happy birthday

hey there twenty seven (from 26 to 27), oh shit, now you've done it, you've become an adult! really, there's a ring to twenty seven that sounds, well, ever so closer to thirty. and by thirty you should figure things out, right? (haha, not) i think one thing you are learning is that you never figure things out. sometimes answers come to you but a lot of things get left unsolved. also that there is no "right way" in which to live. if you carry this with you you can always be happy, and that's pretty reassuring. wise words from a wise woman, if i do say so myself (ooh, look at you making corny dad jokes) since you seem to like to keep a tally (oh c'mon, you love the tally) i just counted the other day and i kissed five girls, five guys this year. i've slept with two guys (besides nate). i don't know what i'm doing in that department most of the time. i love my job. in a year if i'm still doing the same thing, awesome. more money in the saving account would be great, though. i was just driving home from a birthday dinner with mom and dad at paparazzi. you had the shrimp, dad ordered chianti, it was a really nice evening. tomorrow you're going out with friends, friday you're going to have a lumberjaq party. oh, and don't forget to buy twizzlers! ha. on your drive home you were trying to remember where you were (and who you were) on every previous birthday. you blanked out at twenty. here are your memories: twenty one - my first "legal" year to drink. i received a cocktail book from my friend sarah. i went to the bar early with bryan and we got drinks. i drank a lot of lemon drops, a lot of people bought me shots, i was really happy i finally got to go to alex's. twenty two - i had just moved into one one two summer street with catherine, dani and sarah. we went for walks with mugs of alcohol to look at houses. we sat on our front porch a lot. i spent my birthday with michael skinner in my bed making out i think. it was a good night. twenty three - i was in love. my first birthday with nathan we went to dali. we dressed up all fancy. it was utterly perfect. twenty four - the backyard barbecue at jessica's apartment. fire pit, vegan food, best cake ever (buttercream and oranges, i made it myself). i was drunk on carlo rossi and high on life. i was happy. nathan was there i think, and we must have gone home together. twenty five - i was alone on a rooftop in new york city. i saw fleet foxes and drank in a gorgeous skyline, i had good drinks and dinner with matt, i had great conversation and fun with hannah, dionne and meg mclaughlin. i felt fancy. it felt good. twenty six that's now :) i am so happy. the events in my life have brought me to so many good people and each one of them help make me feel whole. i love them all. always treat yourself like a queen... and buy twizzlers for everyone :) kisses, m ---------------------------------------- dear 26. (from 25 to 26) it's strange that it feels downhill from here... like if you don't start shaping up soon you'll be in real trouble. 26, over the hill, old. ok, stop being dramatic. you're super young. the thing is years ago you thought you'd get to be 25 and have things figured out a little more. having just come out of a relationship with nate, moved in with roommates who aren't too different from college, and scraping by isn't quite what you were thinking. i know you'll never regret going to europe with catherine or working as a freelancer though. so maybe it's different than what you thought, but still ok. you're lucky to have catherine, to have your parents, jessica (how is she!?) your roommates, nathan, sexual freedom, haha... all the people who love and support you = amazing. do you have a real job yet? :) it may be time to look for one. job security is invaluable... even if the arts council has also been a job of a lifetime for you. ok, i'm sorry this email is a disappointment but i don't know what to say to you this year and i'm trying to prep for europe! i love you, though. the great part is i know whatever you're doing it's the right thing because even though you're always second-guessing yourself you always set sails for the right course. the one that helps you almost equally follow your heart and your head. i love you. m ---------------------------------------- dear me (from 24 to 25), ...you thought 23 to 24 was going to be a leap thinking about me at twenty-five is even scarier. despite that i honestly do feel appropriately my age. twenty-four. for the first time i feel like i'm on the right track, doing the right thing, scared as hell, happy, and trying to make an honest go of it. i also feel like i know more stuff... i don't know what that means, i just have more points of reference? more experience? more self-confidence. it feels good. this year: you quit inscribe (thank god), you broke up with nate ( :( ), you dated lauren briefly ( :p ), the drive shaft fell out of the cr-v and you bought the accord, you "moved