A letter from May 27th, 2016

Dear FutureMe, Today i am mad at him. (You know who he is. He's your first love.) Because He is going away for 3 days and he wanted to play computer instead of spending his time with me. This happens alot. I cry every time he leaves. I cried because i broke up with him. My eyes are red and painful, my nose is stuffed and i cant breathe. My heart is crushed into pieces. Why? Because he broke my heart. Last night we made a promise that if any of us died even though were 19 or 100, nobody will marry other people. Yes we made the pinky swear. I layed on his chest and secretly cried. I wiped my tears like theres something in my eyes so that he will not notice. Dear me, im crying alot today because i am thinking about those other promises and plans that we made for eachother. We planned on traveling, getting married on a big church. Him, buying a house for us and I will pay for the electricity, water, internet ect. I cried alot because I am thinking about how our future kids would look like. I cried alot because I may not be able to have them because i broke up with him. I cried alot because i want him for the rest of my life. I cried alot because i gave up on him eventhough i love him with all my heart. I love him more than i love myself, i love him so much that i was gonna fight for him no matter what, but it all crashed because i am so sick and tired of him and his attention to computers. Yes i know. I am pathetic. Crying over a computer. What a dork. I cried alot because i know someday, im gonna see him somewhere with his future wife and kids together and they are really happy. Im crying because that woman should be me. I was the one who is supposed to be happy with him. I am the one who should have his kids. I am the one who should be traveling with him around the world and thinking about nothing because we have eachother. I am the one whom he should be marrying. I was the one who should be growing old with him. But i dont know whats gonna happen next. I am crushed inside. I want to cry and let it all out. I want to tell my dad that i am crying because i am tired, but i am scared that my dad will be mad at him because of that stupid reason. I cant believe i gave up on him with that reason, though i wrote him tons of letters about myself not giving up on him no matter what. I am stupid for letting an almost perfect man that understands me, that takes care of me, that buys me food when he has money, that kisses me when im asleep, that hugs me and wipes my tears when im crying, that man who watches my favorite anime, cartoon or series with me, the one that makes me smile, the one that makes my world complete. He was "The man of my dreams". He was everything that i wished for. He should be my "forever" i was thinking about what my vow would be eventhough we are supposed to get married on july 2nd 2025 or whatever year it is. He gave me energy, he's the reason why i get up everyday and feel okay because i know i have him. Dear future me, i know you remember how much you loved him. I hope you get to end up getting married to him because HE should be with you no matter what. I hope by the time you read this, you are engaged to him. I hope that someday, you both have a beautiful house, a car and those 5 children that he wishes for. Dear future me, what ever happens to your life now, im sorry i messed up but now, i will try my best just to give you a life that you always wanted even if you did not end up with him. I am still crying over him because i know its really hard to move on with a relationship like that. Yes we've been together for about 2 years but we've been through alot. We know almost everything about eachother. Dear future me, i hope that by the time you read this, you'll be laughing and not crying because this is a stupid thing. And i hope you'll regret nothing. I dont know how to end this message because i still want to write more. But i guess i should end this now. -love, me.