A letter from May 27th, 2011

Dear Me, Right now your sitting on the couch, whatching somthing on the history channel, not really paying attention, and chatting to people on facebook. This isnt really the best week of your life, your going through alot right. You just went to great escape today with Sarah Miller, your bestfriend, since september 14th. Today wasnt really your day either. You had to sit down in a seperate room at lunch time and eat the smallest piece of a piece of pizza, smaller than your thumb nail. You didnt talk to sarah for a long time, and just sat at the table, i know what was going through your mind, but Sarah wouldnt understand. You were thinking "This is thousands of calories, im eating, im going to get fat", even though it was a tiny piece, i dont understand how you cant eat it, but you did this to yourself. Ms.Massolia came over and asked whats wrong and Sarah had to explain why you wouldnt talk, and how you feel your life is ruined. She told you that if you come in and hangout at lunch everyday like youve been doing for the last few weeks, you have to eat. She said not a full meal, but you have to eat somthing. For you, this is alot, your scared, and dont want to get fat, but you know you need to, and you dont want to dissapoint them. Your teachers mean the world to you, and I bet you five bucks youll never forget them. Ms.Massolia came up to you about a week ago, and asked if your arms were okay, you said yes, and had tears in your eyes.. Youve been struggling with self harm for 3 years and hopefully you will be able to overcome this powerfull, addiction. You look up to your teachers, there your heros. Actully, your teachers know more about you than your friends do. I can tell ya that the only reason your staying in hartland nextt year is because of your teachers. Right now, your at one of the lowest points in your life, your scared of being touched, and hit, your scared of food, and your past. But your trying to stay together for your best friend, and all the kids that look up to you. On friday you say your hobo cry. She played you the recording of her mom singing, she let you read the suicide note, and everything else. You held her why she cried, you tried to be a good friend. But all you could think about was the pain that she has gone through and that you NEVER want to do that to her, and I pray to God you dont. Things will get better, right now your curious about your sexuality, but in reality, your not bisexual, you thought you were, but now you have to pretend, since everyone knows, you broke up with your girlfriend today, how crazy. you didnt like her, at all. Again, you were just curious, but its ok. You want to be a teacher when you grow up, either an enrichment, or a social studies teacher, but not a photographer, you love photography, but thats not what you want to be, you also want to be a motivational speaker, or a religous leader, but your really confused on where your going in life, and hopefully in five years, when you get this letter, you will have some sort of direction where to go, honestly, you didnt think youd make it this far. Youd thought youd commit suicide in 6th grade, or be beat to death. But, your still hear, and your staying strong. You want to get 80 pounds before 8th grade, but please know that that is nearly impossible and you will not look great, in reality you know that, but in your mind, the eating disorder is taking over, and you know that too. Peoplee are going to judge you, for being Christian, please just stay proud, and confidentally state that you are a christian.(: You try to please everyone, all the time. But you break down, alot. Which is a leading cause of your self injury. You try to use big words to sound cool. But you dont know what they mean, you got a 1106 on your SRI test, and your friends got 300-600, you can read, really good, but you dont tell anyone, and pretend reading is stuiped. Your really good at making up stories in your head, but you cant write them down too well. I want you to be a writer, but im not sure where that will take you. You want to be a country girl, your working hard, but please dont use a accent, unless its a real one. You want to marry a cowboy, and live i west virginia, well, thats what you say but you cant picture your life without hartland. Your sitting here, almost in tears, thinking about the future, the challenges of being a 7th grade, and having less than 9 days of school, and than summer, and california, your crying because you never thought youd survive 7th grade. But im so proud of you. Be proud of yourself too. Stop living with regrets Rachel. Stop looking at your past, Hopefully before the five years, you will stop doing that, please just learn to live day by day, dont think about the abuse youve sufford, your scarrs, your pain, your drama, your exlove, just live for today, I want you to plant a garden, that gives you hope for tomorrow right? I want you to go to sleep every night and say "I did the best i could, i helped all that i could, and im proud", right now you just cry yourself to sleep, and fear tomorrow. Here are some quotes i never want you to forget, from Madi white "You were made to stand out darlin, SHine!" This is the best advice I have ever given, but Rachel, do it for yourself, not anyone else. - Mr.Zapfe. ♥ Hold your own, know your name, and go your own way. Just because your family has problems, doesnt mean you have an excuse to be a failure, Its just another reason to make somthing out of yourself. -Mrs.Storey. ... BEING strong does not always mean that you FEEL strong. you don't have to feel strong, but you still are... you don't have to "man up." you are already strong enough. -Jess. ♥ Everything will be ok, in the end, if its not ok, its not the end - Hobo. <3 :D Weve focused on the bad things but not the good things, so heres some good thigns about you right now. Right now, your holding your bestfriend up, well actully right now you guys are just holding hands, you have a good grade and math, and your actully starting to understand. You are trying to be there for mary, even when she makes you mad, you helped nick today and told him his story is important., you wrote love on his arms, this year you started a group, support group for people dealing with eating disorders, anxiety, depression, suicide, and addiction, youve done alot of good things, youve helped a lot of people, but you tend to look at all the bad things youve done but you need to stop, Rachel. Im just trying to help. Youve gone through to much to give up now and your staying strong, but i know what its like to feel weak. god is right by you.F&&A. You will be 18, when you get this on 5/25/2016, This will be a healing thing for you to read, and probably tomorrow you will forget about, you are using the futureme.org website. In five years you will be a adult, you will probably be kicked out by than, and youll be spending your birthday at the cemetary with your bestfriend. Just sayin. Right now the only two places you call home is springhill, and school. You will probably be signing up for springhill camps, to be a camp counselor all summer, and get payed 10 cents a day.. ahhaha. (: you will probably call jessica and tell her that your so thankfull that she helped you get to where you are, and hopefully the scars will fade. But always love yourself. You just quit lacrosse, so hopefully you get back in it. Are you still starving yourself, well if you are stop that girl! Please learn to love yourself. jessicas going to help you. please dont be like I want to be like her, say you wantt to be like Jesus. Please continue to be an inspiration to young children, and friends, and family. Stand your ground, and keep your beliefs, love your mom, even if she doesnt love you. Please dont try to change your life so its like this when you read this in five years, but please try to stay on track, and do what you want to do, if you get a good oppurtunity, or a calling, please just go for it. Did you ever go into the military? Sarah told you no, but you know you want to help your country, and if you do go into the military, I wish you the best of luck.. Its for your country. You have talked three friends out of suicide but the only person you cant talk out of suicide is yourself. Please get help. I have so much I could say, with so little paper, and time. The scars will fade, the bruises will fade, the healing love from your friends will not, This is the biggest journey of your life, whats next, where are you at now? (: I love you. Love, your 13 year old self. 5/25/11