Dear Future Me

Dear Future Melissa, A year doesn't seem like a very long time, but the year that would have passed by the time I read this again is going to be a very long and hard one. I wonder in a years time, after getting my HSC whether or not I'll be happy with it. I really want to do well but I know its going to be hard for me to get focussed and take things seriously. And because I don't really know what I want to do with my life yet, it's so hard to find direction. Worrying about the year ahead is almost a daily occurrence, but once I read this again it will all be behind me. In a years time I'll also be 18 and a half, the age of an adult! This is crazy and I wonder if i'll still pass as a 15 year old like I do now at 17.5. At the moment a lot of my worries are on the future as well as silly things in my life now, that I know aren't important but I just can't seem to shake the thoughts. Things like my hair (side part with a fringe? centre part? blonde? natural?) i can never decide and even if I could, I don't have the money to spend on it anyway. I just wish I could forget about my stupid hair and let it grow! At the moment my plan is to not really cut or colour my hair drastically at all in the next year, so it will be nice and long by the formal and hopefully resemble Tallulah Morton's by the time this email comes. (i can always dream) I'm so fricking impatient. Who the hell thinks about their stupid hair as much as I do? And writes about it for a solid paragraph? Pathetic, I know. But while I'm on it I might as well describe my current hair situation for future reference. Right now I'm trying to grow out my stupid DIY front/side fringe that I actually kicked arse at cutting, but never really wanted. Right now the front sort of resembles a "triangle fringe" but from some angles I kinda like it. My colour is natural for the first half an inch or so, and then for the rest is about a shade lighter and has a slight orange tinge. HATE HATE HATE this! Hair that is parted in the middle and fits behind me ears is a hope for the coming year, hopefully almost touching my elbows like it used to, instead of being midway between my shoulders and boobs like it currently is. Although, I shouldn't complain, my situation (apart from the colour) is looking far better that it did this time last year! (Bobbed and all hedgy like) vom vom vom! Well, right now the boy situation is pretty annoying. I know at the moment I spend far too much time on the internet, snooping around Jordan and getting all flustered and jittery when we talk. It's ridiculous and my feelings are yo-yo like and I don't really want to like him, but I just can't help it. I hope by a years time my focus won't be on idiots like him, but I think it probably will be, i'm not going to over estimate myself! I really wouldn't be surprised if I still liked him, all while he's gone around to many other chicks and back to me for the entire year. I DON'T WANT TO LET THIS HAPPEN, but I fear it will. I also wonder if anything will happen between him and I again, I want it to of course but at the same time it's really not smart and not really the right thing to do. While I love having the "oh well you only live once and I'm only young" attitude is awesome, it's already hurt me in the boy department so I need to be careful. I'm an idiot, I really really am. IDIOT! I would really like to think I'm still a virgin by this time next year, I'd like to be because I'm fairly sure I'm not going to be in love by this time next year. And I know if I do it when I'm not what I believe it in love and full trust with a person, then I'm going to regret it in the future. I NEED to be careful, this isn't something I want to regret. While I'm talking about boys, I want to remind myself that it's OK not to have feelings for someone all the time. It's fun to yeah, but trying to make yourself like someone is silly and only makes you feel more empty and lonely. While not having control over the person you like and having an uncontrolable attraction to them is a pain in the arse at times like I'm in at the moment, trying to make yourself like certain people for the thrill is just silly. This is something I don't want to be aware of just for the coming year, but I need to remember this for the life ahead of me, so I don't fool myself and make unwise decisions. I really can't think of anything else to write to Future Melissa, it's sort of funny that the three main things I've written about are the HSC, my hair and Jordan Bailey. But I'm afraid these are the 3 biggest thoughts that fill my mind on January 23 2010. Before I finish I really want to mention that I hope Mum's health doesn't get worse. My worries for her and the effects of her disgusting smoking are only getting more and more intense and I just really hope that things aren't worse in a years time and that she may have even quit (this I KNOW she won't do without a serious, serious health scare so it's a bit of a lose-lose situation.) But, I can only hope for the best and I really, really do for this. I'd love to say that I'd moved out or decided what I'm going to do with my life in a years time but I probably wouldn't have. Oh well, 18 is still very young and I need to remember that I have to do what I'm drawn to, not what other people think I'm suited to. So if I read this in a years time having chosen a certain career path, I really only want to go ahead with it if my heart is in it. And I know if it is because otherwise I would have no doubts towards it, but only excitement (like I do for say, Silverchair? ;)) Speaking of which! I better have seen them play at Newcastle (atleast) by next year or I'll be very unhappy! The words "home crowd" or the like have to leave Daniels lips in my presence soon or I'll do a funny flip and break something, actually when I do witness it I'll probably do a funny flip and break something anyway. Oh well! I'm pretty happy, I hope it stays. Love and respect yourself, try not to worry, don't get too drunk (actually try not to drink at all really, i'm not sure I will), don't be sleazy with boys, only be cute and flirty and never over the top. Behaving the way Caitlin does for example is fun for her but makes her look silly, this is to be avoided at most costs. Love Melissa xxx