A letter from June 30th, 2020

Hi there matey. hopefully you'll open this and it wont just go to spam or something, or that you still use this email address, I don't know why you wouldn't be, you've been using it for years and everything is on it. so its Axel from five years ago, youll probably think it hasn't even been that long, but I can assure you, it has. No doubt you are much wiser than I am, and you probably see in hindsight that many of the dilemas and stresses that I feel are trivial, as we both know, time gives perspective. For a relaxed person, you sure do worry a lot, which is odd, because it so isn't you, so I hope we get over that. Right now, its the day before the dry run for your project proposal for your honors, you feel prepped, but like you still don't know nearly enough - as always. you feel so unsure about what you want, and as a result youre trying to keep your options open, and that includes your relationship. you love her so much, shes such a good person, and you couldn't bear to break her heart, despite the weird feelings your gut is giving you. it may just be your undoing. you know, we always think that we age and become someone different but at the end of the day we stay the same on the inside, we just grow. I was just thinking of advice I can give, but then again, what do I know, Ive made peace with not knowing. I hope that an ability to accept doesn't stifle your growth Axel. try and keep pushing, for both of us, for all those who believe in us. As for the **** ups you'll do, I forgive you. we always do what we think is best, and life is messy and we all make mistakes, big and small. Remember the lines that we think separate things are not there, all things are connected and life goes on, its ok. In the event that you're not alive to read this, it's ok. whether deliberate or accidental its ok, its your life matey, if you wanna tap out that's on you and it fine, we've had a good life (at least until this point, you'll have to update me on the rest). just don't upset mum whatever you do, if you die imagine what she'll do. I want to say that I hope you're happy, but at the end of the day, happiness is like an orgasm, it goes away, so at the very least I hope you're balanced. keep friends around you, they mean a lot to you. "No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should"- you're gonna be ok matey. keep well Axel. 23 year old you, at 23.10, 30 june 2020