A letter from July 30th, 2014

Dear Anne (FutureMe), I'm writing this email at the computer in my room upstairs at 1651 Locker Road. I just got back from Madison where Don and I took Emily after a week visit in Wisconsin so she could go back to California. It was such a nice but way too short visit. She is such a good hearted and loving and forgiving person who finds the good in everyone and every situation. In spite of all the ruin I caused my family, my daughter turned out to be such a wise and loving person. At this moment, Don and I still struggle with living in two houses and all of the driving and double grocery shopping and general disorganization that comes with it. But this summer, I have grown in my appreciation for my house and the independence and freedom I have here, and I am better at coping with it than Don is (I think). I love this man very much and he is a good man who takes good care of me and is very protective. Just last night when we went to the Elbow Room, I had to walk around the corner and return a library book and he didn't want me to walk alone, so he came with me. Stuff like that. However I do struggle with bouts of Donnyitis whenever we are together for more than 24 straight hours. I see us living together within a year and I see myself learning to compartmentalize my life and using my time and energy more wisely. I am learning to speak my mind and stand up for myself but I still get hurt by people much more than I want to. I want to be able to sing and play confidently and I want to ride my horse someday and they are all lots of work but it's work I am happy to do. I worry about boarding my horses, I worry about my kitties and where they will live if I move into town and I worry about Don being able to live with dogs and cats. That is why i am determined to enjoy my time while I am here. I miss my mom and dad a lot lately and wish I could talk to them about their lives and ask them questions about why they did what they did. I have decided that selling my house is not my number one goal: writing a book is my new number one goal. With that success I can buy any house I want and also help a nice folk school get started. Those are my dreams. Sylvan doesn't talk to me at all and I can't tell what he thinks about or if he is happy to be alive. Sometimes I am angry with him and wish I didn't have to take care of him. Sam is distant and I fear I have lost him but it's his choice and not mine so I let that one go. He has problems and has no interest in having a mom who cares about him so I allow that to go. I like parts of my job but always strive to teach more and work in the LC less because I don't like the paper work and data management. It has been this way for ten years now. When my book is done I will have the life I have always dreamed of. They say we are all the same age inside all of our lives. I am stuck at about 12 or 13. I think that was the happiest time of my life. This week Friday we are going to Eric and Katie's to see their new baby Fiona and Shana and Julie are not talking to each other so it will be difficult but I have already made plans to go. Kirk is having his second brain surgery and there is a chance he could die on the operating table. I am sad about that because he represents the last of my dad's family and with him would go any stories about that side of the family. There isn't enough of me to go around sometimes and I imagine that is true of all women who work and are mothers. But I am very grateful for the things I have in my life. I wish for my future self that things have gotten better with Sam and Sylvan and that all of my animals are well and in a good place. Love your past self, Anne