Dearest Alexandre, Today is our baby's due date. Assuming things went in the direction they have only just started to, we haven't talked since February 24th, 2013. From what I last saw of you, I really hope you're not where I'm expecting you to be. You're not that person. Right now, I'm trying my best to accept the fact that I cannot help you, but I'm so angry that no one else is going to, especially not yourself. As of right now, I wouldn't even feel comfortable leaving you alone with our baby. Just a few days ago, I was going to make at least monthly trips to SLO with baby, so you could spend time with our child. Alex, I pray to God that you're not that person. You're my best friend in the entire world, but I can't help you. I can't tell your parents anymore. I can't allow you in my life. I know you believe that I destroyed our relationship, but let's be honest. If those original Skype messages that I found on July 29th, 2012 never existed, we would be okay. I'm praying that I don't have to explain to our child that she doesn't know her daddy because he's not a safe person. That's not fair to baby. I'm so far off track right now, I can't even see straight. I'm actually sending this to remind you how incredible of a person you are, and how you deserve better than the life that you're creating for yourself, even if you're a goddamn astrophysicist by now. Okay, that's stretching it, you're going to read this in 4 months. It'd be possible for you, with those charms and devilish good looks. I'm sure I miss you horribly by now. I hope you've come to an understanding of why I needed you to leave. I'm sorry for the anger that followed, on my part. The aggression was unnecessary. I had just told you that I couldn't have you be apart of our pregnancy, for my health and the baby's, just days after you decided to be apart of our lives. I'm sorry, but I really cannot deal with the pain of having the expectation of your love only to be crushed over and over and over. It's not fair to baby to be born into this world with a broken heart too. I keep picturing the labor in my head, and no matter how hard I try, I can't imagine going through that without you there. Maybe that's just for now. I don't miss you. I don't feel like I need you here. It's weird for me. I don't feel any better, yet, but I'm sure that's to come. Maybe by the time baby is born. I wonder if baby is born yet. I know it's the due date, but I mean, when have I ever gone according to plan, let alone my child? Maybe she'll be something like you, and come out at midnight today. Oh sweet jesus, no. I'm so scared of going into labor. I'm going to write a journal, one letter every day, to baby. I'm going to tape one of the flowers you gave me into it and pictures of you and me. Maybe I'll give him or her the ring. I don't know. Baby needs to have a part of something that was both of ours, other than DNA... I hope you're as incredible of a person as I know you can be. I hope that you get to meet our baby. I hope you find happiness without using any crutches. You're better than that. I love you, Alexandre and I always will, more than I could even explain or show you while we were together. Be kind to yourself. Most fondly and infinitely yours, Brooke Lindsay P.s. Even if I live in Hong Kong by now, email me, and I'll be there.