just protons, neutrons, and electrons

Dear future me, future self, Prufrock in disguise, whatever, By now you should have finished undergrad. You are probably in graduate school, culminating more debt and still working your ass off because hey, you know there will always be smarter people than you but it doesn't keep you from trying. What are you doing right now when you get this email? Are you crying to realize that the 17 year old you wasted so much of her time studying for the calc final by writing this ridiculous letter? Or are you just crying, because you still haven't gotten over the habit of weeping at anything that manages to touch your fancy? That's okay. Keep doing that. Keep crying during films, even the cheesy chick flicks you hate. Keep crying when you read sad books, when you listen to organic pop music, when an old friend decides to call. Don't worry if that embarrasses you. It means you're still alive. Have you finally found a boyfriend, or do guys still have the impression that you will bite off their faces if they come close to you, and do you still do that thing where you crush on really nice guys around you but pretend they're just friends because you think guys like that don't girls like you? Stop it right now. Or at least work up the courage to send them anonymous love letters. Or love poetry, if you're still writing. Are you still writing? I hope you are, because that's probably still a saving grace to your creative soul. Let me guess, you still doodle in the margin of your papers, the profiles of professors or classmates. And you think up catchy one-liners in your head when you should be doing homework. Also, you still pick at your nails when you're doing homework, checking your email when you should be writing a paper (that's probably what's happening right now!), and procrastinating on those really important personal phone calls and letters you should be sending. Don't forget to do that stuff too. It's just as important as studying and eating and sleeping. Have you called Mommy lately? Do you still call her Mommy? Remember to exercise, because of your family history of heart disease! if you still watch Seinfield on the sly, don't be ashamed. Dig up those old letters friends have sent you and read those on a rainy day. If Japanese cartoons about tennis boys still amuse you, don't be embarrassed about that either. Stop eating chocolate before you go to bed. I hope your teeth and eyes are better. Eat more fruit and vegetables! Keep well! Sleep more and don't fret over dissolved New Year's resolutions! I love you, always. You seem so far away and grown up to me now, but I bet you are still worried that you are not doing things well enough for other people. I bet you are still shy when you go into parties without knowing anyone. I bet you're afraid to go up to strangers and ask to eat lunch with them. Don't be. Be brave, be resilient. Don't be afraid of living life the way you want to. If you don't do it, no one will. If you're not happy with yourself, no one will ever make you happy. If you don't buck up and live it large, well, you suck. From, The Seventeen Year Old You, Before The End of Her Senior Winter Term, On A Thursday Night After Dinner p.s. it's okay to not be able to wear eyeliner. I understand.