A letter from Jan 03, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Okay, so I did this last year and will make it a tradition for years to come. I'm going to start this with a good old fashion hello. I've been putting off typing this for a couple of days now but I know that it is something that I need to do. whit that said let's get started. 1. I know this is how I started last year but I think it needs to be addressed again. Lyndsey along with all the other people you lost throughout high school, does their leaving still bother you? Did you and Lyndsey ever speak again? Did you fully get over her? If you had another shot at being her friend (if you haven't already) or would you think that you guys would be better apart? Now onto Carlie and Maria. Are you still sad that they left? Was sophomore year still the best year you ever had now that you're a senior? Did you manage to get back in contact with them? The senior friends that you've made this year, do you still keep in contact with them? What about Cole? God, I hope you did. Did you get over your fear of being alone? Or people that you care about leaving you? Good god, this was a doozy but let's start from the top. Lyndsey leaving doesn't get to me like it used to. Right now at the moment, I do not expect to be friends with her again. I do however sometimes hope that maybe just maybe if I reach out she'll respond. I look back on those days that I spent with her with a sad melancholy of the joyful times we once had with her. With all the pain that woman brought me, I'm also very grateful for her. The pain and everything she put me through helped me grow as a person. I also want to put in this quote from last year's letter because I tend to like causing myself pain from time to time. "At this point in my life, I'm still trying to get over what I knew was going to happen. I miss the time we used to spend together. I keep trying to figure out why things ended like they did but I can't. Did I end things or did she? I am grateful to her, truly. She helped me out of a dark place that I was in, dealing with school, and my emotions about me being *** and she's the person that helped me get out of my shell. She is the reason why I'm the no-filtered, speak-my-mind, straightforward girl that I am today... I wish I could tell her I'm sorry and thank you, thank you for everything." All of my friends that I lost do take some healing to get through even if I knew the end was coming or even if things didn't end on a negative note. I, Carlie, and Maria didn't end technically on a negative note but overthinking and just me being sad that our friendship is over really made it a lot more unbearable to handle. This goes for every significant friendship I've been in. While I do find it normal to be sad, think that my issue is that I either don't care to a scary degree or I get over-attached and can't handle when people leave out of my life. This is an issue that I've always had. In my middle school years, I never got close to anyone. grant it I didn't get hurt by this same problem but I didn't have nearly as much fun. I sometimes wonder to myself " is it better to be not close with anyone even though that means you won't have as much of an enjoyable time and not get hurt or is it better to be close with a lot of people that means you will have an enjoyable time and get hurt" It is something I know I need to work on. 2. Friends/teachers. Are you close with any of the same friends that are friends with this year? Did you make any new good friends? Are you alone? Did anything interesting happen with Hamilton? Are we still close to smith? Is Smith even teaching anymore? How are we with saunders? How is Chamblee? The friends that I have this year are kind, sweet, and wonderful but I think I'm distancing myself a bit from them so I don't feel that much of a connection with them. They are just kind of there. I mean that any other person could fill the role that they played in my life. It sounds terrible but it is honestly how I feel about them. I even have a stronger connection with the girls that were in my construction core class than I do with the majority of my current friends now. I think this a good thing however because I am finding a good balance between having fun and opening up and not letting myself get too attached to people. The teachers here at this school have helped me out a ton and I mean A TON. First, we have hamilton. She is an amazing human. I'm still a bit skiddish to open up to her. Just the way she handled me when I was in a depressed mental state by comparing me to her ex. I get that she had A LOT of things going on with her at the time but it just made my mental state worse. Then she made my mental state better by keeping in contact with me over the summer. I know it doesn't make sense but here we are. Smith was talking about going back to college and ii hope she did. She is not fit to be a teacher. She just can't handle the mental strain of it all. Also hopefully if she did you two still kept in contact. Cham has helped me out more than I thought she would in just this semester alone and I enjoy spending time with her. She just needs to learn how to have more self-respect. As for saunders, man that woman is scary but she's also super nice and I also owe her a lot. Hopefully, I'll get closer to her as time passes. 