in" with cait shea (because your apartment to grow and live in was an epic fail) and then heather balchunas in east somerville... and they are both good friends now, you work at the arts council! you love dyke march of boston very much, you are going to visit catherine in panama for a MONTH! you've become a lot closer with jessica barnthouse, you love somerville, you just spoke with michael stevenson for an hour, you went to bryan mccracken's wedding and made his invitations, you just met jonah (animation) and may be teaching a class at sprout, you hung out and screen printed with colin all day today, you're cooking even more! you just received a dave & ethan shirt in the mail, you love your parents, you don't speak to andrew (who has been a huge jerk to everyone lately), you sometimes speak to chris (he's just far away working at Pet Co.), you often talk too much about everything. as for nate, you do still love him right now, your heart is kind of tearing to pieces over this but i think you know the right thing to do is let go of it for now, ok? my hopes for the coming year: that you stick to freelancing and being happy (funemployed!). i feel like you're doing it, you're even inspiring to yourself! it feels so good right now. it's scary but it's good. my life actually feels like an adventure... and is enjoyable! i think i've come so far from who i was last year. this time next year i hope you and mom have planned yourself a little trip, even if it isn't to europe. i hope you are friends with nathan.... and very excited about the return of catherine of panama (in just a few short months!) visit grace in italy, too. keep working on art, keeping moving & shaking, keep loving. i'm glad you still treat yourself like a queen on your birthday :) never stop. meagan p.s. you like listening to arcade fire, the yeah yeah yeahs and just bought dan blakeslee (a subway performers) cd yesterday. -------------------------------------------- dear me (from 23 to 24) “all I want to know is happiness for you and me” - elliot smith . . . bittersweet today is my twenty-third birthday. i usually write these a few days before my birthday in well wishes to myself, but i forgot this time. i suppose I’m writing this to you, my soon to be twenty-four year old self. that’s a little scary. twenty four seems INSANELY different to me. like you better have your shit together you grown up. 23 is getting there but not quite as intense... ok, so BOYS! (we were laughing that somehow i started all my previous future me's with a boys update. jess asked why there wasn't anything about girls in there? there kind of is...) tonight i'm going to Dali's with nathan. i am in love. i fell out of love with him for a brief while but he's so wonderful i'm right back in it. he has problems, everyone has problems, i don't know, i'm too young to think about being with anyone forever but... he's super. what's next? life? i work at inscribe (sniffing for other jobs) but we're in a recession. i moved into my beautiful new apartment where i hope to live and grow for years. i think i'm going to be learning a lot there, i'm more excited than i should be. i am good friends with michael stevenson (who i mention in the first email) and am glad of it. i told him i loved him this past week (in a best friend love kind of way) OH! catherine (who i love in every email) is in Panama! she's been there 14 months by the time you get this - insane. hope you're going to see her in december like your promise. and with grace. i hope you've grown in your art! i hope you're selling more. i hope you've kept in touch with people you hold nearest and dearest to you because now you realize your friends are your family and you have to knit them around you... (speaking of knitting) you embroidered the bird and the fish into a dress last night to wear for your birthday. i'm glad you always treat yourself like a queen on your birthday and i hope you continue doing so for all your years. oh! and don't forget when you turn 25 mum turns 50 and you're going to go to freaking europe together. or somewhere. i'm not sure everythings perfect/happy in my life but the tone of this email is joyous and i have a lot of hope for myself and the future... so i hope you're smiling, laughing, beautiful... abundant love, xoxo, me -------------------------------------------- (from 22 to 23) Future Future Me again! This will be a short intro to your long lost life (two years of future me-ing). I want to say I like my 19 year old self better than my wise ass 20 year old self. Maybe you could remind yourself of this next year incase you're trying to act too grown up. Happy 23 birthday in advance. I hope it's the best yet (just as I know 22 will be). Nothing new or exciting to report. Boys are boring and I am coming to this point where I might start dating them just for sex instead of trying to find long lost loves. I don't know if I really have that in me though. I talk to Bryan about once a month. I