appa :(

Dear FutureMe, I never thought I’d be saying this but appa has a tumor in his liver and there’s a 95% chance that he has cancer. I don’t know what to do. He’s the only man in my life apart from auditor mama, who hasn’t made me shed a drop of tear. He is the most innocent and genuine person and im sure anyone can say that about him. Mum’s really upset and she tries really hard not to show it. But I think its quiet obvious. We haven’t even told umma. It’s scary. I’m scared. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 23.10.08 (2:56 am) Umma knows. He has cancer. It can’t be cured. His life span is somewhere between 4 to 18 weeks. If he does a surgery that is risky and if it fails (god forbid) then his days are lesser. If it’s successful (inshallah) he lives for more years. 18 weeks is 4 months! I can’t even imagine that he has four months or less. One thing that can’t be changed: it’s going to be painful. I’m not yet able to understand the enormity of the situation. It can’t happen. I don’t understand why this has to happen. What went wrong? Allah why would u do this? I’m sure everything you do has a reason but isn’t my grandpa the most amazing man and doesn’t he deserve to live happily? He cried today about how his stomach hurts. His liver has expanded to three times its original size. He doesn’t even know. What’s happening? When did all this happen? How could we have not noticed? And more importantly why isn’t there a freaking cure???? Sometimes I don’t understand life. I’ve given up on rahim and I’ve begun to accept the fact that we most probably won’t be together and I’ll have to move on. Now this! Why are things so cruel? Why? Why can’t life just be simple and happy? He’s too young to die! He has time Allah. Please. He has a lot more to see in life. Please make the surgery help him. Let it be successful. Please let him live. Please. I can’t lose another important person in my life. Please take me away instead Allah. Please. Do something. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 06.11.07 His surgery didn’t go well. His bigger tumor ruptured and the doctor had to remove it and he took out one litre of bad blood. The original plan was to remove the smaller tumor. He had two big tumors on either sides of his liver. The one on the left side was the size of a cricket ball and the other on the right side was the size of a football. They had decided on removing the small tumor and cutting the blood supply for the bigger one and waiting for the tissues in the left lobe grow and then after three months remove the “football – sized” tumor. But things didn’t happen as per the plan like I mentioned. The bigger tumor ruptured and they were left with no choice but to remove it. After the surgery, appa was shifted to the ICU and he was recovering. I personally feel that this is because he had no idea that he had cancer and he thought that the operation would set everything right. It was a mind set. First having said that he needed to be in the ICU for a minimum of two days under super hygiene conditions, none of us were even allowed to visit him. But the doctor changed his mind and moved him to a normal room. This was the first mistake. After half an hour he started acting up and had uneasiness. He asked my uncle to get the doctor but the doctor dismissed him saying these things happen after the surgery. He puked froth and had breathlessness and my aunt saw his eyes go up and that was the second time we rushed to get the doctor and forced him to come have a look. He had a heart attack. This was the first time my aunt lost hope. She said, “I saw him lose his soul there that night. His whole body reacted and I thought that was the last time I heard him speak.” He wasn’t doing very well. His reports said that he has swelling in the brain and kidney failure. They kept him in the CCU and he was living on the ventilator. He was under sedation and the doctors had no clue of what was to happen next. We waited for 24 hours and found out that he is in a coma. How much more could a person go through? They have now taken him from Apollo and admitted him in zubeda nursing home, which is next to my grannies place so my grandma could stay at home and care for him. I saw my appa this morning and I have never seen anything so terrible and disturbing like that. My appa has always been the handsomest man in the entire world. He always managed to look perfect and young. He dressed like a king and looked even better. People always fancied him and he was an immediate favorite among everyone. He was my gorgeous wing man. He’d always bail me out of trouble and pamper me. But today when I saw him, he looked tortured. His hair was a dirty mess, his face was rough and unshaven and his whole body was swollen from all the medicines. He had a thousand tubes all over his body and the one particularly disturbing one was dragged out of his mouth. His body occasionally shuddered and he looked lifeless. His expression was pained and he was in perfect agony. I couldn’t stand longer enough to observe more. I dashed out howling like anyone would have. This was the first time I lost hope. Do miracles still happen? I don’t think he’ll survive for two more days. The last time I had a conversation with him was on the day he was going to have his surgery. Appa kissed my hand and started crying. He was scared but he never in a thousand years would have expected to go through what all he did. I’m sitting here crying my heart out, hoping he’ll come back home with his million dollar smile. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ He passed way later on the same night, 11:45, on 06-11-07 at ZUBEIDA nursing home. He lived a happy man but died in much pain. We strode to the hospital in grieving silence. He was inside the ambulance to be taken away. They said they wouldn’t even keep him till the morning. I went inside and looked at him for a long time, silent tears streaming down my cheek. He had a painful expression. They say people die with a smile sometimes but he had no pleasant expression. I kissed his icy cold forehead and whispered of my love for him. That was the first time I was scared of death. The next day at the funeral I kissed him twice again and I felt the same chillness. Tears would not satisfy the hunger of my sorrow. I have lost him forever and the fact that I’d never see my jolly grandpa bustling around the place depressed me. All things end one day and this is easily said but every time I see a gorgeous picture of him, my mind races to that night when I saw him in the hospital, his heart beating for the last time. Little did I know that I would lose my grand pa so soon and I miss him already. There’s no moving on and that much I can tell you