A letter from July 27th, 2017

Hi there, Juels! ^-^ I have no idea what I should write... Today I got a new piercing (a helix) and I'm really happy about it. I have slight suicidal thoughts sometimes, but I know better. I don't want to hurt others, so I won't do it, of course. But sometimes, I wonder whether all of this is really worth it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm fake... but not like, on purpose. It's more like: Am I really introverted. Do I really hate myself sometimes or do I just say that for attention without realising it. Do I just pretend that I'm pessimistic. I can't think of more right now, but I really wonder... I hate that I'm sometimes annoyed by what others are saying/ showing me. I know what it feels like... being ignored or when the other just isn't interested in what you're telling them. It's frustrating. It hurts. So when I see myself being annoyed because of something the other is excited about... I hate myself for that, but I know that I can't change it. I can act like I care... but that's like lying. Sometimes I really wonder what dying would be like. But not like "Will it hurt? Will I go to heaven?" and all that ****. I mean, like, if I just took this knife and stabbed myself and died... what would the others- my family, my friends- think, how would they react? Would they grieve? Would they remember me forever or will I eventually be forgotten? Just a faint image of something that was once bright and clear. Will everone just move on? Of course, I want them to move on. I mean, they shouldn't become depressed or anything like that, just because I died. It's kinda bittersweet. I dunno where this was supposed to go, but I'm gonna end this now right here. I mean the letter, not my life, don't worry. Anyway, see ya another time. Juels Brooks