A Letter From Year 12

Dear FutureMe, Well, this'll be the first time I've ever used this application. Or program. Or website. Whatever this should be called. But anyhow, today, I'm feeling a little... sentimental, I suppose. Is that even the right word? I mean, at this age, you know what it means, but I can't be sure if it fits the.. situation. Now, there's so much I want to talk about. And yet, there's almost too much that my mind is blank when I think of how to begin. But, I think, perhaps, I'll start with one of the most concerning of matters. And that would be your friend, Natalie. I wonder if she's still your friend. Do you two still talk? Anyway, right now, currently, in term two of year 12, Natalie has begun cutting herself again. Yes, again. Do you remember? Larissa told you the term before that Natalie cut herself, but decided to stop otherwise people would see the cuts and the scars, and that's not very much a good idea, as she doesn't want people to know. But, she started again. When Larissa told you she was cutting again, the first thing you thought was 'But why?' You were..unsettled. Disturbed. Not disgusted, of course, never disgusted or feeling hate towards Natalie. But.. it was unsettling. Of course, it'd be unsettling. One of your two best friends has been cutting and she hasn't told you, but told your other best friend. You felt hurt, very hurt that she hasn't been telling you that. That she hasn't been telling you much at all. In fact, when I think about it, I can't remember a time when Natalie actually told you anything of significant importance. Only ever the little things. And yet she told Larissa. You were really hurt about this. But you ignored the hurt, because right now, your own hurt wasn't as important as the hurt Natalie is feeling. You don't even know what hurt Natalie's feeling. All you know is she hurts. And so she cuts. You'd been thinking this morning, about Natalie. What's wrong? Why? What's going on? You think, and it almost makes you cry. You have to stop thinking about it unless you wanted to cry. Which you didn't, because at the time, you were on a bus full of kids and crying would be rather... Well, anyway, you'd nearly cried. Why? Because you figured that, while Natalie was surrounded by her friends, to a point where she didn't have to ever worry about being by herself and alone, she was actually, deep down, so very lonely. It's like that saying that you probably got from a song "I'm in a room full of people, and yet I feel so alone". You figured that that's probably how Natalie truly felt. She might not know it, but it's possibly how she felt. So alone. But why? It probably stems from having reality being so different from her expectations and fantasies. I figure that you and she are similar in a way - moving from primary to secondary school thinking "Yes, this is the moment where everything changes. Everything is going to be amazing. I'm going to change into someone better, I'll have so many friends that will all love me. I'll be so great! Life will be perfect." But the crushing reality is that no, we didn't become perfect - we didn't have millions of friends, we only had two or three. We didn't particularly change into someone better, all we did was discover some good and some bad things about ourselves. At least, that's how it was for me - but Natalie must have been similar. And, given that Natalie felt most hurt at being called a reject, I'm guessing that she was the one who most wanted to have all the friends and all the popularity and such. And she didn't. Sure, she slowly gained it all, but it started off pretty badly with everyone actually getting annoyed at her. But after that things turned out fine - now, I would dare to say that we've become part of a much larger group that every now and then breaks up into its subunits before re-uniting again. So, sure we have that now, but I'm thinking the delay of having it plus the bad start that Natalie had with it had a contribution to why she currently feels lonely deep down. I would also think that her parents divorce and separation back in year 6, just before year 7 also had an influence. Can you imagine being in a family, with much older half brother and half sister, with two parents who only ever fought and that's all they ever did and said to each other? It must hurt to not have a well-functioning family. And given that her mum currently does not give a shit about her family, well... Natalie probably doesn't feel she is cared for, or loved. Natalie probably feels all alone. Natalie hasn't had good enough family relations, or a family that functioned well enough together. And so, she has a deep scar that makes her oh so lonely, despite having so many friends around her. It probably doesn't help that Larissa and I tend to go off into our own world sometimes, leaving her out of it. That makes it worse. And when we do that, I glance over at Natalie often, worried about what it'll do, and yet I don't know how to bring her into it or how to take Larissa and I out of it. So, really, Natalie's lonely. And the loneliness hurts her. So she turns to feeling numb and emotionless so as not to feel lonely and hurt. But as human beings, we can't just feel numb and emotionless. And Natalie's smarter than she seems - she knows it's not good to be numb and emotionless, but she doesn't want to feel the loneliness and the hurt. So she cuts. She cuts to feel the physical pain, to see her skin separate and the blood seep out. She cuts to feel something strong enough that can ensure she remains human and at the same time, distract her from the mental and emotional pain. And it's just so sad, and scary, and horrifying to know that she's doing this to herself, that she's so hurt and lonely. And it hurts too, because she doesn't want you to know. And it hurts even more because she's okay with telling someone else, but not you. That's Natalie there for you, Natalie of 2012. Larissa is the same old, same old. Falling for almost every other boy she sees. Well, that's incorrect. Her interest is distracted. And she's hurt. From love. The typical. I can see her falling into a pattern. Of loving and being hurt and loving and being hurt. She already is there. I also think she loves each person less and less. I can so easily see her becoming those kinds of girls who've loved too much and been too kind but hurt too much that their hearts become cold and hard until it's almost impossible for them to love. It's becoming apparent, really. I wonder if she knows. She probably does. She says, in another life, she'd probably be a slut, falling for one boy and another, yet still loving the ones from the past. She can't let go. I think it's because she loved when she was young and naive. She wasn't stupid. But, at a young age, don't we all tend to be a little too hopeful? That was her. Too hopeful. Too naive. Too trusting. Too loving. Too kind. She gives her all and I think that's a mistake for a girl so young. And so she was hurt, and it's harder for her to trust. Even if she can trust, she's already picked up the habits of the one that has hurt her - she's turned to become impossible to please. She already was, anyway. I wonder what'll happen to her, later. What will she be like? Will she fall steadily down that path of becoming a girl with a cold heart? Or will she break out of it, meet that one guy who could change everything? And as for you... Right now, you're dazed and confused. A little like Larissa, you got screwed over (unintentionally) by a boy you liked. You put too much hope and too much naivety. You lost your willpower because of him. You lost the ability to do well. You've also become a little like Larissa, crushing on quite a number of boys - but not a single one you've ever liked quite the way you liked that first boy. Admittedly, that second boy you did like more than the others, but still, you have to admit, you didn't like him as much as the first - and he was, I guess you could say, like the rebound guy. Except, you weren't even in a relationship with either of them. To put it simply, they each got a girlfriend a few months after you started talking to them. Is it still that way? Where you like a boy, gather the courage to talk to him, and a few months later, you discover that all along he's loved another girl and now they're dating? Does that still happen? Or have you finally found love? Finally in a relationship yourself? I do hope you have. I hope you have found someone to love - after all, you've set yourself the goal of marrying at 24 and having children by 26 or 27. Having eight years from now to do that isn't all that much time. Good luck. I think I'll end this letter here for now. After all, it sure is mighty long. Just talking about Natalie, Larissa and a little about yourself. Oh it's funny that you haven't mentioned Paul. But anyway, this sure is a long letter. And you're probably busy with whatever you're doing now, not to mention it's possible you've gotten bored with the length of this letter. So I'll end the letter here. And continue about family later on, about your little sister. Goodbye for now, and good luck with your future! -Caitlyn