dad

hey you. me. i dont know how to address me. i need to remind you of a few things. mom and dad just left. its saturday, the sun is summer hot and the roads are caving in. dad is hiv positive. how very current. how very real. you need to remember to treat him, to treat her, with the value and love they have for me. one day when theyre gone, ill wanna give anything for one more hour with them. like i do with P. so treat them like that. it doesnt matter how much they moan, or if theyre negative. it doesnt matter how long her stories are or how he talks over everyone. it doesnt matter if they dont want everyone to know, or if they say the stigma doesnt matter but it does. its not mine. its theirs. they let me deal with my addiction any way i wanted and they stood by me. they were proud. and however they deal i love them. nature versus nurture, they made me and they gave me the things i love about myself. music, C, R, my childhood, cedars, curiosity, travel, reality and truth. they are teaching me about loyalty and priorities. C said to me today that it feels like my stuff is more important than hers. they probably feel like that too. because it is. selfish addict me. so today, show them its not. are you still living the relationship you always wanted with them but never had? dropping in? calling? updating and sharing lives? being adults? do not smoke over this. do not drink over this. this is not my pain, its his. i share it but it does not give me the right to escape. he deserves to be proud of me. he deserves to be happy. make him proud, make him happy. forget yourself. it will make you worth what he has always given you so freely. and look at him across the dinner table the way he looks at you. remember the cave in the berg you hiked to and you put your arms around his waist and you loved your dad. you crawled onto his lap. you let him throw you up in the air knowing he'd catch. he loves you like no other. love him back. love is an action. go. we dont get a lot of real tests. pass this one. please.