A letter from May 12th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Today is May 11th 2020. Otherwise known as the day after Mother’s Day. I went and saw aunt Tammy and her grave today. But that’s not what this letter is about. I’m broken. I’m lost. I am so confused. I’m so ******* confused. I want to give up. I want to collapse on the floor and let all of the Air from my lungs escape from my body with one final breath. And I want to lay there until I die because I’m so god**** tired. But I can’t. I can’t give up. I have to stay strong for everyone else. Like my sisters, eleanor, and Jessika. Nothing feels right, not right now at least. We’re on month four of corona. It’s become a daily routine to put in my AirPods and listen to sad music and cry until I don’t have the ability to cry anymore every night. I’m sad. I’m so so sad and let me tell you why. Out of all the boys I’ve talked to, who has stayed in my life the longest? I want my future self to answer that as well and see if it’s the same response. Now, future self? Who are you in love with or who you still in love with? My answer right now to both those questions is Brecket. Thank you to him now he taught me That with all men no matter what they say or no matter what they do they always leave. Anthony is my prime example of that. I wonder what he’s doing. Maybe you should call him. I wonder as well, do Kyleigh and I still talk?Are we still close? What about Heather? Blain? Samir? What happened with Garrett?I hope I still talk to these people. I hope I still talk to the people that I talk to right now when I’m gray and old. How’s Eleanor?Is she happy and healthy and giggly like she always is? Oh by the way I am 15 right now. I’m sure I’m like 20 reading this. What I do want to say to my future self is, I hope you’re happier. I hope you’re living a full and fun life. I don’t want you to be sad like you are right now I want you to be able to go out and explore everything, figure things out for yourself, learn lessons the hard way. I hope everything is going okay and I hope you’re loved. I still want to become an interior designer. I want to go to the university of Houston. I want to learn things. I want to learn things that nobody else in my family has been able to learn. I want to accomplish things, great things at that. I want to prove everybody wrong, especially on my dads side. I know people say that I could do it and I know people say that I have the ability to do anything I want to, but sometimes I don’t feel like I do. Some days the people in my life make me feel like I’m a complete and utter idiot. But those are the days that I learn to push through and get through. Those are the days that teach me how to come up stronger and on top. There’s not a doubt in my mind that Ill do great things. I just hope that I can do them and I can be happy doing them. But thank you, I want to say thank you, to younger me. The me right now, the 15 year old Chloe sitting in her room writing in her diary at 2 a.m. looking like a little crazy lady and telling herself that she can do it. I want to thank her for that though. I want her to know that I very much appreciate her for that and I want her to know that I’m definitely not crying right now. (that was definitely supposed to be sarcastic lol) Thank you, to Chloe for helping me. CHLOE ************* ELIZABETH WALKER!!! You’re gonna do great things baby girl.I just know it <3