A letter from October 6th, 2019

Dear FutureMe, This is the third letter I'm writing today and I hope it's the most honest one? SO by now you are... 25? That's pretty wild. Mid twenties. The age of my current boyfriend, Anthony. If you're still together, that would have him 30. Dang. Lately I've been really having baby fever. Despite me being only 20yrs old. I mean I go shopping and imidiately (do I ever learn how to spell that word right) go to the baby clothes. I want a child so badly. I hope you do too at 25. Do you have a kid yet? Are you pregnant? It's fine if not. I mean Mom didn't have us until she was 38. I really hope we have a kid before then. Have you gone through/completed some kind of degree yet? How do you feel about TEFL? I want to do that so badly. I'm scared though. Anthony doesn't want to travel the world and that's all I want to do. I know that I shouldn't weigh my future on a guy I'm dating but if he's the one I end up with, can I live with myself if I don't travel? We are currently doing couples therapy by the way. We broke up, and then said 'we havent tried all the options, let's try this'. So now we are doing that. I hope it helps us. I love him very much. Sometimes I wonder though if we are that great of a pair... Currently loitering in a coffee shop by the way. I feel guilty. Do you still have anxiety? Do you still have depression? I'm assuming it's a life long thing, but how are you handling it? I'm doing much better than I was this time last year but not quite perfect yet. I don't know if I will ever be happy but I hope that I learn how to better manage my mental health. I can really suck at the self care stuff. Sometimes, even now, at my happiest, I think of ******* myself. That would crush my friends though. Crush my family too. Have you dealt with any more major deaths yet? How is grandma? I love her. I missed her birthday. In my defense, Dad didn't give me her phone number but I still dropped the ball there. She's depressed. I wish she'd seek help. She's pissing money away instead. And not on luxuries either. Pissing her money away because she's too sad and tired to keep living. She can walk, but chooses not to. So now she is in the hospital nursing home place (you know the one, past Miller) trying to learn to walk again, but as soon as she gets out, she's not going to stick with it. I wonder if she wants to die... I'm realizing that you might not even be alive to see these letters... That's kinda scary. I remember freshman year wanting to throw myself out infront of a car, walking home from school. That's how I was going to do it. Last night though, I was thinking about how cruel that would be. Like, I hit a dead dog a couple months ago and had a full on panic attack. I don't know how I personally could live with myself if I hit someone. I can imagine most people are the same. Right now, if I were to do it, I'd just swallow all my pills. And I wouldn't do it at home either. That would be too cruel to Ash and Vix. One of them would find me. And **** that would be ruiness. Sorry this letter is so long. Or maybe you like it? Anyways, hope all is going well Lydia. I love you so much. Sincerely, 20yr old You