apparently you're dying now

According to a post I saw on Tumblr, 25 is the age where your body stops growing, and therefore starts dying. Congratulations. There are a lot of public letters on this site that are very sentimental. Lots of them say things like, "I hope you're in a better place now," "I hope you have a significant other," and "Call mom, she misses you." As much as I want to give a letter like this to you, I can't. I am a teenage girl and the height of her dank meme-hood. (That sentence probably made you cringe, didn't it?) I scare the living sh*t out of Gerard Way and send Thomas "Tomska" Ridgewell copies of the Bee Movie and a letter consisting of nothing but the Bee Movie script. (Ngl, typing the beginning sentence of this email really tempted me to start the Bee Movie script. But I didn't know if you'd get the reference, and I only know the first few lines.) I want to tell you sentimental stories about my teenage life, and cry and rant about graduation. I want to talk about future kids, and send long paragraphs to you about what I hope your boyfriend/fiance/husband is like. To be honest, at this time I don't even know if I want to get married. I don't know if I can find someone that will love me, 'cause let's be honest, 16-year-old Grace Chara Ashworth doesn't have a lot going for her. I don't know if I want kids either because I don't want to mess them up. I can't be responsible for whether or not they grow up right, I don't want to be the reason they get kicked out of Heaven. Tbh I don't even know if I'm getting into Heaven. I messed up, and I still don't know how to fix it. I don't read my Bible, I don't pray, I listen to music with extensive amounts of swearing. I lie to Mum, I procrastinate, and I am constantly thinking about *** porn (well, not constantly, but enough for it to be a problem). I don't see how a boy could ever see anything good in me, and I don't even know if my friends will stick around long after graduation. I may end up in a lonely flat in London, staring out my window at young people in love and having fun, and internally cursing them for not being more mature. That's one of my greatest fears. I don't want to be alone when I get older. And I don't necessarily mean I want a husband, but I'd at least like a few friends that don't leave me alone for my birthday. And I'm really, really, really scared that after we graduate, Ava and I will drift apart. I'm so scared that she and Autumn will find other friends, and I'll be left alone. Alone, alone, without even a small cat to keep me company. My other fear that keeps me up at night is that I'm not actually saved. Just look at my life, I don't do anything the Bible says. I'm mildly inclusive of LGBTQA people, and I'm afraid of insulting people. I don't pray, I don't read my Bible, I read freaking *** porn. A lot. Way more than I let anyone know. And now I beat myself up about it. Oh, how I hate myself sometimes. I have anxiety attacks about it. Alone in the shower, I hunch over and cry, and silently scream my heart out. I cry uncontrollably in bed, trying to not to wake Noel and Mercy. My heart hurts over and over and over again. I always stress about college, because I know that there is no way I'm going without a scholarships or grants. And there is no way I'm smart enough to get any of those. And a work ethic? What's that? What is a job? How do you get those? I . . . I just- I don't know. I hope everything works out. I also hope I stop getting ridiculous amounts of Anxiety over stupid p.e. (I cannot believe I just capitalized that. I've been reading too much Sander's Sides fanfic. Dude, the Angel one made me cry. (So did writing this letter)). I love how this started out as somewhat happy and bant-y, and now we're in depressed-ville, population: Tumblr. Basically, I really, really, really hope that life is fixed by the time you get this. I really hope that good things have happened and that you're living a good life. And I sincerely hope that you've fixed your faith and that you're intuned to God's will. 'Cause goodness knows I'm not. Listen to a FOB song, alright? Young Volcanoes is my fave atm. <3, 16 year old you