A letter from April 9th, 2020

**** this **** I'm out. I am driving myself utterly insane. Eight days until my 27th birthday and I only have extreme anxiety and heart-ache and resentment to my name. I am certain Renato no longer truly cares for me and my happiness with him, and that he has secretly given up on salvaging the beautiful love that we had. Or at least, that's what I'm trying to prevent my brain and heart from instantly resorting too but everytime my thoughts escalate and I downward spiral into misery over the whole thing! 😭 I believe he intends to cheat on my with Kathy (or anyone to be frank since he hasn't deleted his tinder and changed his phone passcode and still keeps in close contact with his "soul mate" ex in Brazil). I've just had a bad gut feeling about him ever since he revealed to me he was/is a serial cheater, and not only did he never feel shame or remorse for cheating, he said he felt PROUD and loved satisfying multiple women while having of main girl. He said it made him feel at his peak ********* and like a true man. 🤷 I had been going back and forth over this trivial matter since he also mentioned he had an attraction to his old co-worker Kathy at the time the worked together at Soy's. I never confirmed how Kathy feels as she is currently in the process of ending an abusive relationship herself.... buuuuut the fact Renato said he is "going out" tonight amidst the Covid-19 pandemic and having literally everywhere CLOSED, I sent messages to both of them, (one asking Kathy specifically if she is going to hang out with Renato tonight and one telling Renato I was hoping to further discuss the disagreement we had last night) and it's been over an hour with no response.... I just ******* drove all of the way to Draper past Suncrest to a beautiful look out to get ******* drunk as hell, eat some snacks and read a book.. not necessarily in that order. I have become too incredibly obsessive and jealous over something I cannot even confirm and may all be in my own head, and god forbid that lead to the detriment of ruining my relationship in the first place. Renato just doesn't realize we argue differently and HIS way is counter-productive to solve gosh darn anything... and he blows up over nothing lately. I tried really listening to him last night while he freaking lost his temper the moment I chimed in with my own feelings about the situation (HE suggested sleeping in the living room... his ******* idea) but I feel as though I lost my true voice with him, if I ever had it at all. My plans will have to change as I just found out this lookout doesn't allow for overnight parking. 🤦 I fully intended to just sleep wherever I parked tonight and go home just to feed my cats in the morning before heading out to another stressful shift at Starbucks that's wreaking havock on my mental state. 😥 I actually do want to NOT be considerate of Renato for once and just ignore him if he even asks about my wherabouts at all tonight, since he's repeatedly inconsiderate with me when I told him over and over how I love to keep in touch and sending a text shouldn't be that complicated when I worried about him, etc. I just hate being this way and ALWAYS assuming the worst with him these days. I know now that love we shared and intense passion we had for one another is gone... and it's all because Renato can't fully commit to someone in the first place... so really I feel like I've been led on and lied to from the very beginning. I will not be someone's accessory or toy. I will not accept anything less than 100% devotion and fidelity towards me. I deserve to be deliriously happy with someone who feels the same way about me. Yes. I need to get my *** to college. Yes I need to get en route towards achieving my pilot's license. OF COURSE I'd love to create more time for my hobbies and improving my skills like singing and voice acting and crafting... though until I can remove this enormous blockage of hurt feelings and distrust from my field of vision, it's just more complicated than usual to actually start on the right path. I'm just working hard and trying to pay the bills right now Luana. Remember, you have your cats. You don't NEED no man, but it sure is nice to have one. You have your Paragaurd IUD appointment on Monday 10:15am. 👌 Twelve years guaranteed no pregnancy? I'm in. Your body my hate you for it but hot **** it's worth it. ✌ Maybe in the end all we need is to have hot *** again (b/c I've been off birth control and he's ***-crazed) and we can just base our entire relationship off of that? Huh? 😅 Naw man, if we can't make it through two weeks of no ******* *** then that means we're not *really* gone make it, huh? He was the first person I was ever considering marriage with... The first person I let down all of my walls with and become completely and utterly vulnerable towards (and it bit me in my butt with revealing my misophonia). 🙃 Oh well Luana. You really gave it your all. Better learn from this quick and not drag it out until 5 years later or god forbid when you have children with the person. You will become stronger. You will become wiser. That's what all of this is right now; life's lessons presenting themselves exactly the way the need to for you to be able to listen and learn from. 🤙 Okay. Gonna find a place to properly booze it out now. Peace. Don't die before you're thirty. 🙏🌻