3. Your future. I know I have said this repeatedly but by now I hope you at least have an idea of a career path by now. Right? Do you still want a job that pays well? What colleges did you sign up for? What colleges did you know you got into? Did you get a scholarship? How much financial aid did you get? Do you feel like you're getting old? How does it feel to be an adult? Do you have a job now? Did you change your mind about having a job through college? Was all of the stress worth it? All of these questions stem from my lack of motivation. However, I found out over my high school course from a friend that even if I don't have a specific goal in mind I still need to do my best so I can be anything I want to be. I have gone through so many things I want to be in my future having my heart set on none of them. I've wanted to be anything from a neurosurgeon to a lawyer. I guess the reason I haven't gotten my heart set on anything is that I haven't looked. I'm scared that if I look reality will set in and my childhood will be over so I keep making excuse after excuse not to do it. I know sooner or later I'm going to have to get my **** together and hopefully by the time you read this I do. With all of that said right now at moment I think all the stress I'm going through right now is well worth it. However, AP gov was a load of ******** and the stress was not worth it. Right now when I get a job I want it to be for financial reasons but I know I'm in for a sad life if I do that so hopefully, there is a happy medium that you come to. 4. Family. Good god, has it taken me a while to type this. It's taken 15 days to be exact. Let's get started tho. Is mom still an acholic? Does she still have terrible moods? Are you planning on keeping in contact with her when you get to college? How is Amber? Are you guys getting along? Are you guys closer now? Have you two reverted back to not being on good terms? Have you heard anything about grandma or that side of the family? Do you know who your father is? Did you ever contact Bethany and Noah again and if so how are they? Ron and Angie. How are they? Are you keeping in contact with them? There has been so much that has happened when it came to family over the past year. Let's start with our mother. She is acholic and she gets in her moods. It's not pretty. She guilt trips and is kinda a narcissist. She also acts like our grandmother with how prideful she is. An example is when Ron and Angie didn't bring home food one weekend she got angry because she was expecting it and didn't eat. She yelled about how Ron should have called instead of coming home. She then proceeded to slam her door and when Ron offered to go out again but she said no, don't worry about it with an attitude. I hate that she is so ungrateful to the people who have given us everything. I hate it so much. She lied about being raped; which makes me sick. My sister says that if she keeps it up she won't see her grandchildren. With all that says I know my mother cares about me but she has to straighten up her act. Ron and Angie are really nice and they will always be considered family in my book even if Ron does talk a lot. Now big sister. Our relationship had slowly gotten better over the course of the year but what really helped was going to New Jersey. I do feel bad about it though. My going was not because I wanted to see her. Me going was my **** it plan to try and get out of the rut that I was in. My thoughts were that it didn't matter if it made our relationship worse because at that point I was going to cut all contact with her anyways. That trip ended up saving our relationship. Even though hamilton and cham don't like her she means the world to me and I will always have a great amount of respect for her. I haven't heard from grandma in years but that's okay. I dought she will ever be in my life again or anyone on my cousin's side of the family. Now for step-siblings, I guess. I haven't had contact with Noah in several years at this point. Bethany reaches out from time to time but it's like once every year or so. as for Rupert, I tend to only reach out to him once every 5+ years. With that aside, it is quite sad that I don't have the same relationship with Bethany anymore. She used to be my sister when Amber failed. She helped raised me while I was still living with Rupert. Hopefully, you'll get close to her again. As for me finding out who my dad actually is probably won't happen for some time. I don't think it is all that fair to reach out to some random dude who I just so happen to be the child of and demand a relationship from him. Besides I'm content with the way things are now in my life. 5. Me. We need/needed a lot of work. Have your boundaries-making/ telling skills improved? Do you still have a ton of trouble with social cues? Did you get the burnt out depression again? If you did, did someone help you through it like Martin did last time? Has our no filter gotten better? What about our anxiety? Did we stick to our goal of reading 13 books this year? What about the goal to finish the Tails of the Wild game? Or cursive? Or cooking every month? Or doing your skincare routine both daily and nightly? Have you gotten healthier? Have you stopped scratching your skin? I have learned over the past couple of days that my lack of setting boundaries and lack of social cues can really harm other people. It is something that I am actively trying to change right now at the moment. With that said I have now learned that hurting people is way easier than being hurt yourself. I don't have any empathy for people or the ones that I hurt. I can't feel his feelings so it was easier than it should have been to get over even though I hurt someone very close to me and probably will never talk to them or the other friends I had made again. Well, at least not as friends. Which also doesn't pain me too much since I haven't really formed an emotional attachment to them. Due to Carlie and Maria leaving, I keep everyone at arm's length and that does seem to be working. However, I am my mother's daughter and my grandmother's grandchild so I am a very prideful person and I find no pride in being a terrible human. Terrible people who have done what I did are, in my book below trash. If I'm going to be a trashy human being then I'm better off dead. I find it better to die as a good person than to live as a monster. I will not be the monster they thought me to be all those years ago. I think I might get into the end-of-year depression slump. Although with me on medication and getting a therapist, it might not happen. Well, at least I hope we still have all those things. Then we have our goals. They are nothing too terribly big but they are things I would like to accomplish over the course of this year so hopefully, you've done them! Now onto the fun-ish questions: 1. how would you rate the year 1-10? 2. what was the worst thing that happened to you this year? 3. What was the best compliment you received? 