A letter from May 16th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I'm not quite sure how to begin this letter. It's definitely a weird concept but I hope you appreciate this. It's now May 16th, 2020, at 12:43 am. Todays Nicks birthday... I wonder if you're friends with Nick now. Right now you're currently dating Richard. Part of me hopes we've settled down and gotten married, part of me hopes that we aren't together anymore. My feelings toward Rich right now are complicated. We've been together for so long that the idea of not being with him is scary, and I wonder what people would think if we broke up. But I wonder if being together is really whats best for both of us. Everyone tells me about what a great guy he is, and I really do see that part of him, but theres so much more people don't see... I made a pros and cons list about dating him, which is incredibly complicated, and sometimes I wish our relationship was simply defined by a list of good and bad, but the mixture of them makes it so much harder to make a decision. I wonder if I'll look back on this letter and think about how stupid I was to consider this or how I was right to want to break up with him. Moving on to other things, you just moved into colleens house this past weekend. They have their puppy Maximus, and you have your kitty Sullivan. They get along pretty well so far, but I hope you remember how patient sully has been with him. I wonder how your relationship with colleen will be when you read this. We're really close right now, we talk about basically everything. She loves having me here. Or so she says. Shane and Elyce are little guys still, Shane is turning 7 in two days, and Elyce is gonna be 10 in October. They're still the same awesome little kiddos that you love like your own. I wonder if they love me just as much when you're reading this as they do now. Colleen and Brian talk about how the kids are obsessed with you and I'm the 'cool' aunt. I don't want to let them down. I don't know why, but I want to cry as I write this. The future is a scary thing, and with everything thats happened within the past two years, Ive grown to fear it so much more then I thought I would. Carissa has been dead for 10 years, tomorrow being her anniversary. Mom will be dead 3 years this November. This past February dad got married again, that wedding was horrible. I wonder where you are in your relationship with dad now. Are you still speaking? Did he ever end up moving back to Ukraine with Denise? So many unanswered questions that I ask now, and all of them you'll have the answers to, but just not while I'm writing this. I hope that within the past 5 years that you ended up going back to school to get your nursing degree, and are looking to pursue getting your nurse practitioner degree. This is really important to me right now, and I wonder how you'll see it when you read this. Are my dreams and goals too lofty to actually obtain? Guess I won't know till I actually try. You work for the Friendly Home right now, and in the middle of this pandemic you're considered a 'hero'. I don't think I am, but I don't think anyone really cares about what you think. You work with a nurse named Denise, who's really sweet. especially considering the history I've had with people of that name. Her real name is Arnelia. I consider her a really cool mom figure in my life. She's taught me so much, and I hope I can keep learning from her. I'm a CNA right now, I make pretty good money for someone who doesn't have a good formal education. I hope that I continue to do so as the years go on. Right now, I'm struggling a ton with my mental health. I hope you remember what happened this past November and never do that again. And if you do try to, that you actually succeed instead of letting yourself get caught. I've already decided that if I'm going to try to end it again, it will be with no hesitation or question. I never want to end up where I was. It was awful. But lets not dwell on that too much. You have so much to live for... at least thats what everyone tells me. I hope they're right. Remember the you tried going to NYC in the middle of this pandemic? I want to run somewhere so bad where no one knows me and I can get a fresh start with who I am, and not what other perceive me to be. but it was a real harsh awakening when I discovered no one actually wanted me. It is what it is, nothing you aren't used to in life. I feel like I don't know what else to write, but theres so much I want you to remember about this time in your life. For some reason, I think its important. I'm reading the book series The Cosmere. It's one of my favorites so far. It's very interesting. a whole ton of working parts. I hope you kept all the books from the series. Who knows, maybe after reading this letter, you'll get the itch to reread it. I should probably sum up this letter as it is now getting quite lengthy. Doubt you'll have the motivation to read the whole thing. It is now 1:23 am, I'm listening to a song called 6/10 by Dodie. It's a good song, though somewhat sad, it really portrays what you actually feel at the moment. Sully is curled up and sleeping by my feet. He's the cutest. I hope you have found yourself by now. I hope you've found out how to really love yourself, despite my faults. I hope you don't struggle with my anxiety and depression. I hope you've found a lasting peace with who you are and your place in this world. I hope you've found the purpose for your life. I hope you still like peanut butter and abhor chocolate. I hope you still love to read and learn new things. I hope you still love listening to music every waking moment of the day. I hope you find how to build a life that you can actually live without hating yourself. I hope you have found how to be confident and unafraid of who you are. I hope you've found out how to stop feeling like you're crawling out of your own skin. I hope you've discovered how to love and care for your body, mind, and soul like you really need to. I hope you keep love the people who really matter, and leave those who don't behind. I hope you've figured out how to live your life to make yourself happy, and not just other people. I hope you have continued to serve others, and defend those who cannot defend themselves. Among my last phrases of parting, I give you this quote- "As I fear not a child with a weapon with a weapon he cannot lift, I will never fear a man who does not think.' Don't be afraid of yourself, of your potential, of your gifts. Don't let peoples opinions affect you so much. The one person that will always have to live with your choices at the end of the day is you. No regrets. No ***** given. Love you. Your Past Self.