A letter from May 31st, 2023

Dear FutureMe, i think it’s time to go now, i don’t really know what went wrong or why i was so unlucky when it came to the draw of life. But i’ve done all i can, you can’t say i didn’t fight i didn’t try, i did trust me i really did. from the day i was born i came out fighting constantly overcoming different illnesses and problems. struggling with everything about me inside and out but in the end i came on top. but life clearly wasn’t done messing with me. high school was meant to be the big fat restart button on my life, i was going to come out on top. and that was the beginning of my downfall, doing an innocent like reading books with friends is what alienated me from my own family for my whole high school life. i tried to understand where they were coming from but it didn’t make sense. so i ignored it because i had to deal with the issues within me, i’ve hated the way i look since i was a kid. but that’s normal for girls my age it wasn’t a big deal until it was. my skin made me want to tear it off my flesh, my weight made me want to never touch food again, never look at myself in the mirror. so i hid myself behind layers of clothes and laughs. that was until i hit the middle of my high school life and showing skin was the way, dating boys was the way. but i couldn’t do that but i did i wore clothes that made me uncomfortable that made me sick to be in but i had too to feel better about myself it worked for all the girls. it doesn’t matter what you wear on the outside if you can’t even come to terms with what’s on the inside. year 9 comes and i can’t take it anymore so i decided to take my life into my own hands but i fail leaving me ill and resentful that i didn’t try hard enough. if i wanted it bad enough it would’ve worked. so i went back to laughs and making friends that’s what made me happy, distracted me from reality that my life was falling apart right before my eyes. by the start of year 11 i decided i’m not going to be a doctor or nurse anymore, i’m going to be gone instead a memory in people’s mind that will soon fade, a single day a year where people are forced to remember a life that was there one moment then gone the next. i wanted to enjoy my last two years, not sure if i actually wanted to be around to graduate high school. so i had the most fun i could at school, failing classes because they didn’t matter then coming home to the silence of room and the noises of my mind, day in day out. I Made It. i graduated high school, why i never really knew why. but after that things went from bad to worse, i didn’t have my life in my own hands because someone threatened it themselves. so i left ran away at 17 with no clue in my mind on where i was going, but i was ALIVE for the first time in a while and it meant something to me so i kept pushing for. i was on a high called LIFE and i wanted more, too bad that high was going to hit a brick wall. my mind was sick of the distractions so i created new distractions to keep my mind at bay. selling my body for any attention and purpose someone could give, going out by myself to find danger, drinking it all away and then letting myself bleed as punishment. it was a cycle of ruin my mind and body finally agreed too, until it wasn’t enough. i had to ruin the inside more, the alcohol wasn’t enough, the over eating wasn’t enough i had to end it permanently. the perfect way to go alcohol and pills, go into a deep sleep and never wake up. i perfected it everyday to what time i was going to do it, to what i was going to wear, to if i wanted to be buried or cremated. It Was Going To Work. but clearly it didn’t because i was planning my last goodbyes people started to catch on my plan and it was put on an indefinite hiatus. i decided to come back to the place i ran away from because i wanted to get the closure that i was so badly craving and be at peace when i go and not have my random roommates find me instead. it was okay with me i was ready, but my body loved every mark i put on my body. i couldn’t stop i didn’t stop, it didn’t matter to me what my body looked like i already hated it. then i hit a plateau in my life, i didn’t feel anything, i didn’t care if i lived or died, i just didn’t care. I Was Confused. so i chose to fake it until my mind gets out of this state, i was going to plan out my life like a normal person until my mind got me out of this empty state. i would plan my funeral so i’m prepared when i’m ready. and this time it will be final no distractions no change of mind. It’s either I live or die or suffer the consequences of my mind. That’s where i’m at… i’ll tell you when i’m ready. i’ll be ready soon, i’m reaching my breaking point. If you’re seeing this you’re 20 you made it, i hope you’re happier. Or maybe this letter is getting sent to no one.