A letter from February 24th, 2013

Dear FutureMe, First of all, happy Sunday (if I've done my "calculations" correctly). Let's take some stats, shall we? I am a fresh 23. By the time you read this you will be a "fresh" 26. Do you remember when the millenium had turned and your cousin Enero was living with you? He was in his 20s and had a birthday, and you thought, "how could anyone get so old? 20s are so far in the future for me." You were right, buddy. They were your entire lifespan ahead of you at that point. Now 40s are an entire lifespan ahead of me, and 50s are an entire lifespan ahead of you. But enough about age; you'll have plenty of time to think of that when you're actually old. You know, lately I've been unmotivated, I think. Maybe I'm very motivated but just can't get my feet on the ground. For one reason or another, I am constantly dissatisfied with the state of my life. Are you now? Did you figure it out or start working on this problem? You know exactly what I'm talking about. You know, FutureMe, or Nathan, as I like to call you, in a sense I already have started working on this problem of personal dissatisfaction. It feels like each day brings me closer to a truly intolerable, unfulfilled life, and one day this camel's back will break. And when that day comes you will have two options: to interrupt your cycles of regret, inactivity, and guilt, or to buckle under the ponderosity of your own passive patterns. This morning you woke up and inspected your own body fairly critically. You weren't impressed, and if fact you were a little disgusted at yourself. And you know why you don't exercise these days: you blame circumstances. When really you have just about any resource at your disposal. You say, "well, I don't really have access to a gym, and I wanted to get hired as a personal trainer for the free gym membership, blah blah blah." And on top of that your own uncertainty of an effective workout prevents you from doing anything at all. Tsk tsk. Have you tried just getting a membership at the gym and researching and experimenting yet? You have plenty of money for that thanks to the endless fountain of cash to which you have unprecedented access, better known as mompop.) And, oh yes, that's right. You're living with this cash fountain. Pretty easy, right? It's lonely out here in the suburbs. Nathan, it is (hopefully was at this point) killing me. Your friends are scattered. And that's another one. If you had friends out here you would just go out and do more things, maybe have a workout buddy, etc. Sure, it'd be ideal, but, Nathan, you cannot fall into a later-will-be-better mentality. You can look forward to the future, but you cannot compare the present to it, wishing it were the future. Talk about a way to simply not enjoy life. But you know this, right? Of course you do. Continuing with the state of things. You didn't know what PT school you would get into, if any. But I am hoping for Long Island University in Brooklyn, provided that Justin gets in as well (or even if he doesn't). You're still in contact with Justin VanGend, right? Oh god please tell me you are. He is one of the best humans you have ever encountered. Right now I often wonder WWJD?. I can't see him exploding with anger or lashing out at anyone. He's just funny all the time, and people love to be around him. Anyway, I am still doing this music collab with him, but I am dissatisfied with my music as well. It wasn't too long ago I made that Christmas song ("Deck the Halls with alcohols..." etc.) and asked myself, "Why don't I even like my music? That should be the minimum." It's tough, man. But I'm very passionate about it right now. Maybe you still are. I bet you are. Wow, did you make an album yet? Right now Justin and I are doing a TSA sort of project (The Secret Admirers), but we were The Dustbunnies at one point. And then we have our stage names, 5un_5pots and Leefy Greens (maybe you should get a cooler one. Then again, maybe just focus on making good music first.) And what about girls? Do you have a nice girlfriend? That'd be nice. Right now I don't love myself enough to accept the exclusive romantic love of another. You lost your virginity on the Europe trip, right? Dude, please tell me you did. How was the trip? There was certainly a lot of hype leading up to it, remember? Just a few more months and I'll be on my way. Let's see, what else? I'm sure you still write things down in a notebook. Yep, that habit made a lot of sense to pick up for me. Just keep on creating, right? But maybe it has transmuted into another form of creating. Do you sketch now? Ooh, sculpt? Make masks? As for family, Brandon's in South