A letter from January 5th, 2015

Dear FutureMe, So, i guess this is as good a time as any to really catch you up on life. Jacob and i....we're in a phase. Or at least I hope it's only a phase. I mean, we're just really physically into each other. Every time we're even a little alone we're all over each other. And I'm not even going to try and say it's all jacob, because it isnt. I mean I really want him. On one hand I really want to say it's him because we'll be kissing and making out, whatever, but then he'll lick me, or start playing with my nipples, and god, like i can't .... man, all I'm saying is he knows how to please a woman. And my self control will be going strong and he'll just fricken turn me on so hard and god, i love it. Man, if only I could make him as happy as he makes me. God he really knows how to turn me on. I don't know how to please him. I know he really likes it when Im on him while we're making out. So, i do that occasionally. Okay, are you dying for specifics since your memory sucks? Here we go. So, at the picnic, that was the first time we made out. It was good. I don't think anything can ever be that good. The sun was shining. It was warm. We took it slow. We made out for probably 2 hours total. We just learned what each other liked. Explored things. And he felt me up outside my clothes. It was a great way to get introduced to making out. Perfect way for us to get used to the idea. So after that date we decided to go to the outlet mall. The mall was good. We ate lunch, got coffee, walked around, but it got boring fast. So we walked to the theatre and saw Into the Woods. It was a musical. A lot more kissing happened than watching the movie. That was okay with me. In that movie was the first time I put my leg over his. It was only over one leg, but it got us closer and we kissed really passionately. He felt up my leg and got really close to There. Once again he felt me up over my bra and once again we were in public so he couldn't go any farther. The next time I saw him I was over at his house for new years eve. He had me come over two hours before the party started so that we could have some alone time. So there jacob and i were, playing minecraft. Just as we had after the picnic. We kissed a little while his mom and sister were still in the house and his dad was at work. His sister left for her friends house. His mother yells up the stairs that's she's going to whataburger and leaves. Jacob turns and smiles at me. "You know what that means. Base 2." So we start making out, but it doesnt take him long to get right to the point. I'll be honest. He asked my permission and i gave it to him. No thought. But i was scared and as he felt me up and pulled down the cup of my bra I was scared and it was written all over my face. When he'd look up at me I'd smile and nod, but I was scared. I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. At one point he stopped moving his hand and looked into my eyes. I guess he found my feelings there. "What's wrong?" I said nothing was wrong. There was nothing he could do. He was new to this too, and all in all, he had done nothing wrong. He hadn't squeeyed too hard, he hadn't laughed, he hadn't said something about my pimples, he hadn't made any comment on size, or anything else. He'd done everything just right. But still I was scared. His mom got home and he fixed my bra and we ate. Later after the party became too much for me to handle we went back to his place and his hand found its way back into my bra. And then, like magic, he found my nipple. God. We were kissing but when he started playing with it , i had to pull my mouth away and he could feel my pleasure. I was still scared, but the pleasure lightened it. My mom showed up at 11 and i left. On the second I went back to his house to "play some more minecraft" (this will be explained later) I was there for like 7 hours. We made out while trying to play minecraft. I wore my strapless bra because I promised him that I would. It was a lot easier for him to get under my bra. With his father and sister down stairs watching a movie he put his hand into my strapless bra. I stopped him. "Your dad." I whisper. He nods. "Well hear him if he comes up the stairs. Besides, just one finger." Having found my nipple last time he goes straight for it. God. You know, I don't know if he went on to the Internet and found out how to really turn me on, but whatever, it worked. So much so that as he slipped the rest of his hand into my bra I didn't even notice. I think he was pulling on my nipple, and definitely twisting it some. It hurt, but that just made it all that better. I have to be honest, I was still scared. Especially with his dad and sister in the house. So when he stopped, to try and get some action from the other side and I realized what was happening. I moaned his name. He smiled. "Yes?" I reminded him about his dad. He nodded. And asked "pretty please?" I melted. He continued until we left for the chinese food place. It