A letter from June 10th, 2018

Dear FutureMe, 10/06/2018 6:24AM I feel so tired. Tired of everything. It feels like a dream, living right now, neither a bad dream, nor a good one. I just feel so unreal. I know I am failing at being good at anything. It hurts like hell to not be able to do good in anything others are doing good in. I feel inferior. What am I lacking? Determination for sure. I just don't feel like committing to anything, I have no interest in my responsibilities, the things I like to do are becoming boring day by day. There's nothing that can delay / distract me anymore. I am becoming vulnerable to myself, if that makes sense... To me it doesn't. I am not like this, I am not supposed to be like this. Yet I don't feel like doing something to change the way I am right now? To others, my struggle is a drama, my mental illness,my anxiety, me, everything is a drama that they are sick of. I went out to the balcony a while back, I have never been emotional watching a puppy play in the street, well that wasn't the cause, the weather seemed to expose my emotions. I really don't know what I am doing, to myself, to those around me, and to Allah. I really don't know myself anymore. If I had been given an option to give up now, I probably would, I probably would. Its stuffy, to wake up everyday to the same reality, its stuffy to try to pretend I am fine; its stuffy to breathe. Its really stuffy. There are times I feel so sick, cause my routine has been distorted, I sleep in the day and stay awake at night, I guess my soul wants to avoid interactions with those around me. Sometimes I sleep too much, sometimes I can't sleep and feel sick.I wanna go outside, take a walk, but its do awkward to do that given the society I live in, then the bigger question is, where do I go? I have no place to go to. Unlike my dad who can go out to office, my brother who can go out with friends and stepmom who can go to her house, I can't go anywhere. Going to mom has become a luxury, and even if I go, I am never fully satisfied. I am just so tired of the way I have grown up. I am tired of my personality right now. I am tired of me. I am sick of me. Just sick of me, if that explains everything. But to the world, this sick and stuffy feeling I have is considered an excuse for my short-comings, an excuse for them to treat me like ****; an excuse for them to justify all their unjust behaviour and put me down. Are you alive?