A letter from May 15th, 2020

Time Travelled — almost 3 years

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It's been 2 months since we went into lockdown. The world outside is empty. Tumbleweeds blow through Time Square. The Sidney opera house is silent. The Mona Lisa has to make do with small snippets of attention from a passing security guard who, frankly, isn't convinced she's all that. The only places still bustling are Intensive Care Units. We still don't know when it's all going to end, and my anxiety is mounting. I'm almost paralysed by it. It's impossible to know how much of my fear is altruistic... a kind of existential pain for a world that's suffering. The truth is, I think, that most of my anxiety is shallow, selfish. I'm upset I can't hug my mum, that she's in another country and it could be months, even a year, before I get to see her again. I'm worried that I'm too stupid or lazy to complete my dissertation. My Masters degree hangs in the balance. Complexities surrounding placements and Coronavirus mean that it could be another year before I'm qualified, and this uncertainty panics me. Beneath that is a fear that I'm not sure I even want to be qualified, and that beginning a career in the health service currently feels wholly overwhelming. In a way, the millions of ill and dead and destitute and abused show the folly of my petty worries. My privilege, my luck, to be young and healthy and pursuing a post graduate degree. But the fear still remains, a panic that my body can't forget no matter what my mind tries. I try to forgive myself, because I am unwell. Mental illness is a part of my story. Fear, dread, depression. Sometimes I find myself unable to move. Sometimes it turns into pain, nausea, fever, like my mind is overflowing and poisoning my body. But I meditate, and I breath through it, and I try to live a life that makes sense, that isn't about staying safe. I'm in love too. He squeezes me tight when it all gets to much. He moors me to the surface of the earth so I don't float away. He's something physical to touch. Something beyond the anxious uncertainty of social media with its unread messages and ambiguous emojis. I'm 24 next week. There's something to that. There's something powerful about knowing that time is still passing even as we're all standing still. I enjoy my birthdays. I'll drink champagne, and eat cake. I'll open gifts. I celebrate being as loved as I am. Being young, and beautiful, and being in love with a handsome man who fully embraces even my defects. I won't ask you any questions, future me, even though I have many. I'm sure I know all that I need to. I hope that you still meditate. I hope you are still in love. I hope you are filled with gratitude when you hug your mum. I suppose I am writing to remind myself that there is a future. Now, more than ever, glib remarks about apocalypse and the inevitability of ***** have become commonplace. It feels as if this virus has turned us all into Nihilists. But I believe in survival, kindness, and the human spirit. And I believe in you. Best Wishes, future you. xx

Epilogue

2 days later

Dear Past Me,

Thank you for your letter. The notification flashed up while I was on a treadmill at the gym. I felt shocked for a moment. It was like...

Nwo ghianre nac enco mrfo a tub pldeey you rmmeerbe nf,irde elovd lcihhdood emoenso eylarb. ,em btu eth iercnepesxe em utb era oyu neno a ewf essl rl,ithge. .
.
Nglo lelt ot uoy no ofr tanw hte apecpsoyal dgdegar i n'odt how. Lunwo,d't acebseu if vnee eosl yuo i to hoep nawt i d,oclu wonlt'ud i. And nkow oyu ttha ti ear tbu etretb uoy to wuldo rof i vvdiseu,r oyu wnta. Phpya odluw kwon i tanw to you rae ouy tath. .
.
Leat edegre oruy esekw iednfhsi oynl 6 you. It wtsa'n ayse. Snggibinen yoru ruoy mnid uyo i slnoig bueslt ni oceigesrn rtetle het of. Ti rfeobe ti gto otg erttbe wseor. Eiwlh, uoy olyurfse in irdsoegenc alrybe eht rriorm a rfo. .
.
Irnwgti ot eb oyu uroy ewer kacb oemdv yoru ihwt nptsaer ot arsontsetidi iaerldn oyu wehn. It aredhr was be edrinfboy darh it eih,wl wsa be away rfo uyro a to to rehtoetg utb, fomr. Asyd we nad useelrovs heac tsrsgrena ellpmtecoy mabeec dedsuohr thseo to evyah os to indgur uro nidsm trheo xaiytne clkwdnoo atht. .
.
We sitm,e eth bk,ac ohhugrt nbee ntha eew'v sgnerrot oru ayw ofdun evre adhr. Oeprodps ni eeecrbdm 220,0 eh. Ifwe sa egetrnbaicl tnex uyo are eray ryuo tomnh ish aysinernrav one. Is ramieagr. . . Ewll. . . Gineb jyo yslposbi ughhto kwno fenot ldiay ouy drite 'dtno the f,eiw ahve oyu of i maeigin kinth lucod shi i. Amny emt eevn vahe uyor eht pleeop os dingwed at tno wlfudnoer oyu fo. Yuo eeht,r asw'tn aayslw be hhotutg wldou eon eo,psrn ohw. Nad hse you uthr htta dvteini wdon otplleeymc n'tswa seh uoy enve tle so. Si a uoy onw rnrsteag to hse. .
.
Rae na dan you lcciuoopaant oogd a neo tshrea,ipt. Uyo ryuo veol job. Eebn lalniyf a het siphalot avhe massk eiarwgn tpso tshi d,na rwko wkee, ot atsff ni aoelwld uoy hrapscyitci. Hwo enrev to be iwll ylarne it ti utohgh cxtylea eth has saw wrdlo nlaorm, foeebr erdnertu. .
.
You 72 era ewkende hits. Aigknt pdnalo ot aelrteceb (!) to udshbna ouy uryo si. Ielk eref wehrerve ear lravet to uoy ouy. Oyu to ouyr lsoa but ouy twhi edisfrn ymg a ,eyccl eekw eatmitd,e og iltsl het iwtce uyo ouy mp,ca. Eonp uoy rae ia,gan rwold so enryghveti ti has ferof ash pu to to the eendop adn. Teh yuo btu a evag tol, okto it a pademnci oto lot. Olev efil nad si efedat is natonc u,oy rthnveiyeg taht wodesh you efra ti ,sthro hwehtliorw aemks ifle oyru. .
.
Ove,l of olts.
.
Yuo, uturfe.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please


tamekagriffiths1995:

over 2 years ago

💕💕💕

cerna.bara:

over 2 years ago

I teared up reading your letter <3

It feels like a whole different life ago.

I hope you are doing amazing wherever you are - and whoever you are and is reading this.

We made it through <3

5w6h7vjtym:

over 2 years ago

This is the most emotional I’ve ever felt. You described perfectly how I was feeling when the world went silent.

mucadream:

over 2 years ago

Thank you for sharing. Thank you for updating. You’re a very good writer and I’m so happy things worked out well for you.

emarchuk477:

over 2 years ago

I have two words for this... Emotional, Inspiring.

Thank you for inspiring me.

www.namayranuba:

over 2 years ago

We did it luv! We made it! Hope you're happy. Thank you for holding on. I'm proud of you <"3

ayafk37:

over 2 years ago

I hope you graduated girl <3

biaroscoe:

over 2 years ago

loved that ✨ It translates many feelings all of us had been through

kate.johnston-zemek:

over 2 years ago

I have almost forgotten what lockdown felt like... It was so long ago!

cr106452:

over 2 years ago

thank you for sharing this, I honestly cried after reading, lock down was something that damaged us all... but we made it! we are all blessed to be alive aren't we! (ɔ◔‿◔)ɔ ♥

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