[[remember this?]]

Dear Future Natalie, sometimes i wonder why i'm like this, am i capable of getting better, being happy, and just being the nice happy hyper fun person i used to be? am i keeping myself like this purposly? is this "new" natalie leading me to believe that the "old" natalie is just some memory of what i was before i matured and lost all human emotion? or am i sick, am i literally stuck like this forever wuthout help from medication. maybe i'm like this because of everything i went through as a kid. the people who took advantage of me, who walked all over me, the people i "trusted" and then they ended up stabbing me in he back or just casually forgetting i was ever thier friend, and i never did anything about it cuz i had just had to be "accepted" ya know god forbid someone doesnt like me. I dunno' maybe i'm just never satisfied, growing up i was always kind of in the "in" crowd, and i made myself believe it was what i wanted, and then i just fianlly got fed up and realized that everythis these people did to me wasn't what "actual" friends were supposed to de, these people i considered my friends weren't friends at all, just people, nothing more, not friends, not acquantainces, not anything, just ...people, I'M SICK OF PEOPLE THEIR EVERWHERE!!! i think that when its all added up, all of my pain, regret, angst, despair is caused my one single little emotionless person, ME. none of this would hav ever happened if i hadn't been so nice and i hadn' let everyone take advantage of me, so al i ahve is myself to blame, the only person i've trusted, me, i'm the only person who knows every detail about how i caused me to be this pathetic, and it sucks being alone in life, becaue all i have now is me, the one person i truly hate