A letter from April 19th, 2020

Dear Moss, A year before now, you are so so in love. Aiden has made you feel like no one has before. It is so good. Right now its a pandemic, so we cant see each other. Its hard being away from him. I miss kissing him, I miss holding him, I miss playing video games in his basement together, I miss being With Him. I miss everyone really. I havent seen anyone from tubby custard for so long, I feel lost without all them. We talk in the group chat every day, but its not the same. I miss going to shows, and taking pictures downtown, and taking the bus around the city all summer. I would **** to be at the park with my friends, talking and dicking around. Im supposed to be hanging out with my friends all the time, and going out, and experiencing the world, my life was supposed to be getting better. But its all on pause. I cant go anywhere or see anyone, or do much at all. It feels suffocating sometimes. But it will be over soon, and life can go back to normal, and I can get so many hugs from everyone. Does it end soon? Is everyone okay? How is life after all this? It cant possibly be the same. School isnt something I like thinking about. I worry, that I wont pass and it will ruin my plans. I wish I did well, and applied myself. It doesnt make me happy to fail. I know Im smart. I just always seem to be slipping and playing catch up. It hurts to feel dumb. Sometimes I think about university, and how wonderful it would be to go get a degree, a PhD even, in something smart like psychology, or go into theatre or art school. I want to study and learn and I feel so incapable. Highschool ******* failed me. I want to learn so bad, but they just beat it out of me. I feel so so dumb now, and I dont feel like I could ever do a degree, or much at all, and now that school is online, and theres no musical or grad, I feel like its a lost cause. Did you make it? Or if you didnt, what did you do after? **** Im emo now. My life is so uneventful. Its been so unfulfilling, and i just want it to stop feeling that way. I want to do something with my life, and for 4 years ive done nothing. I want to like my life, to feel so full and bright, i want to be happy, i want to be content, i want to have ambitions and go acheive them. It hurts, to look at all the wasted time, to feel like i did nothing well enough for 4 years. I feel like nothing. Please tell me it gets better. I wonder how things end up for me. Are you and Aiden still together? Married even??? Thats what I think will happen, I cant imagine it being anyone else. I can I guess, but I have such a strong feeling that its him. And if its not, I hope we're okay. He has been with me in the most important time of my life rn. I love him. Did u get your license finally, after classes were cancelled because of the virus? What about mum? Did she ever apologize? I doubt it. I want to prove her wrong, I want to show her that I am more than she thought I could be, I want her to wish she helped me be more sooner. I want to do so much and live the life I want despite what she thought of me. I wonder if youre a virgin, probably not, I wonder who it was with. Aiden. I can guarantee it. I hope its a good first time, with him it will be. I hope you arent afraid of making mistakes and looking dumb. Or ugly. Its been my biggest fear for so long and its held me back and I have so many regrets. Just learn to be silly, and tell jokes without being sure, and make gross faces around people, and not feel like i have to look perfect 24/7. I just want to heal, to grow, to finally get to live my life and stop being scared all the time and just ******* do things. I want to figure out who i am who who i wanna be, I want something to finally be clear. Are you still trans? just making sure, idk for sure. Are you a musician? I hope to you are. And artist too, that would be amazing. Do you have a house? Have you travelled? TATTOOS! You definitely have some, maybe less than i think. maybe more. What concerts have you seen now? How about shows? I wanna see PUP again, and a ton more bands. I wanna make that a big part of my life. Is tubby custard still together? I hope you are. Theyre family. I hope life gets better. I really do. I hope youre finally happy. It took you long enough.