was a buffet. All in all good, but not at all the point of this story. So when jacob and i got back to his house he wanted to show me something in his room. I cant even remember what. He apologized for making me feel uncomfortable earlier when I told him I didn't want to be felt up with his parents in the house. I forgave him, i mean for gods sake, it was Good with a capital G so, really I didn't mind that he did. He somehow convinced me to sit on his bed. And then we were making out and then he slipped and we were making out laying down on his bed. Fibally he said that if his parents came in it would look really bad for us to be makin out on his bed so we just laid there, my head on his chest. He made me keep my coat on to stay away from my chest. I appreciated him trying, but at the same time I was burning up. After a while I couldn't resist. I went back to kissing him. Nice and slow. Passionate. Sexy...I hope.he heard his dad coming up the stairs and we stood up real quick. He handed me my glasses. So, as his father enters to ask what movie we ddecided on, i fix my hair, cram my glasses on, and look guit as hell, while jacob mutters that we haven't picked a movie yet. His father realizes the situation "oh" he turns and leaves. Jacob and i decide to just play minecraft some more. Back in the game room we start making out again. I take my jacket off. Thank god, I was burning up. He starts back in on my bra, but this time my self control is more in place and i tell hI'm "no." It's not that I am really so scared anymore, it's just that there are three other people in the house and I can't have my boobs hanging out everywhere. He begs. "Just one finger" he asks first, but I've heard this one before and I know what happens so I say no. " just one kiss" he asks I don't look at him. He takes this as a yes. It's not that I wanted to say yes, it's that I gave such a hard time saying no to him. He's so adventurous. I'm so proud of him taking initiative like he has, and I don't want to kill that, so I really hate saying no. He kisses my nipple, and puts my bra back in place. "That wasn't so hard was it?" I smile. "no" it comes out in a whisper. Sometimes...sometimes I just know he loves me so much. I grab his hand and straddle him to keep him from going back in. H moans my name a few times and closes his eyes. I press up against him. Kissing him hard, nibbling his ear, kissing his neck etc while i know he enjoys the hell put of me being on top of him. Honestly, i enjoy it too. I love knowing im having such an effect on him. We go back to playing minecraft. He asks me to play the nervous game. I agree. He starts running his hand up my leg. Gets all the way to the top. "I'm nervous" before he touches That. He does it again, without asking if I'm nervous. When he gets to the top of my leg he reminds me "just ask if you want me to stop" I nod, he moves his hand up right on to It. I bite my lip. "Are you nervous?" A nod. "Is it okay that you're nervous?" A nod. " do you want me to move it?" "No." He smiles, but then I move his hand. I want you, but we have to wait I remind him. We have to wait til the end of january.I play the nervous game with him now. Eventually touching his dick through his pants...just barely. Just my fingertips. As far as I can tell it's harder than I thought like I know that's the adjective that they use, but man, it's actually hard. He Never Says He's nervous, but I say I am and move my hand. Next we play with my boobs. He gets closer and closer, anyways, you get the point. He goes back to my legs. This time I don't say that I'm nervous until his hand is back There. He leaves it there, momoving it ever so slightly. "Bailey, please?" He asks. I know what he is asking. "No." "You know you want to." "We already went over this" " come on, just to base 3. That's all I'm asking" I look at him. Deciding. My self control down to one silo if you remember that joke. Finally I muster "I set my boundaries, and I'm sticking by them. It'll be good for us to wait." He looks surprised and moves his hand. Honestly I was surprised by it too. I always figured in that situation I wouldn't be able to say no. But i did, and really effectively. My mom showed up and i went home. At 10. Which btw is my curfew. Alright, so that catches you up to today. So here I am at 1:30 in the morning. Jacob, mckenna, and I went bowling today. We kissed a few times at the bowling alley, but that wasn't enough so I went over to his house afterward for like an hour and a half. This time we turned on the xbox, but let's be honest we really didn't try to play.we got right to the making out. I didn't know I was going over to his house so I didn't wear my strapless bra, it was a pain to do who ut taking off my bra, but he eventually got both breasts completely exposed. At first I started to object because his parents were close, but he reminded me that I wouldn't see him alone again for a week or maybe more. I put my hands down. This time. This time, he