A letter from August 30th, 2017

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I'm at a low point. Everything sucks and I want to die. But I don't want to **** myself because I want to go to Heaven, which sounds dumb but is actually a really sound reason and ensures I'm not actually going to do it. An illness would suck as well because it'd hurt. Aneurisms are quick and painless but unlikely to happen to me. I could have a heart attack but I'd have to make myself really fat first and I already feel disgusting enough. Plus I don't want to leave behind a fat corpse adn give people more reasons to look down on me. Which means I'm not going to die. Yet. But I feel like I've completely lost my ability to be motivated, to do things I need to- I've been putting off calling about my lost card for like a year. And putting off emailing potential thesis supervisors all summer. Yet now I'm supposed to be doing it since my mom told me to, and I'm still procrastinating. I had an audition for the Ottawa Pops Orchestra, of which I am Marketing Advisor, three days ago. After 4 years with the orchestra, I bombed my audition- even though I played fully through my exerpts, did the sight reading, and I didn't cry or puke. I got through my whole speech about how hard I've been working and that I've been improving. Felicia and Trevor's girlfriend were also on the panel. I know I didn't get in (like only 5% chance they'll let both Stefania and I be members, according to what Matt told me on the phone yesterday). I'm afraid of not having any friends. And I don't know if it's worth it to keep going. Especially with OPO. Should I quit? But the thing is, that means I'd lose even more face. I've already been embarrassed because these people are those I have to work closely with and some are my friends, and now it'll be awkward. Matt said I should record myself playing and send that if I think I can do a better job. That's how I know that when he said 'no decision has been made yet' he meant 'it's not official but it will be'. That's my only chance. But I won't do it. Because I don't think I'd actually be able to do a notably better job- not enough to make a difference. This way, at least, I have my dignity. I am glad that I didn't buy a new cello (even though maybe I would have sounded marginally better on an instrument not made of plywood). On audition day I climbed up on the ledge where the screen is broken and willed myself to jump out. I thought about just not doing my audition as an alternative. And saying that I was too busy this year. I kinda wish I had. And yesterday I cried A LOT like on the bus, on campus, the street, in the park, the shower, the car, my bed. Today I've cried in the elevator, the lobby, and my car in the garage. i feel like garbage. hope you're doing better.

Epilogue

over 6 years later

Yikes, girl!

Yeah I am fully doing better. I ended up getting conditionally accepted if I took lessons. . . I accepted at first but then decided I just felt...

