Hey, Remember Me?

Hey, Me! It's me. I'm sitting here at work (FLOIR) knowing I should be doing something more productive, like mailing out rule hearings, or preparing travel reimbursements, or studying for tonight's math test. But instead, I'm writing to you. It will be worth it. Right now in my life, I'm loving and living with Jeremy. And Muffin, Benny, and Sharky. My birthday is on Friday. The big 2-7. I still can't believe it. 27. I certainly don't feel that old. And when I read this it won't seem that old. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm wasting my life. I really hope that when I read this letter, I'll be past this feeling. I want to know that I found fulfilment. That I finished school and made something of myself. But most importantly, I want to know that I've managed to hang on to Jeremy all this time. I love him, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm sure of it. I want to marry him. I know things would be different this time. I'd be getting married because it was something we both wanted to do for no other reason than because we love each other and want to grow old together. Not like the first time, when I did it to escape my life. That didn't work, and it was a terrible lesson to learn, but it was a lesson I had to learn. I'm very spoiled and selfish. I know that. And, I'm lazy. I don't like to work for anything. But I am willing to do what it takes to make me and Jeremy work. Sometimes I wonder, though, if that will be enough. I know there is only so much I can do, then he has to do the rest. We have to meet each other in the middle. I wonder if he's as sure about me as I am about him. He hasn't had very many experiences. I'm not discrediting his experiences, I just wonder if he's had enough to satisfy his curiosity. I love him with all my heart, and I can't imagine being with anyone else. I'm amazed that I'm his. I don't know why he wasn't snatched up way before me. I can't help but laugh at and pity all the girls who missed their chance. And then I wonder if it was fate that brought us together. I mean, the population of the US is nearly 300 million right now, and we find each other 1,100 miles apart? Those aren't very favorable odds, but we beat them. Here's the story: I had a friend online, maybe I still do, named JP. He introduced me to the music of Jeff Buckley. One night in September of 2003, I did a Yahoo member search for other people who liked JB, and came across one guy (I think his name was Jeff, too) with a homepage. So, I clicked on the home page and it brought me to a now-defunct Underslept.com. It was a site maintained by Tom, and it was composed of a bunch of friends posting comics they'd made. One particular series of comics under the title Things I Heard, by Jeremy, caught my attention. I can't describe them justly. They were roughly drawn, fairly cryptic, poor-humor, a little psychotic. So I wrote to Jeremy on the site's message board. I asked him something along the lines of, "What's wrong with you?" And that's what started our-as of the time I'm writing this-3 year love affair. We began posting flirtatious messages on the board, then we started emailing and talking on the phone, and on February 11, 2004, I flew down to FL to meet him face-to-face. From that point, at least every month, one of us would fly to see the other until I moved to FL to be with him in July 2005. I was thrilled to finally be asked by him to move down here, but unfortunately my memory has betrayed me and I can't remember the exact moment he asked me. I'm pretty sure he did it right before I was to board the plane for CT after a visit down here in April or May. I hated saying goodbye. Now, instead of "Goodbye," it's, "Goodnight." Now you know what the next big question I'm waiting for is. I'm trying to send subtle hints, like saying I'd like a necklace or Ring for my birthday, but I don't know if he's catching them. I won't ask him about it because I want it to be his doing, you know? Tom and Megan just got engaged on New Years. The ring is beautiful. I remember it as being sapphire and diamond, either emerald- or princess-cut. But I know if Jeremy ever pops the question, any ring he gives me will be more beautiful than the most beautiful ring ever. It will be the mostest beautiful ring ever! Now, moving on, just to remind you: You're going to school now. You're planning to quit your job and study full-time this fall, get your AA and transfer to get your BA (or BS if you get into library science, I think). At this moment you're still not sure what you want to study. I'm thinking maybe a teacher, because that's been on the back burner forever, and FL really needs teachers so they're helping out with student loans and stuff. I'm not sure of all the perks. But another part of you is thinking you might want to be a librarian. I think you want a job where you're not in a position of huge pressure-filled responsibility. You don't want to be a CEO or anything. You don't want to be held responsible for screwing up. Honestly, you don't care very much about work. And you just heard a story on NPR this morning about how that is a problem with this generation--the entitlement generation. We apparently never saw our parents struggle and work their way to the top, we grew up with them already having made it, and getting what we want when we want because having a 2 working parent household has lead to parents feeling guilty and buying their kids things. So instead of us kids learning to be patient and work our way to the top, we want it handed to us, and want to find a way to make work fit into our lives, not fit our lives around our career choice. Blah, blah, blah. Geez, I'm writing you a novel. I'm hungry. I haven't had breakfast because there was nothing in the house, and now it's too late to go to the cafeteria. I'll have to wait for lunch, which I suppose I could go to now since it's 11am. Today is taco salad day, though I'm a little disappointed it isn't tomorrow, since "pork wangs" are on the menu. I don't know what they are, but they sure sound dirty. I imagine all the people tomorrow saying, "I'll take your pork wangs," and then getting slapped in the face. Anyway. Here's a quick list of what you want and don't want in life: You want to marry Jeremy, but you're not sure if you want kids. You'd have them if he wanted them, but they're such a huge responsibility. You want to finish school and have a nice, easy job. You don't want to be poor. You want to be a home owner so you can decorate and paint the walls and know your home is yours. Yours and Jeremy's. You don't want anything to do with religion and you wish your parents would go back to being who they were before they found God. You want to lose 50 pounds and feel sexy again. But just remember Jeremy loves you the way you are. Hm, what else. You'd like to feel like a grown up, but don't want to lose your youthfulness. You do love yourself now, but you kind of miss the girl you were before religion came into your life. You really miss your high school friends and are really sorry you were so mean to them. You regret that you don't really have any friends now and that you don't really know how to be a friend because you're so selfish and lazy. I guess that doesn't sound loving, but it's the truth. You just find it hard to trust people. I think you think that people don't care, because a little bit of you doesn't care sometimes. I don't know what else to say. I hope you continue trying to live every day to it's fullest. It's hard to remember to do that, but remember we aren't promised tomorrow. Just know that I'm proud of you. Where ever you are in life, I'm proud that you made it this far. I hope you're happy. And I hope you're loved. I hope things worked out with you and Jeremy. And as far as the pets, Benny will probably still be around (maybe he's matured a little), and Sharky will probably be there because he doesn't seem to ever plan on dying. But I wonder about Muffin. Sweet, little Muffer-stuff. Muffle-tuff. Don't forget about her. She found you when you needed her most, and I know you still love her. She loves you, too. (But I think she loves Jeremy more!)