4. What do you want to change next year? 5. do you think you from a year ago would be proud of what you've accomplished this year? 6. What is something you feel you wasted time on this year and should do less of in the new year? 7. What is the best thing that happened? 8. name something that happened this year that you will never forget 9. What did you struggle with this year? 10. what was your favorite song you listened to this year? 11. who made this year worth it? 12. how many new friends did you make this year? 13. How would you describe this year with a single word? 14. In what way do you think you are doing better than last year? 15. was this year better or worse than you expected? 16. Who is your closest friend? 17. what was your favorite movie you saw this year? 18. if this year was a book, what would the title be? 19. Name one thing you are most proud of this year. 20. What is one thing you regret not doing this year? 21. what do you want to accomplish next year? 22. what was your favorite day of the year? 23. favorite person, you met this year? 24. Take a look back at the goals you set for this year. How well have you accomplished them? 25. did you start any new habits this year? 26. What advice would you give your last-year self? 27. how kind were you to yourself? 28. What did you let go of? 29. What song(s) described your year? My answers for the year 2021: 1. 6/10 2. Last school year and realizing that I just couldn't do it. Also Lyndsey 3. You looked so hot in that suit *hand-to-face thing then squealed* 4. Not being motivated 5. Yes. 6. Overthinking 7. School starting back up again 8. The feeling of being alone 9. School and motivation 10. Runaway 11. Honestly don't know 12. A ton but only 4 that are close to me now 13. Ever-changing 14. I'm more open. I don't hide who I am or mold to whatever group I'm in 15. Better. Honestly ironic, school at the beginning of the year was the main thing that was terrible for me but my relationship with Lyndsey kinda made it better. Now it's the opposite. 16. Madison 17. Perfect blue 18. Ironic isn't it 19. My grades and my koi fish drawing 20. taking some risks 21. Figuring out who I am, school, and emotions 22. 6/22 23. Honestly all the people in my friend group and hamilton 24. Nope, although the only one I remember is losing weight 25. Yes. 26. Be you, stop hiding from the world 27. I wasn't kind enough 28. An important relationship 29. Change by NF, It's not so bad by grailz beni and So done by Alicia Keys featuring Khalid My answers for the year 2022: 8.5/10 The absence of Carlie and Maria you look happier now (although it is a bit sad) Lack of social cues, lack of boundaries, and motivation Yes, I worked hard and I got to a point where I am content with the things I'm not and the things I can not do; which is a big improvement Stressing over things I can not control going to New Jersey Lyndsey saying that I looked happier now managing my emotions life goes on- bts All of my close friends I don't know but I only have a handful that I am close to paradoxical/free not letting small things get to me and overthinking better madison Tokyo God Father can we start over before you're gone? trying new things going out with my friends more bettering myself and keeping a consistent state of improvement 7/16 Ashleigh One of the goals that I set for myself this year was to read 12 books and I accomplished that. As for the other ones... i don't even remember what they were so I probably gave up in the first week. crocheting and picking/ pealing my skin off let it go. what has happened has happened and there is nothing you can do to change it. I was kind for the most part but very cruel at times my closest friends Life Goes On- BTS, Thank You- Dido, and I Miss The Days- NF Now the values that you wanted me to do last year. The directions were to put 16 pieces of paper into 4 rows of 4. These are separated into 4 categories: people, objects, memories, and places. Now once you have that take away 8, then another 3, and choose one out of the remaining 5 to be your core value. I do also want you to do them again when you receive this letter. (X)= the first 8 and (x)= the next 3 People: Amber Madison Angie(x) Hamilton(x) Objects: My pinky ring Grandpa's coins(X) My dog tag(x) My Florance and The Machine coffee mug(X) Places: My room(X) Books A Million coffee shop(X) The place of grandfather's tree(X) Chams room(X) Memories: The first time I got straight A's The memories I shared with Carlie and Maria The time Lyndsey said I looked happier(X) The last time I saw my grandpa alive(X) Final result: My pinky ring- Symbolizes what I have been through to get to where I am and a constant state of growth. It also shows the bond between me and my sister. Madison- My life would kinda fall apart without her. She has been my rock and my main form of support The first time I got straight A's- It started me down a whole different path of constantly being worried about my grades but it was also the point at which I proved to myself that I could do anything. Amber- she isn't only someone I look up to but she is someone I can now say I can truly care about. Even though she is mean and overbearing at times than meanness isn't unreasonable. The memories I shared with Carlie and Maria- they will always be people that I care about even though I don't talk to them. The memories that I had with them will always be something that I can look back on with fondness and gratitude. I can say with full certainty that sophomore was the best year of my life (so far) thanks to those two. I want you to read this and think back on the past year. Look at how far you've come and accomplished. You should be proud. Think to yourself are you truly happy with yourself and the way things are now? If not, find what is wrong and change it yourself. I believe in you and so do other people. Believe in the version of you that everyone else believes in because you are that person. If you are going through something it will pass sooner or later. pick your chin up and keep on moving. Please take care of yourself, and know that you are loved. Good Bye. Sincerely, you from the past