A letter from December 31st, 2011

Dear FutureMe, It's exactly 4 hours and 19 minutes from midnight and into 2012. Mom said that it's going to be a terrible year for me... again. But I feel it bringing a lot of rawness and strength. I've been waiting to write this letter for over a year... ever since you sent me one on my 25th birthday. I feel like I deserve to send you another one on my 30th birthday. So, here I am on New Year's Eve, feeling heavy, conflicted, lost, and anxious. Perhaps just really stressed about that grad school essay. Remember? For CCA? I hope you ended up there or somewhere just as fitting. I hope the dreams you hold continue to be uncompromised. I hope you are still loving yourself the way you deserve. You are currently feeling the most numb, lost, and emotionally apathetic you've ever been. I hope with 30, you are approaching the end or beginning of the end of your Saturn's return. Remember, your strength has carried you this far and it will continue to do so. I know, you are hella old. I know you've been saying that every year... but you are now reaching another precipice in your life. Another decade of growth, learning, loving, and laughing. I hope the Buddha, the dharma, and the sangha still holds an important place in your heart. That mom, dad, and Yvette are well and healthy. Most of all, I wish you remember the depth of your broken heart and that sadness will pass. Even as I write this, I feel it weighing me down... I hope the weight has lighten for you. Remember, that fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth. Choose fear. Choose it every time. Remember to take back all the energy you gave to people and memories that make you cringe and cry. It is yours. I hope you have learned what it means to be whole. Healing is at the footsteps of wholeness. You don't know the unbelievable depth that I believe in you... even if I don't believe in myself right now. It's quite a contradiction. I will sip 12 year Jameson tonight and breathe deeply and smoke cigarettes. I promise that I will breathe back in all the energy that I put out this year and for every relationship that failed. It hurts so bad right now, I can't feel. I hope you have found lightness in your heart. That peacefulness and joy resides in your chest and mindfulness strides proudly in your head. You are a gift. I always believed it. I hope your 30s will continue your path towards freedom. I love you. Absolutely. Unconditionally. Always. -Yvonne Tran P.S. Remember to write another letter to yourself at 35. Don't sleep on it! P.S.S. Right now, you are well into your journey and process of gender and queerness. I hope it has settled down for you now and you have found what is the most comfortable and secure. You are beautiful no matter what. Remember, clothes are for play. Gender is for play. Confidence is what pulls it all off.