A letter from May 15th, 2020

Time Travelled — almost 3 years

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It's been 2 months since we went into lockdown. The world outside is empty. Tumbleweeds blow through Time Square. The Sidney opera house is silent. The Mona Lisa has to make do with small snippets of attention from a passing security guard who, frankly, isn't convinced she's all that. The only places still bustling are Intensive Care Units. We still don't know when it's all going to end, and my anxiety is mounting. I'm almost paralysed by it. It's impossible to know how much of my fear is altruistic... a kind of existential pain for a world that's suffering. The truth is, I think, that most of my anxiety is shallow, selfish. I'm upset I can't hug my mum, that she's in another country and it could be months, even a year, before I get to see her again. I'm worried that I'm too stupid or lazy to complete my dissertation. My Masters degree hangs in the balance. Complexities surrounding placements and Coronavirus mean that it could be another year before I'm qualified, and this uncertainty panics me. Beneath that is a fear that I'm not sure I even want to be qualified, and that beginning a career in the health service currently feels wholly overwhelming. In a way, the millions of ill and dead and destitute and abused show the folly of my petty worries. My privilege, my luck, to be young and healthy and pursuing a post graduate degree. But the fear still remains, a panic that my body can't forget no matter what my mind tries. I try to forgive myself, because I am unwell. Mental illness is a part of my story. Fear, dread, depression. Sometimes I find myself unable to move. Sometimes it turns into pain, nausea, fever, like my mind is overflowing and poisoning my body. But I meditate, and I breath through it, and I try to live a life that makes sense, that isn't about staying safe. I'm in love too. He squeezes me tight when it all gets to much. He moors me to the surface of the earth so I don't float away. He's something physical to touch. Something beyond the anxious uncertainty of social media with its unread messages and ambiguous emojis. I'm 24 next week. There's something to that. There's something powerful about knowing that time is still passing even as we're all standing still. I enjoy my birthdays. I'll drink champagne, and eat cake. I'll open gifts. I celebrate being as loved as I am. Being young, and beautiful, and being in love with a handsome man who fully embraces even my defects. I won't ask you any questions, future me, even though I have many. I'm sure I know all that I need to. I hope that you still meditate. I hope you are still in love. I hope you are filled with gratitude when you hug your mum. I suppose I am writing to remind myself that there is a future. Now, more than ever, glib remarks about apocalypse and the inevitability of ***** have become commonplace. It feels as if this virus has turned us all into Nihilists. But I believe in survival, kindness, and the human spirit. And I believe in you. Best Wishes, future you. xx

Epilogue

2 days later

Dear Past Me,

Thank you for your letter. The notification flashed up while I was on a treadmill at the gym. I felt shocked for a moment. It was like...

Nwo ouy rin,def cna cneo sneoemo elyepd dovel gheirna tub bmemrree a chdihlodo ormf rebaly. Htelgi,r eht utb esxpceinere btu oenn fwe me ,me uyo aer lses a. .
.
Tdno' llte ot hwo wnat i lgno egdrgad oyu saeaylppoc on the ofr. I 'ou,dltwn i i ot ceueasb hpeo sole awtn ldou'tnw yuo o,dcul fi eenv. Ear rof uowld oyu uyo to natw dan i nkow evdr,uvis thta erttbe ti yuo ubt. I nwok anwt ear phpya uyo oyu uwlod ot htta. .
.
Tale edereg weesk yonl 6 ouy siiehnfd uory. Ti ayse twnsa'. Ignsegbnni lretet siognl i in uyor fo teh lutesb yuo yuor gsoereicn ndmi. Otg ti rbfeeo wosre ti got etterb. Sulferyo orf elaybr teh yuo mrrroi ,wehil in igdenorsce a. .
.
Uroy rastenp idrlena eb wehn bakc to ouy dnirisoettas ot thiw dvmoe yuo rewe twiirng uyro. Aws tbu, adrreh eb ti eb form ot rdha rouy a it egheotrt was fro ot aawy ,hweil dnifberoy. Ot ysda ernsarsgt ourevsels our hsreudod pyetclomel ehsot msnid hcea hatt rtoeh so we wclkoodn bmaeec inudgr and yevha axienty to. .
.
Noudf way tanh s,etim ghthoru rou ahrd we tsrnegro reve enbe a,kcb wv'ee hte. Eh eeremcbd psrdoepo ni 220,0. Yuro etxn oen rntblicagee ouy erya sa sih ewfi rae ohtnm anirnaeysrv. Gmaraire is. . . Lewl. . . Rtedi eavh wnko yjo thugoh gebin eth o'tdn yidla tnikh sbsylpio i efton uyo i uoy amenigi doluc fo ish ,fiew. Ouyr mte epepol ta fo eth os veah otn evne wdiendg ymna you oulewdnrf. Who huohttg awalys ,rposen eb odwlu 'tsnwa yuo noe rehet,. Oyu dan rthu ouy htat hes ytemclpeol tle eenv ws'tan odnw hes videtni os. Seh oyu rtgasner to si onw a. .
.
Oogd na one ouy apuoltcioacn a rea nad itrt,ashep. Uyo ojb yruo vole. Wiraeng uyo ptalisho ,ewek nbee sopt ffats het lalweod msksa ,nda ni a tish fyanlil aehv iiptrhcacys to korw. Nrvee nrreuedt it eclxaty befeor asw hwo nrleya l,rmona hoguth olwdr ti be ash to hte llwi. .
.
Nekweed aer oyu 72 thsi. Ot ot (!) yuo blteacere tkagni ouyr nbhsadu paolnd is. Uoy ot erehwver you ear ielk trealv fere. Hte uoy weke fdensri oyu oyu ot ,camp eaim,tdet ouy ,ceycl ryou illts aosl go iwht ygm utb iwtec a. Enpo dan ti drlow ear uyo eht to deenpo igan,a pu os genyerthiv eofrf hsa sha ot. Ol,t a aevg lot okto ubt oto it uyo a eiamdpcn teh. Tnnaoc ,rsoth eilf etfeda maesk is uoy ,uoy sewdho ttha adn ryuo flei hiwrelwoth it is vloe frea ghvryneeti. .
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,vole lsto of.
.
Y,ou euutrf.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please


tamekagriffiths1995:

over 2 years ago

💕💕💕

cerna.bara:

over 2 years ago

I teared up reading your letter <3

It feels like a whole different life ago.

I hope you are doing amazing wherever you are - and whoever you are and is reading this.

We made it through <3

5w6h7vjtym:

over 2 years ago

This is the most emotional I’ve ever felt. You described perfectly how I was feeling when the world went silent.

mucadream:

over 2 years ago

Thank you for sharing. Thank you for updating. You’re a very good writer and I’m so happy things worked out well for you.

emarchuk477:

over 2 years ago

I have two words for this... Emotional, Inspiring.

Thank you for inspiring me.

www.namayranuba:

over 2 years ago

We did it luv! We made it! Hope you're happy. Thank you for holding on. I'm proud of you <"3

ayafk37:

over 2 years ago

I hope you graduated girl <3

biaroscoe:

over 2 years ago

loved that ✨ It translates many feelings all of us had been through

kate.johnston-zemek:

over 2 years ago

I have almost forgotten what lockdown felt like... It was so long ago!

cr106452:

over 2 years ago

thank you for sharing this, I honestly cried after reading, lock down was something that damaged us all... but we made it! we are all blessed to be alive aren't we! (ɔ◔‿◔)ɔ ♥

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