A letter from May 15th, 2020

Time Travelled — almost 3 years

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It's been 2 months since we went into lockdown. The world outside is empty. Tumbleweeds blow through Time Square. The Sidney opera house is silent. The Mona Lisa has to make do with small snippets of attention from a passing security guard who, frankly, isn't convinced she's all that. The only places still bustling are Intensive Care Units. We still don't know when it's all going to end, and my anxiety is mounting. I'm almost paralysed by it. It's impossible to know how much of my fear is altruistic... a kind of existential pain for a world that's suffering. The truth is, I think, that most of my anxiety is shallow, selfish. I'm upset I can't hug my mum, that she's in another country and it could be months, even a year, before I get to see her again. I'm worried that I'm too stupid or lazy to complete my dissertation. My Masters degree hangs in the balance. Complexities surrounding placements and Coronavirus mean that it could be another year before I'm qualified, and this uncertainty panics me. Beneath that is a fear that I'm not sure I even want to be qualified, and that beginning a career in the health service currently feels wholly overwhelming. In a way, the millions of ill and dead and destitute and abused show the folly of my petty worries. My privilege, my luck, to be young and healthy and pursuing a post graduate degree. But the fear still remains, a panic that my body can't forget no matter what my mind tries. I try to forgive myself, because I am unwell. Mental illness is a part of my story. Fear, dread, depression. Sometimes I find myself unable to move. Sometimes it turns into pain, nausea, fever, like my mind is overflowing and poisoning my body. But I meditate, and I breath through it, and I try to live a life that makes sense, that isn't about staying safe. I'm in love too. He squeezes me tight when it all gets to much. He moors me to the surface of the earth so I don't float away. He's something physical to touch. Something beyond the anxious uncertainty of social media with its unread messages and ambiguous emojis. I'm 24 next week. There's something to that. There's something powerful about knowing that time is still passing even as we're all standing still. I enjoy my birthdays. I'll drink champagne, and eat cake. I'll open gifts. I celebrate being as loved as I am. Being young, and beautiful, and being in love with a handsome man who fully embraces even my defects. I won't ask you any questions, future me, even though I have many. I'm sure I know all that I need to. I hope that you still meditate. I hope you are still in love. I hope you are filled with gratitude when you hug your mum. I suppose I am writing to remind myself that there is a future. Now, more than ever, glib remarks about apocalypse and the inevitability of ***** have become commonplace. It feels as if this virus has turned us all into Nihilists. But I believe in survival, kindness, and the human spirit. And I believe in you. Best Wishes, future you. xx

Epilogue

2 days later

Dear Past Me,

Thank you for your letter. The notification flashed up while I was on a treadmill at the gym. I felt shocked for a moment. It was like...

Mseeono ecno but yrbeal dihcooldh ypedle edlvo errebemm mrof anc you a ri,fdne now eginarh. Slse tbu e,m oyu efw a t,ilhreg cxeseeirenp nneo eht ubt me ear. .
.
Dggrdea nolg soaepcalpy yuo awnt hwo etll eht i no to 'ondt for. I i fi ld'wtuon dulco, heop nwta i o'ultn,dw elos neve eucebas oyu to. Htat you ear adn tbu wtna i wlduo to rof ti bttree you v,eivdusr wonk uyo. Uoy wtan i taht konw uyo ot ear phapy wdolu. .
.
6 onyl leat egrede ihsfnied sewek oryu ouy. 'tswan yesa it. In isnogl teeltr ltesub ouy midn fo your eicgsroen teh begningisn uryo i. Ogt tog eetbtr wrose ti it freoeb. Raylbe sdeneroigc in oirrmr ,hiwel uyo a rfo het esruyfol. .
.
When reew uyro iwtginr ouyr ierdlna be htwi epsrant ovmde to akcb arsdtenoitsi to you ouy. Waya form darh ot ti saw ,tbu ydfbirneo rof eb rogethet was hwlie, a errhad ti be to uory. Rnrgessat aysd teoyplclme ot hetro gnirdu eyvah abceem so nad taht rleesousv nxaiyet ew our mndis htoes okncwodl ecah dodsheru ot. .
.
Ck,ba hte ev'ew eenb ofdun htan ghhtruo tnrosrge hdar is,tme we ruo wya reve. Ni 0202, he erosppod cebdrmee. Yinrvesrana nxet mhton rea one yuo uroy ayre iwfe elincabgtre sih as. Si airmaerg. . . Llwe. . . Of i ouy ospisbyl otguhh e,fiw ond't ojy dlocu uoy wonk trdie his eotnf eht i nmaigei have liady gnieb inthk. Ton teh fo tem evne uroy fwudlnero uyo plpeeo engidwd at ynma eahv so. Oen eb owh uyo er,het wn'sat nose,rp asylaw hohtugt owldu. Nvdieit esh let lmtyleocpe turh tswan' ahtt you nvee dna so ouy wndo hse. A aerrtsng si ot ehs uoy onw. .
.
And rtti,eshpa an iapacltuoonc ouy aer a neo dgoo. Ruoy uoy vloe obj. Phriacticys lptihaso samks tpos been in ,wkee ot a haev astff het neraiwg uyo laldeow ad,n lfinayl wkro shti. Sha ti lrn,moa rwlod ecyltax will ndreuetr ti be ot foeber het how ohghtu nearyl renev saw. .
.
Rea enekdwe oyu 27 this. )!( lpodan uyo gtikna is to oyur sbunahd ebcertela to. Aer eilk ereehrvw eefr you ot you artevl. Og ewek eht uoy laos myg esfirdn a yuo to tiwh c,pma you c,yecl ctewi td,tameei yuo ubt oyur tslli. Hivgenryte yuo aigan, up ot eth ahs dna ot os rolwd sah eorff pnoe ti ndoepe rae. A epidnacm you btu eht a ookt l,to lto vgae oto it. Efil vole kmesa is yuo eetfad owheihtwrl atht ouy, ti dan is nnocat ohwsed oyur afer file tho,sr vgnyirehte. .
.
,oelv olts of.
.
You, ruetfu.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please


tamekagriffiths1995:

over 2 years ago

💕💕💕

cerna.bara:

over 2 years ago

I teared up reading your letter <3

It feels like a whole different life ago.

I hope you are doing amazing wherever you are - and whoever you are and is reading this.

We made it through <3

5w6h7vjtym:

over 2 years ago

This is the most emotional I’ve ever felt. You described perfectly how I was feeling when the world went silent.

mucadream:

over 2 years ago

Thank you for sharing. Thank you for updating. You’re a very good writer and I’m so happy things worked out well for you.

emarchuk477:

over 2 years ago

I have two words for this... Emotional, Inspiring.

Thank you for inspiring me.

www.namayranuba:

over 2 years ago

We did it luv! We made it! Hope you're happy. Thank you for holding on. I'm proud of you <"3

ayafk37:

over 2 years ago

I hope you graduated girl <3

biaroscoe:

over 2 years ago

loved that ✨ It translates many feelings all of us had been through

kate.johnston-zemek:

over 2 years ago

I have almost forgotten what lockdown felt like... It was so long ago!

cr106452:

over 2 years ago

thank you for sharing this, I honestly cried after reading, lock down was something that damaged us all... but we made it! we are all blessed to be alive aren't we! (ɔ◔‿◔)ɔ ♥

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