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A letter from January 1st, 2018
I'm currently in my bedroom in Manor Villages accommodation and I should be doing my coursework. The procrastination is so real right now, I have pain on the right side of my body, but have been taking antibiotics. I have so many things to tell you and there's nobody else I can speak to about all of the things I'm anxious about.
Everyone is looking forward to this year but I'm not. I don't feel like I've progressed much. This time last year I was on a plane to Chicago and getting ready to take my second plane to Tennessee. I was fulfilling dreams and doing things that I said I was going to do. Nobody could have taken that away from me, it was a real, solid achievement and I could see the physical manifestation of hard work and dedication. This year, like I said, I'm sitting in my room.
My car was hit on Christmas Eve, the replacement car the insurance company gave me is faulty, I forgot my house key for uni in my old car, I've left £50 cash in my bedroom in London (although I suspect I've lost it and I'm not ready to admit it). I don't have enough money for food and I'm hungry -- and I don't feel like I can ask anyone for money. My credit card declined yesterday when I tried to buy food and theres no more money in my savings. My rent is due on the 13th but student finance is coming through until the 15th. I have no car to get back to London and even if I did I wouldn't have the money for petrol. I've been sick and on pain killers and anti-biotics for a month. I spent New Years Eve alone, in my flat, in the dark. No one was around, nobody called me and frankly, nobody cared. I drove back to Nottingham on the M1 in that faulty car, the wheel brace is broken and apparently I'm lucky I didn't lose control of the car and die on my way back here. My car, the one that is in the garage in London somewhere with my key in it is, needs to be paid for in exactly 10 days and I can't afford it. Almost every graduate job that I have applied for have rejected me. The others haven't responded yet but I'm confident that those will be rejections too.
I'm in pain everywhere. My head, my back, my feet, my stomach -- literally everywhere.
I've been putting so much pressure on myself but thats partly because I haven't had time to organise my thoughts and think about all the things that I want to do this year. I have little faith that I'm actually going to make it happen.
I've never had no faith in me before. Even when things that I wanted to happen didn't happen, to me, those were always on account of external forces. I've never felt incapable. I do now though.
Here is a list of all the things that I want to do. We'll see if I can pull it together:
1. I WILL learn to fly some kind of aircraft.
2. I WILL hold some kind of poetry event, SOMEWHERE.
3. I WILL go abroad, somewhere that I have NEVER been before.
4. I WILL get right with GOD again.
5. I WILL FINISH my anthology and be working towards a PRINTING of the book.
6. I WILL volunteer in the Speech and Language Therapy ward for the NHS.
7. I WILL be applying for my masters in filmmaking.
8. I WILL get AS MUCH experience in film and television as possible.
9. I WILL take myself to the cinema or a restaurant FORTNIGHTLY to take care of myself.
10. I WILL lose 20lbs. TWENTY. NOTHING less.
11. I WILL write to prisoners MONTHLY.
12. I WILL be submitting my writing to writing competitions whenever I get the opportunity.
Twelve goals. Twelve months.
See you next year.
Sent 12 months to the future, from January 1st, 2018 to 9 months ago
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