A letter from November 5th, 2022

Dear FutureMe, I hope that a year from now you will still remember these words. I assume that because you like to check back in Docs at least every two months, you won’t forget them. But I’d like to let you know that this is what resonates with me right now. This is what I’ve been feeling in my sixteenth year. Here they are. I think I included it because in a year you will be halfway through 17 and, so I’m told, that is a time of uncertainty, anxiety. Also confusion, you might not know where you’re going yet. I don’t know right now. And I wanted to just say that it’s okay. And whatever you will do or not do will end up being okay for you. You will be fine so stop getting stressed about jobs, cars, universities and pleasing everyone because you don’t have to. Who matters is you because honestly the only person who will ever constantly be there is you. I only hope that you will be more socially skilled, articulate, interesting, and skinny when you read this next. Maybe closer to living in New York City. I also hope you started the film club. Now I’ll shut up, this is supposed to be personal but not personal personal..general personal, y’know? Okay well just repeat this to yourself. My life does not have to have purpose. I am not allowed to feel guilty when I don’t feel fulfillment in what I’m doing. I’m allowed to just live, that’s why I’m here. I was put here by some divine force to be me, and love me, and exist here. I’m encouraged to do things with my life that make me happy, that fulfill me, and that give me a sense of purpose. But I must, sometimes, remind myself that a sense of purpose is not a real purpose. I must remind myself that my real, full purpose is to just be. I’m encouraged to make decisions that better me, or that I feel might better people that I really care about. But mostly with the focus on me. I’m encouraged to take as many chances as I can. Because, at the end of the day, these chances will prove to be experiences I will remember for the rest of my life. That is, until my mind and memory erode. C’est quoi que ce soit en temps réel. J’en fiche. I’m encouraged to smile, to laugh. To cry, to wail, and to be angry. If I do have any real purpose on this earth, it’s to feel the feelings I’ve been let. Then to not be ashamed by them but rather to even try and spark them. All of them. It happens to all make up what it’s like to exist as a sentient organism. A twig of that tree of my purpose is to then not be ashamed of the guilt, the smallness, the despair, and the silent rage that I’ll feel through my life, and then every day. Not conquer it, but refuse to be ashamed by it. Accept that it’s there. One might believe that the eternal purpose is to search painless conventional bliss. That is the supposed mission. But I disagree. With just 16 years on this planet, and especially recently, I have felt so much which isn’t happiness. I have realized that feeling these things is natural and, collectively, all contributes to how I feel about myself and how I must be able to perceive everything. It defines me as a separate organism on this planet. As a separate human. Feelings are the lenses through which we experience our lives, they are the perspectives that alter it, and they are the conductors of the electricity that leads us to connect with each other which, now that I realize it, is such a special thing. Like Celine says in Before Sunrise, “If there’s any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something…the answer must be in the attempt.” Bad feelings aren’t always bad, and you don’t always need a purpose. Lots of love and hope you’re okay. R.