A letter from November 23rd, 2023

Peaceful right?

Hey future me how are we doing now?
Its our last thanksgiving before being an adult, moms and Kuya are sick. It's been a bad couples of years hasn't it. Right now we're a bit sick too, a real nasty bug it is. Todays the first day we've been able to get up and around. I just want to know why we've been so unlucky.
Four damned years of hell. All four years of high school have been completely miserable. There's been pockets of light keeping us going, but it really feels like this damned streak of misery is never gonna end. I'm being selfish I know that, but why can't I be happy. I should be wishing mom could be happy, but I'm such a terrible kid that all I can do is think about myself. Why couldn't I have any good birthdays, Christmas's, ******* summer breaks. Why couldn't I have just one thing. Every little accomplishment and event was overrun by someone else. So what we couldn't go snowboarding, so what Kuya ruined it. So what he had to be admitted back into the psyche historial. So what we failed all our classes our junior year the most ******* important one. So what we haven't turned in all college application when they're all due in 5 days. So what if you preformed for your school so what you represented your culture for the mayor.
What's the point of all of it if we're not happy. if nothing matters, if I don't even want to be alive. why does any of it matter. but I still want to be happy, is that selfish of me. to wish to be truly happy for once. To not find things that I think should make me happy that others expect me to smile and laugh at. I've felt so empty for so long. But I know I shouldn't. I have nearly everything I could ask for don't I?
I have a mother I have an amazing step dad I have a big brother I have friends right I have my family.yet I'm not happyyet I still cry with an empty head.
even now tears stream down my face, still my head reamains empty. only in times like this do my thoughts not hurt.
Everything is to much. but it'll all my fault. if I could be normal, if i wasn't such a coward everything would be okay.
Maybe if I was just a bit stronger I wouldn't be such a burden.
this is my promise- I will make it to graduation, then I'll leave maybe move across the world where no one can find me where I can learn to love myself.

Epilogue

11 months later

I’m almost done with my first year of university. It has been a struggle. As always math and us don’t get along. We’ve failed one semester of math most likely...

Stih sa llwe xent ialf noigg neo ot. Its’ nto geatr. Ot ahwt kwno do tub i todn’. .
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Itringw ehtes teha i rslteet. Ellt cn’at ’im or nootni uyrlt hzay orf ni if etgs ofr hy?w iwtrnig ym mfyesl mi’ fi lefngie eaeucind dweorn utb way i nrbia na htis i atth tno the. A to srnvioe htta ndee i vahe mlyfse of smto egap no hte igtrneaentin. Are eth ro sethe erthcra me rowsd cmigno romf ’mi gntriiw lla. It ecsars em. .
Or caef het the at ryedaf yrltu racdes catf mi’ i egesd to meaby ahtt am. Sti’ su voer woldr hte ilek ,egeld loorf lsefe a htta hte yma it and lslaf allwosw ew lal lwohe teh of reewh olok kiel nwhe eusndd nfeeigl. Llytacua yhave si’nt tgwniir eefl ehiwl afrdia odnw su the how taht ttah essrperu ew nips. Ttah asmk olsof dtrcaee hte vwe’e vnee wno us. Siguedis htat ’dnto rou vee’w ’weev ltos nwok drfaai enev tontge deep ni atth elfnal we so woh. Dya vrnee tc,isk aler to veern taht to esme elfsigne the taht leef yad smee ot. Inptgtu f,lee hwne tihs fesduer on at who eprap we trast us dsowr cone elt olssvuere ot ew getrvhyine lla. .
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Neve psnreo sit won ctsnaoi a cna abrin uc,hm fitsle eeaolrtt so pcttore noly fmro vnee heitr tuiln ecddeis ot romf seetve,hslm. A c,lcieh ro raeatwfll kiel a si’t btu *** s’it. It how wfe a tiwh rpis,d a bmeya trasst tkcielr. Fslal robfee lla neoc ta hivgrteyne. Ceon eht ikel wlodr hits ta wtha of eht all hitwge ssmee. I nca hrtee mn,stoem omitgnshe tehn, abck neve is dan eenv tilsl oknw in nebig dlhe htseo. .
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Amde ifdren w’vee a nwe. Messe to gnnoniay ecdide mi’ oemr oemr vhae utb ihgtynan than fi i aer noctnfde,i leik we tye ti iactng.
Rsadce ’mi. .
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Olwrd eht me ecarss. I omtmne kigwan ask to ti aehc post. Nro i of do ton wproe i gdo am ubt vhae teh eno. .

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