A letter from September 10th, 2019

Dear FutureMe, It is Sep. 9th, 2019. In 7 days you will be 26. Right now, past you, me, is laying on the bed with a cat next to you. This year has been a selfish one. The cat laying next to you is intently licking itself. You guessed it: Tippy. This year you’ve only had a job for two months, and Austin has been mostly extremely supportive and patient. You quit your lame fundraising job because it was lame, and because you were ******** harassed, and when that fact became public knowledge, you were bullied. Kristian and one other girl believed you. The girl was a trans girl named Jax and she’d also been harassed by John, who demanded *** from her after insisting on staying the night. Later, Jax relapsed. I quit the job and we lost contact but I think after how charged everything was at the time, we just wanted to move on and forget it happened. When I found out from Jax, the story John had been telling people about why we stopped talking, I just couldn’t stand it. In hind sight, it wasn’t the first story I’d heard him tell that made a woman sound crazy and demanding and like a liar. This is why I just cannot trust men. They are so ashamed and scared of embarrassment that they have no accountability- they will **** you if it covers evidence of any fualt, rather than accept themselves and try to be better. Especially, do not ask for an apology. You will only get snide remarks and gaslighting if you’re honest about being uncomfortable. Do not trust men who are alcoholics. It ****** me up for a bit. The experience itself was somewhat scary (being followed home and then playing it off) and disrespectful, crossing lines (men don’t care if it’s what they want and they think you can give it to them) but what really ****** me up was after letting the boy know how it made you feel to be hunted, disrespected, and responsible for a drunk guy you wanted nothing to do with. How it felt to be told, “i know you want to” after being followed, after calling your boyfriend to meet you. scared. helpless. survival mode. But, what you say is “uncomfortable” and what he says is, “why do girls always think you’re flirting with them?” I KNOW! the audacity. what ****** me up is learning, 6 months after i stopped talking to this sad boy, that he was telling an elaborately peppered story about how we were having dinners and going in dates (I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!) when one time i demanded he pay for the meal, and got angry when he didn’t. so i stopped talking to him. wow. Right now, it’s 7 months since you quit tgat **** job. First, though, you went to management, opened a whole investigation into him, and eventually he quit. Or maybe he was asked to leave, I don’t know. I do know that by the end of it, only two people believed me and the rest “testified” on his behalf and thought I was lying to cover up for cheating on my boyfriend. All of this at the most liberal job fundraising for progressive groups and ideas. I’ve met better men who are conservatives, and if this year has taught me anything, it’s that politics and words are all ********. What matters most is what you do. Thankfully I have a sweet, handsome man at home that believed me (and also came to save me that night) and continues to financially support me while i get my anxiety and head back on straight. Lately, I am focusing on making art that I want to make. Making art for just my eyes and for the joy of becoming a better artist. it’s put a lot of the job back into the practicing part of art, and it’s made me feel so much more free than i have in recent years. I’m still not completely happy with it, but I am getting better at being less harsh about where i am at. And i am improving everyday- as an artist, as a person, a partner, a lover- I am so thankful. I don’t want to waste any kore time being sad, and I don’t want Austin to, either. I want to feel my feelings and let them pass, evolve, fill up all the holes that have been punched into me over these years on Earth. I am a whole person without validation. No more toxic friends. No more toxic men. No more toxic self-talk. I hope you’re good, and I have a feeling you are. I wonder about you, but please know that we’ve been in this together, and we’ll get out of this together. The faith i have now, in myself, has always been there. You’re going to be okay because I am going to be okay. Making sure of that now.