A letter from July 28th, 2019

Dear Future Me, Been planning to write here since the day I learned about this site but I waited so I could write on the same day of my 18th Birthday. Yes, Lyka. You're 18 when you wrote this. It's been 5 years now if you're reading this, how are you? Did you made it? Are you still the same you? Have you made a lot of changes? I have so many things to ask but I don't think I could write it all in here, maybe I'm gonna write again the next day. You know what, I've been planning to change my routine-- wanted to limit myself from using gadgets, from lying on my bed for hours, from being so lazy. Have you done it? I hope you did. It's all for you anyways. It's 11:50 pm already, I don't think I can finish this before 12. I've got a lot of things to write down here. But it doesn't matter, as long as you know that I wrote this on your 18th birthday. I want to keep asking how have you been since the last five years but I'm afraid that u'll just ignore this message because of that. Sorry for bothering you as of this moment, I hope you take your time to read this because I wrote this for you. Hi. So what am I gonna write now? There are so many things that piled up in my mind right now, such a pity I couldn't organize it well. I'm disappointed at my birthday, I never expected this day to be this unmemorable. I was sad the whole day, I spent my day watching Pretty Little Liars, skipping meals, and taking a bath late at night. I also received my first ever Taylor Swift merch ( a Me! T-Shirt). Nothing special really happened but still, I'm thankful to God that He gave me 18 years to live in this complicated world, I can't say that I'm wishing for more but I would be glad if He would give me more. Hey, I'm really hoping that you made it because as of these past few weeks I've been loosing so much hope that I would rather commit suicide than to continue my life. I am too afraid of what will happen if I fail my entrance examinations. I'm becoming more anxious. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been reflecting and that is all that I could do. Things just got piled up so suddenly, I'm feeling so helpless right now. I don't know how to motivate my self, I keep thinking about Papa who's at Jeddah right now, spending his time at the ocean just to provide us our financial needs. But it just doesn't work. What am I gonna do now? I want to cry thinking that you're actually reading this, reminiscing how lazy you were back then, if you aren't now. Could you imagine that? I bet you could. Are you still studying? What course did you take? Are you doing well? Did you chose the one you like? Are you happy now with your course? If you aren't then I'm deeply sorry, I'm the one to blame. I don't know what course to take in college! This is the other thing that's frustrating the hell out of me these days. I can't get any help from mama at ate. I want advices but no one could give me. I'm deeply sorry if I put you unto that place. I'm crying right now, do you remember? I don't know anything anymore. I felt like I'm becoming more stupid as I grow up. Maybe you're laughing at my grammar right now. Maybe you'll feel proud 'cause you improved a lot, or maybe not 'cause you're just the same you. I want to tell something about friendship. I hope you found a true friend, because I don't think I have one. Yes I have companions but it's just that. I don't think they'll keep in touch once we part our ways. They're just like my previous companions in my previous schools. I had a lot of them but no one kept in touch. I'm just that easy to forget. Are you thrifty? Are you saving money? Or investing? That's a good way to earn money and a huge risk also. I bet you know that already. I want you to earn! Please. I hope that you have earnings so that you could experience anything that I missed. Well, I missed a lot. Don't deprive yourself because you deserve that. I know. I know I deserve that. Let me cherish my rewards. Are you kind? Please be kind. Help other people that are in need. I've been wanting to do that but I still don't have anything to give. The elders, have you helped them? Are you helping them? The home for the agents that you want to build? You don't have that yet, do you? It's okay, you're still studying so it's okay. Kamusta sina mama at papa? Tsaka sina ate, gale, ej, at jm? Kasama mo ba sila? I hope you are with them, I want all of us to live in the same house. Are they still working? Mama at papa? How about ate? She's graduated already, right? I hope she is. Tell them you love them, for me, okay? Tell them how sorry you are for being so lazy back then. Sorry for being narrow minded and for refusing to understand our situation back then. Sorry for hating them silently. Sorry. I hope they're all fine. Please look after them. Treasure them as much as you could. They're the only one who could and would understand you. Love them. Do you have a house of your own? I mean, mama wanted this right? We all wanted a house of our own? Do you have now? Don't feel disappointed if you still haven't. You'll get it soon enough. If you already have, then I'm happy for you. Really happy. Are you feeling tired? It's okay, I know you've been through a lot. It's okay to rest sometimes. It's okay to stop for a second. Please take care of yourself, I don't want you to feel like this again. It's hard to keep up another day with such a joyous smile knowing that you're tired. Take care of yourself, I love you, always remember that. Do you have someone you hate right now? Please forgive them and make peace. The hatred you're feeling will only burden you. As much as possible, keep loving the people around you and avoid hating them. It is okay to get mad, that's normal but don't hate them. Forgiveness is like a feeling of fulfillment. What else should I write? Maybe I'll come back again tomorrow. I'm gonna try to keep you posted as much as I could. I love you & take care. Love, Your 18 years old self. 💗