A letter from December 13th, 2017

Darling – Taeyang Hello hello~~~ This might be the first in a while that I've had a letter that seems more positive probably. I had a dream last night where I came to meet Hun and got to stay with him but he had a different situation where there was a roommate and someone related to him.. it was a little strange but I was so adored by Hun and how he had a collection of cute things, like a pillow of the cat stickers he uses ;3; and it was so adorable, but also unrealistic. I think they were a bunch of gifts from his ex or something. But it was very cute and I was so happy to be there with him and be an extra roommate. I didn't care what the other lady had to say but she seemed protective of Hun. It was strange with her there but I just let myself ignore it all. The night before I was able to talk with Hun about different things including Calculus ..ew. which he helped so much on. But it was so fun to laugh with him and talk/joke around. I'm guessing that's what led to a dream about him and the chance to sleep well with a little less than 5 hours. Strange because I wasn't super grumpy and I felt ready to go and start today. I helped tutor a student in their algebra homework and she was able to understand how to do it which made me feel accomplished. It was a little awkward but I got the hang of it~ there has been a few weeks where all the positive feelings were on and off (mostly off). So I had an overwhelming amount of stuff on my shoulders but I think i can do it now. It's gonna be tough and time consuming but I'll get through it! Continuing with the day, I had a quiz that before felt very scary to think about but I think I did ok. & I had gotten to drawing pieces for my diorama in sculpture even though we had a sub.. & physics was just a confusing thing of notes and a rushful quiz to get through. Ahh! But then it went well. I feel different. It's been a while since I even felt like wanting to eat. I had no appetite for some time now and eating was not on the list of things I cared to do but just dealt with it. I walked over to the library feeling like I wanted to buy food but I decided it would be better to save it for the next time I actually needed money. The gift bag I received from my Calc teacher was good so I ate the snacks in there, luckily I left it in my backpack. The cookie kinda absorbed the smell of the bath bomb so it had a funny taste but not bad enough to waste. I went ahead and ate it. I can't say I'm confident in myself today but I'm just more energized than the usual me would be. Almost as if someone took out most of the negative stress away and for once I can be okay. The events of the day were nothing crazily unusual, just inside myself was where things felt less overwhelming. I need more days like this because it's a good kind of weird. Maybe because it's been so long where the whole day was okay just being with myself. I did want to express this with someone else but I don't have a need to have someone with me or any kind of withdrawal or isolation need. I wonder if this is what it's like for people to be grateful and purposeful in their life. I'll express this to Heath hopefully. The past few weeks I actually felt like I was drowning and for once I don't have that feeling carried around on my back. When I tried to tell Hun about it, he thought the weird feeling was in a negative way but no, I corrected him and he probably doesn't want to further the conversation now. The understanding wasn't there but he's got so much on his plate, I don't blame him. I hope he gets to have this feeling very soon. Maybe he just thinks I'm acting crazy. I don't know. I don't want senior year to be an awful one but the start was extremely difficult, and if I could be in this state of mind more, I'd probably be more productive and satisfied with myself than I ever had been in the past 3 years. I almost want to hug myself .. it weird to say this to myself but.., "you chose a difficult road because you truly believe you could do it. And even though the start was crazy, you still have the chance to get through it and do well." [ 2017 November 2nd, 6:40 pm]