A letter from June 30th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I am sitting here right now when I am supposed to be sleeping. It is cold and brownie is next to me although he rarely sleeps with me. I graduated today and everyone says this moment is bittersweet, it is only bitter for me. Not bitter because I am going to miss school, although that is part of it. I loved the last two years I had spent at school, and I know I didn't mean as much to people as they did to me, but memories at school will forever be etched into my heart. COVID is taking over the world right now, although things have eased a bit in the past month. I do not think I will be able to move away. I am going to have to stay in Dubai. I am going to have to stay with overbearing parents and deal with the person I have grown up to be until I am allowed to detach from it all and create a new me. I hate myself today. I sat in the shower for hours crying and hitting myself. I do not believe that I am capable of doing well at college, although not going is not an option because anything would be better than being away from home, even if it is for a couple of hours. I was watching Netflix, but I couldn't shake the feeling of loneliness and wanted to talk to someone. Nobody replied so here I am talking to myself. You. I cannot stop thinking about how my graduation speech was absolutely ******** in front of the others. how can I be a literature/creative writing major when they all managed to write something better than me? Not just that my video was out of sync and Rid laughed at a part of my speech.. it was not even funny. I am sending this letter to you five years from now, hoping that you are reading this with a smile on your face, thinking back to this moment, and realizing how wrong I had been about my future. I hope that is what you are doing. I hope you are happy, I know you haven't been for as long as you can remember. my emotions are chaos. I wish I could see you right now. I wish I could see that my future is not absolutely doomed so that I feel at least a little motivated to change my state of acute solemnity in the present. I feel like I need to be free, I feel like I would cry if I could just be somewhere other than here, under open skies, around people that I love. I have been wishing that for a few years now and I am nowhere close to achieving it. Please tell me that you have some friends. Real friends. I hope that you are writing well. I hope that you are independent. I hope that you have been in love at least once. I hope that you are under open skies. Love, You