Usyb oto. Ersoan onw wkno i hchwi hte tw'nas real. Aceebus raysc aplrtyali a ti nto ot rty wsa cesedcu 'sit -tpouco nda. .
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Chmu orp het ,aretl wegr is asyre teosrcahr os adn vleel. Het ro no rtiginw ywa het swa eon wa,ll etarhno. Adh ot no voem i. .
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Purevsisor a hsstie i nde idd nnfidig pu. On a c got ihtsse my i. Vbsie wsa teh nointtraoirpsac cbak onkolgi ibg psrdiseeon. Ibt dongi whit 'im seam ecruso 2 trap a ym teh dna de gthin won 'sit ivnscielu iihlgcnl esubeca. .
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Tmie lot ouy eend a eocreryv of. Scuk obandw'kr'e at veen hstonm het adn nsoeht lil fwe eb nad wkno ywas eifl a wthi yo'lul a in uaobt lutaclya dti'dn euaigpla dt'on ehpl btoua ouy dr vahe yruo rseedev inotp ouy eth stih knthi yuo ddha lfnlayi (in. Olmran to erd b!ayb si't otu be elef unrst htta but g,salf ti ayw othse tno lol. .
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Nekw ndtwoul' het esh ttah onwerd dsa ydaer elulpfh ro be but hndiihstg tlfe ni fi osal the wntsa' jstu tuabo i niof i. Hhaa teh sutiam eonc etfros whne whtci omer eurnd hadd cubaese tdetsar leryla arre ot a nrcotlo, eth eepcry ostmsmyp erew 'hsatt klei eadh hre.
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'mi etrbte gidon. Yrae iths siltl peho teim entx that orf be to i vhea etur. .
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Otewr gao 7 tleter i atth yrsae. Ni l'il mntsoh 7 ruteuf??? eth eb kwnso woh ewehr.
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Soal imeag i ehwtig turilggsgn am hwti ybod nad litsl. Ayn lla eseubac no dna ym evah i elar ehest after efle ereexcis gnehcsa ot i e,sary ahitsb? made deti azyl. Hcmu fyslem and leef for tey rgcea os remo i. Nay 'im i 'odtn means intkh snsuidiggt yb. Flee itrm leki a uldow eomr tbi i ot. 3 taht i semmrsu dybo het siad ocpr i dha mlysfe obtau a eon hseot i grbeig otsp, ntsep htwi nwhe ewinrga htan thisng eowtr wtih. .
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I know i just derhar 'lilt i age 30 and sa ma gte onw. Sola woh ietm i slisp yb nowk. My naemtl clroton under is hmcu os remo tehhal. If ym uolwd ofr stighn ddi i ihktn it i oeprimv yihsclap lehtah. A fi rservee ot se(cin seyar after acenapearp, tsamani ym ese i gtnwiir ttah i evne odn't nad hsgint tertle phel narmlhoo em klie ceghna ogrcwil do to l)lo evig feglnei mroe 3 aeotbincel illw gdoo giiirtnyv ltso ym. Dna me me ebfroe ot saol i 'im i etatrtiacv wtan tgniget itwre hwo taht nkwo syug apeapl know off avni mi' to to tmghi tub. Uncisree chiwh dusons. Llysi ti nniedguh no fuynn bnegi girnak 'mi kiel diren,t ni tub ym lsef. Ril si cabk leniyteifd ubtao if em nhniigtk oidnhgl ocsineart dapsiottienmpn ereyht neietmg. )arssgreled 'im tdae and cmae 'sti hhertwe ,cbir cndikgu uophok ro a lefe chwhi redalya ecas tdae ot i het ot itnfdecon wnat e,ravweth i lkie 'weer a ilke (ni uleldp yuo. Alewdgleeknob emor nda ntefcnoid dha oeh to ym i aepssh lfee. I btu awtn iagna a i inkth traiieonhlsp. Uretuf tish see neoprs twna and ulayltca a i iwth ot imte the. Os hatt geiodr eeslf wfb nad anem was reom a keli layrle. Tbu ikel ddi i ont love roiatcmllyan hmi. Ayller ese dan shi hnvaig bbsaei t'dind yanrimrg fyselm i. I ta i ttha nwo kown lal idsk nwat ndto'. Htast' o(tuaglhh anhecg snhgeac ainbr ebalctnmfouro my i i cihhw ydob ubcease si npgcayren ihwt it eenb tterads eht dkinun ******* hwen tsuj rfea dowlu wrastdo ubt efle otn losa )bdyo my a ncise fgeelin.
Kfr,nayl adn snaghce hte efli. .
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Etetbr sey and scilepa dnees tou sbcuaee no ouy aedi evah a utb ntrmatemepe bttere tce abby fele tsage edia uyo of ssmi i fo atubo ditg,poan teh tecu. Ot an eb 0%01 dnee nad htiw dneeosra eyes tmei tnee,xt dan no fo 'odnt ethy cna het. Oludw eigbn ohtghu aptenr tinhk be a miognuaievtrstl i sltli. .
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Iagvhn otw iinhtkng roetsf rfo dotniicon ,nitkh semone,o eb i a ubaot seeycansr a a ofr gnodi or aerc wthi year lcihd ldowu. Eth udowl the i kate uaqel onwk ot benurd fo raseh an dene rptenra. Tath netainemnac emht venitgt dwulo eb rof ftrea dna ousoldehh tffus adn. .
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Pcki nesresgap echors ahs eb ifwe first naecling how oocedk erpinssc fo adn a otpryh iwpoll rof awann i etsg. Rfo nda yemba isrckste arsrwde elsmyf veig. My htuom iwth n'dot saassemg utb a ni leik olt seauebc etg fo i ot i adeh rioaecptcer eomr **** nda cuesddl wtan. I **** louwd ksis heartr hwti tnah aids ksuc ahtt. Otn fo eht khtni i eissu atrp an is tis gnawtin. .
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Elavser hte nacle ton( nohmts ofmr sisndie shecke katrc) am i fo inigbt btu npekgei my. Know be byaem elowh i lsisgofn toh t'lli bodlo eefl llgarurey elvvino dna dene ot jb so isth nhtig i i rome xten wiht imet raey ocmfy the llwi. Gag xeerlf srntog het tbu is saol. Eudkp ocen i. Ubt i ew it slwwlaeod bergismanasr we ew kiel. .
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Dleov to ev watn i. Evha sftfu tslli ot ot meti ostl lminaim i do fo ntwa feer. Adn and sknacs eyjno aet aerd cdeuld vesmoi nad wahct tch dan. Porens ym thwi. .
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Ot i ygtihann i hktni piecsfci ro a evah rome piont asy nod't. .
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Nl!eaati u,oy i eolv.

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