talk to Sean once every six. (just averages) I'm at work (InScribe) doing data entry (agh, so agonizing!) and I hope I won't be doing it forever. I'm going to the Cape tonight to pick up furniture for the still new apartment. I still, strangely, love Catherine now Aiello previously known as Lynch. I have no friends... in Boston anyway. I hope by next year you have many or have moved somewhere where you do. I hope you still have ambition. I hope you're creating. I hope you realize you're a tree trunk with tons of branches to grow with millions of leaves to come off them. Maybe some flowers. I hope you're laughing at your stupid metaphor. I love you still, Yourself ------------------------------------------ (from 21 to 22) Dear FutureMe, Wow, ok so this needs to be short cause I just got an e-mail from you/me when you were 19 still. Wow, how cute. Anyway I'm in the computer lab at school and really busy so I should really do work (I'm doing a panorama for Joe Scheer). Do you still have your school e-mail account? I think so... for at least six months. So what's going on in my life? Boys - nothing. I have decided Bryan McCracken is my George from Grey's Anatomy and we should be best friends forever. Or buy an apartment in europe. This is all very unrealistic though and I should not romanticize about such things. No other guys in my life, no girls for that matter. Very funny mom and dad kind of found out I'm bi, obviously means nothings though because I'm not getting any. We may be moving, I'm so sorry if in a year from now I don't have our house anymore. :o( I'm excited, not scared like I must have been last year, I don't need you to respond to me because I am/will be you in a year. I mean I think I've actually kind of grown up. I cook a lot (apparently that means growing up). I want to be either living on a cruiseship makin $$ in a year or working at a design company. Preferably for a good cause. Please don't forget that you're going to change the world, that's way important. Hope your senior show was awesome, actually I know it will be, just don't kill yourself over it and use your resources! Lastly youre 21st year... don't be an alcoholic. Well, you know, not too much. I know it's kind of getting old (drinking) by now but remember the fun times I guess. -------------------------------------------- Here is your email from the year before (from 19/20 to 21): Dear FutureMe, This is getting sent to you one year into the future... that's pretty fucking amazing. Think about how it is blowing your mind and altering time right now (not! i'm thinking what catherine lynch would type here because this is a weblink from her). So, future me, you're turning 21 in like a week. I'm jealous, but thank god cause it's about time. Let me tell you about what 19 year old you is thinking about right now... boys: this is when the jeff baxter thing went on, it has been for about 2 weeks? we've made out a couple of times, post friends with benefits conversation and i'm pretty sure it's going no where but it aint my fault if he's being a girl and i'm not going to call him all the time... or maybe it is my fault. i don't really know what to do. bryan mccracken (still has a girlfriend) calls you all the time (at least once a day) you dont always pick up. sean kenealy - we had a good convo last night on aim which was odd and then he was like i promise i'll call you in the next three days which was also odd and i was just kind of like... sure....... michael steveson, will you ever know that name in a year? he has never kissed a girl, i feel bad for him... and have a secret non-crush thing on him, i can't explain. omg, alanna was having eye sex with some guy, you should randomly remind her of this and other strange conversations. I just told like person number 8 (or 9?) that sometimes I have bisexual feelings kind of I don't know. Can't really define it as bisexual yet, just now how I feel about it, but it's fun to talk about (was talking to Andrea). Oh, this is about a month after Irene Brown and Maya Johnson stopped talking to you cause you wrote them up. Umm you're supposed to have a birthday party with friends this weekend but everyone's pretty much canceled on you you think but hopefully you'll make the most out of it? Who's your closes friend right now? Mom still? Grace might be mad at me and stephs crazy. I love catherine randomly, jessie sipes is still the bomb, danielle sandy is my plutonic soulmate and.... i don't know, people are amazing and everywhere. very different compared to my summer in alfred which was just a month ago... Ok future me... i hope everything has worked out for you and that 21 is great like you hope it is. p.s. listening to death cab still but looking for some new music love tunes. p.p.s. secretly wishing you (future me) could send an e-mail back to me right now - and knowing that when i read this next year i will laugh and think that i am the lamest person even though i knew then. -Me