A letter from Apr 11, 2023

hello, charley I've only ever written two letters on future me. they were short and to the point. I wanted to know if we were happy in the future. I had read that question, and told myself to give it time. this time I think I just want to know if we're happier. I'm not sure what to write, but I know I want this letter to be longer than my others. I think I'm spiraling a little right now. I cut all my hair off, which isn't out of character for me. But this time I seem to miss it long, which is in fact, out of character. I think I'm just struggling to feel beautiful, and trying to cope. I want to get new glasses soon, maybe some thin framed ones, round. I'm always hesitant when It comes to new glasses, they always cost so much, But I'm eighteen right now, and I have a job. So I could pay the bulk. We'll see. speaking of the job, It isn't as bad as I thought It would be. I'm struggling with my anxiety right now, (like always) and I am like I said earlier, "spiraling", but hopefully I can settle in a bit more comfortably. (probably not) I never thought I would drop out of school, I had my whole future planned out. I don't know what I want to do. Everything's changing so fast, and its like I cant adjust to the speed. I feel like throwing up all the time just thinking months ahead, let alone years. I sometimes regret dropping out of school, usually when I forget how overwhelmed I was becoming. everything was hard then. I tell myself its fine, and I can always go back. I'm trying to figure out what to do now, and I've been thinking of going back to school for something else. I don't know. I'm having this delivered on January first, of twenty twenty-four, and I'm sure we'll have something figured out by then. I wonder if we'll still have this job, probably not. hopefully not. I always wonder why we cant be like everyone else, all my old classmates and friends seem happier, than me, like its some inside joke, and I'm envious of it. I took a break from writing this to go talk to dad, we talked about the pool and the dog and whether or not he needed to get my sister from school. my dog goes to get a biopsy tomorrow, I hope it isn't cancer, and I hope he's happy when you read this. I feel like I have a lot to say. but I just cant think of any of it. Have we cut our hair again? do we feel prettier now? are we any happier? are we in school? do we still like our room? what has changed? I'm scared most days- everyday. I wake up scared, and I go to bed scared. I don't have much of an appetite these days, and that's probably why. I don't know what I'm scared of, but whatever it is has got me terrified. Are we still scared? I hope not. I feel like I need to rush, and everyone around me is screaming "hurry up!" but I've got a few bruises on my legs and it hurts to run. and I know they don't notice, but I feel like they wouldn't care if they did. I dropped out of school, and they all yelled "get a job!", so I got a job, and now they just yell "work more!" but I'm tired. Do we have any friends, do we go places now? It's fine if we don't, we like to be alone. I had so much to say, I wish I could remember. I think I'll just say, congrats on living, I hope we're happier, and I hope whatever were doing is going well. I know you'll be getting this on January first, and we hate that month, so make sure to have lots of fire nights with Mack, don't rush, take your time, move at your own pace. Also I hope we have more tattoos and more clothes. Read lots, and love lots, charley, I still feel like I have something to say, but i dont remember. ill send the letter anyway, I hope it finds you well. You might be getting another letter soon after this one if I can remember.