A letter from July 5th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I'm sending this to five year older me. Five years seem like a short period of time but I hope a lot has changed. Did you finish school the way you wanted, did you have to take another year because your grades weren't good enough? Or did the teachers understand why you were struggling and did they finally help you instead of blaming you for not being good at making tests? I hope you took a gap year and went travelling because 16 year old you is so excited for the freedom I'll finally feel. Did you start the study at the university you wanted to. Will you finish it and find a job with which you can make teenagers better. I really hope you did because I want to help people in not feeling the way I do now. Living a teenage life is supposed to be amazing so why am I not experiencing it. Why does my mental state change from being happy to wanting to end it all. Every time I'm out with friends I experience the most amazing things and as soon as I'm home I'm thinking about how those nights would be a great end to this life. I finally found people who want to help me and I'm no longer afraid to talk about my feelings. I however am still afraid to love people and to let people love me. I keep thinking about how things can fall apart instead of enjoying the moments. The friend group I am in now does make me feel appreciated and deep down I know they love me as much as I love them, and they're not afraid to tell everyone how grateful they are for this friend group. We're going on a vacation together after one or two months of knowing each other, and they feel like my family! I just got a text from a friend telling me she loves me and that everything will work out in the end. I am learning to love me, to love you. There are still so many insecurities and sometimes it feels like too much, but it gets better with time, I know it will. In the past I never felt appreciated or pretty, and thanks to my friends I now do! I am however abusing you, and I'm sorry. I am no longer using drugs or alcohol to feel better but I am using them to improve some nights, to experience feelings and see things that I can't experience or see sober. I don't know if older me regrets it, but if you do, I am very sorry. I am enjoying it at this age! I am going to bed, because I have to study tomorrow. Three more days and then school is done for 7 weeks and I can enjoy my vacation. I hope your life is great, I hope you still have amazing friends and I hope you are also happy when you're on your own. I hope you no longer think about the desire to not exist, and I hope you enjoy life so much you never want it to end. Love you (sometimes) Xoxo You.