Africa. He's studying. I wonder where he'll be at this point. I'm going to tell him about this FutureMe thing. Hector is still in Whittier with Emily. He might have moved to San Diego at this point. Maybe he's back in Chicago? That would be pretty cool, maybe you'll disc golf with him every once in a while, like the good old days circa 2005 CE. Mompop are doing pretty well. They are working hard at the clinic in Cicero (and I started helping them recently). Pa still has weak hands from the accident last November in Hawaii. I feel bad asking, but is Tita still alive? I have wondered about what her death would be like since I was so little. Seriously. Or Papa Ñeriz. Yikes, man. Here is a list of music I've been listening to lately: Metronomy (The English Riviera) Hot Chip (In Our Heads) Chairlift (very new at this point, still unsure. the singles are alright. this one's probably another band that won't stand the test of time for you) Father John Misty (Fear Fun) M83 (most of all that) You're trying to get into Radiohead. Giving it some time. Young Galaxy (Shapeshifting)(I mean, it was pretty good) The Tallest Man on Earth (most of all that) The Knife (mostly silent shout) SBTRKT's "Wildfire" Washed Out (Within and Without) And actually Justin's stuff is pretty great. Fred's is fine, but it requires quite the niche mood. I don't know. There's some old standbys as well like Wilco, Neutral Milk Hotel, The Beatles, etc. You know. Maybe They Might Be Giants or something. I'm still hoping to figure out male fashion a little better. Hopefully you've gotten a better grasp on that as well. Is your beard coming in any better? Still rocking the stash? Long hair? I'm growing it out again. Do you still reddit? I'm hoping to eventually break free of that site. It's damn addicting. It does have some great things to say, but the way I'm using it right now is no good. I just look at "funny" images or videos and quell an addiction. Ech, no good man. Here's a list of favorites on your phone right now: Justin VanGend (hey-o. high five!) David Neil Sebastian Frederiksen (classic friend right here. wonderful) Jacob VandeHaar (god I love this guy) Ryan Evenhouse (ha, very funny being around him for some reason) Brandon Rivera-Melo (sorry bro. At least your top 5) Zachary Woldman (he should be higher up actually. buddy for life.) Dr. Hector Rivera-Melo (there he is. too much to say about the old man. he is, simply put, a hero.) Jin Sung (first woman. there is something you adore about her) Hector Rivera-Melo (thanks for being my older bro when I grew up, bro. move closer and we'll talk about bumping you up on this list) Roland Eldridge (still written "Eldfridge". He'd be much higher up if he contacted me every once in a while. Sad that he doesn't, but hey. Fell in love on the Ghana trip with this man) Matt Hill (Very driven man. I probably have more respect for him than any other peer. My father outranks him in respect, but, yeah, there is a lot to say about Matt. He makes me [and others] feel dumb at times, but he's still full of love. Also he's very strong) Hmm, I guess that makes Matt my "least favorite". Heh. Oh, before I forget, happy leap day tomorrow! That'll be fun, eh? Extra day to throw everything off! Our calendar should really have 30 days per month, with a five-day month at the beginning or end. Isn't that easy? And what's up with this 7-day week thing? It's all across the world! What if it were 6? That would make the month thing easier. 5 complete weeks in a month. Then that 5-day month would have a 5-day week as well, except on leap years. Weekends come more frequently, working out every other day can finally be consistent with no two day break, and we can get rid of that hideously spelled "Wednesday"? You mean when's day? Wenzday? Yikes, this is starting to sound like another journal entry. It's sounding exactly like one actually, so I'll close with this: Look, I know I don't tell you this a lot. I don't think I do very often at all. But, I love you. I really do. It's hard to understand but it is so simple and true. With nothing to gain but my own, self-valued love, I love you. You strive to improve yourself because you love you. And you loved me. I promise you did. Keep in touch with yourself like I am now. Don't let yourself fall. Ask for help. Stop at nothing to self-actualize, becoming the amazing Nathan you always were, and have always wanted to be. Start being. I hope you are happy, Nathan. I truly do. Because I love you. Tell everyone I say "hello" and give them a big hug for me, for even if they did not know me, they can at least try to piece me together through you. With love, ~Nathan Rivera-Melo