watched my reactions to what he did. I noticed that he noted every hand movement, every coil of my body, every time I pulled his hair. He noted it to see what I liked. And man, everytime he goes there it gets better. By the end of tonight he knew how to get me going hard. He likes to kiss my chest which I figured he'd find Gros since there are pimples, but he seems to love it. It's not even something I really enjoy, it's just the he likes to do it and it's not like I really care, but today he kissed down my chest and onto my nipple. God. I could have came right there. Man, he's getting too good at this. So for maybe ten minutes I let him have my chest completely exposed. Both sides. He did what he pleased with them. We didn't take off my bra because of his parents. Eventually I straddled him again. Chest exposed. I felt a little odd about it, unsure of whether he wanted me so close to him half naked, but he pushed my chest against his. I got the message. I kissed him. Dirty sexy hot. He had to close his eyes again, mon in my name. I went back to his neck. Telling him to take deep breaths. So, with me kissing him, dirty sexy hot, his hands found my ass. He squeezed. Let's be honest, there isn't that much to grab. I felt hos hands move up, and then under the waist band of my pants.I thought that he'd go farther, but his fingertips stopped there, an inch into my pants. Eventually I got off of him and put my bra cups back in place and put my shirt back into place. Later, he put a pillow on his lap. He told me it was his safety net. I asked him from what "From the nervous game." I stick my hand on his leg and pulled it up his leg, first placing my fingertips on his dick, but then grabbing it more firmly. I rereined what I was doing. Let go. "Guess not." He says. I smile. He pulls his hand up my leg. Placing it over It. He stops. Massages. Again, i suspect the internet, but hey, maybe the kid's a natural. I try to breathe normally. Not let on how turned on I am. "May I proceed?" He asks. (A cheesy line from a movie we saw) "no." "You know you want to. I felt you grab my dick you know." I tell him it was the magic of the pillow. I tell him I do want it. Bad. But that we need to wait. He massages. God it's good. I tell him it's healthy to wait. He pulls his hand away from down There and I take a deep breath. Relieved to not be so turned on, but I soon realize he's pulling his hand up to the waistband of my pants. He puts his finger tips under it. "No." I say. "You know you want to.The end of January is so far away. I can't wait." I tell him no its not. "You've been waiting your whole life Im sure you can wait another three weeks." "Come on, please?" He asks. Fingertips itching to go lower. I contemplate it. " No." I grab his hand. Hold it to keep him from doing anything else stupid. I leave at 8:30 to go play with kenna. so, the "to play minecraft" thing is now a running joke, because literally in all the hours I've been over there to play minecraft we have gotten nothing done. There has been no minecraft progress whatsoever. As far as jacob goes, "he made me feel excited and a little bit scared" that's from that movie into the woods that jacob and i saw. That's what little red says about the wolf. On one hand I'm glad that he wants me. That's good. On the other hand I have a really hard time trusting myself. I'm afraid I'm gonna go over there one day really horn and let him finger me and regret it forever. I'm not sure if I'm going to even change the boundaries at february, but at this point I feel like I have to because he's counting on it. But I'm still scared sometimes. I'm still self conscious sometimes. I want to be confident and secure when I let him down there. Also, what if he expects me to be shaved? Aaaaaaahhhh. Idk what to expect from him there. I have no fucking idea how to give a hand job and it's not like he'll be any help, having jerked off twice. I don't know how to give a blow job either, and I for sure know he can't help with that. I think if I do change the boundaries it will be to just hands and genitals. I'm not sure. I'm so glad he's taken charge though. I want to make him happy. That's for sure. I mean, i dont really want to change the boundaries until he has condoms. Not that I'm gonna have sex with him, but just in case and if he isn't mature enough to buy condoms then he isn't mature enough to go to third base. That actually sounds really fair. I doubt he'll think so, he'll find it irrational. But i think it's a great idea. I don't think making out will ever be as good as it was at the picnic. I love doing things with jacob, but I'm scared abo it how fast we're going. In the two weeks since break started we went from having never kisskissed anyone to his fingertips in my pants. I don't want to be a prude, but I'm not a slut either. Alright, after that novel I guess I'll let you go. I get my new class rank and psat scores soon. I'll keep you updated. Wish me luck. Goodnight. Sincerely, Bailey (you/me/us)